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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Was I out of line with what I said?

45 replies

CLD92 · 09/10/2023 12:35

First post here and apologies if it's long but I don't want to drip feed!

I am perfectly willing to accept I was out of order her but at the moment I'm sure I wasn't...

DP and I have been having some issues recently and I have been sleeping in the spare room. It is well known in my household that I don't like feeling people breathe on me (when we do sleep in the same bed I sleep facing the other way etc etc), I can just about cope with feeling my DC breathe on me if they're that close.

This morning, DP came in to talk to me whilst I was still in bed. He was talking away about 10cm from my face. My words were " Can you please back off, your breathe is making me feel uncomfortable". I don't think that was out of order but apparently it was. I was rude, uncaring, I've upset him and I should be apologising. In my eyes I was just asking him to move away slightly.

Sorry this seems so trivial but it's caused WW3 in my house!

So please tell me, was I in the wrong?

YABU - that was rude, he's right, and you need to apologise

YANBU - you weren't rude, you were just asking him to move away wholst he spoke

OP posts:

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 09/10/2023 13:25

This isn't the real issue as both of you overreacted.

You are already in the spare room, younger to start working on the bigger issue rather than letting all small issues become big ones too.

Gwendimarco · 09/10/2023 13:28

A bit blunt. You’re not unreasonable, but it’s a difficulty that most people don’t have so it feels more unreasonable to others.
Did you have room to shift back / lean away? I have one or two quirky sensory issues but tend to just deal with them myself rather than make them a problem for others.

KingOfThieves · 09/10/2023 13:34

You feel the way you feel. But I’d find it very challenging to not be upset at my parter expressing such offensive at my own breathing! It doesn’t surprise me you aren’t sharing a bed to be honest, maybe you both need to move on.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 09/10/2023 13:36

This is a symptom of bigger problems in your marriage. It is likely not many people would want to be married to a person who told them that their breath made them feel uncomfortable. Is that why you sleep in the spare room? Does not sound like you like him, he is offended because he can sense you don’t like him near you. Emotional and physical intimacy, or proximity! are part of loving relationships.

Quitelikeit · 09/10/2023 13:37

Why didn’t you move?

You have the issue

Also we don’t know what tone you made the comment in

Maybe apologise?

Original poster

CLD92 · 09/10/2023 13:43

Thank you!

Think I owe him an apology but also need a conversation about the wider picture too!

OP posts:

VeridicalVagabond · 09/10/2023 13:44

Why did he need to be 10cm away from you to have "general chitchat"?? Was he up in your face that close or did he get in bed with you?

Original poster

CLD92 · 09/10/2023 13:53

He knelt at the side of the bed. It's only a single bed so I couldn't back up at all so he was literally right there in front of my face.

OP posts:

Namechange666 · 09/10/2023 13:54

I think maybe you could have said it more politely but I have the same issue.

I hate someone breathing on me, even on my arms. It tickles and I don't like the sensation. I'm ND.

My partner, who is neurotypical doesn't mind this and he also isn't a fan really of someone breathing on him so its not a problem for us.

You're not unreasonable to want to be comfortable and no one should make you feel bad about that but some people may have got offended by how you said it so maybe just say that.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/10/2023 13:56

Yes YABU. I agree with a previous poster, you could have done so many things rather than be rude, even just sat up in bed to get some space, or move down the bed, stand up etc. I would be extremely hurt if DH told me my breathe was making him uncomfortable!

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/10/2023 14:00

I hate that feeling too, so I'd have said the same.

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 09/10/2023 14:00

Yes, you sound rude. I would have been hurt if I were him too.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2023 14:04

Coyoacan · 09/10/2023 12:51

What an unusual problem, OP. Is there no therapy you can take for it because it sounds quite antisocial?

You're antisocial if you don't want someone to have their face really close to your own? I suppose quite a few of us are antisocial then.

Notanotherhousepost · 09/10/2023 14:04

How do you ever have sex or intimacy if you can't stand someone breathing on you

LisaVanderpump1 · 09/10/2023 14:08

I think your request was very reasonable, and it sounds like you were firm (kind of not really a soft way to deliver this sort of line). I sympathise though - my DP has a habit of looking over my shoulder while I do things and I hate it. I have to ask him every time to back off a bit, and he always huffs about it and says I'm being rude.

ncob · 09/10/2023 14:13

Sounds like you're already aware there are wider problems here. FWIW I think you were rude but I also get it. I have a colleague like this and when they come near I sometimes hold my breath and hope they don't realise what I'm doing. They definitely give me the ick... but I'm not married to them. Why have you got the ick and can you work on reversing that? I would be offended I was your husband too.

Alargeoneplease89 · 09/10/2023 15:02

I have the exact problem about breath, if everyone knows that's how you are then definitely not rude.
That feeling of irritation is unexplainable and that's all you can think off is getting away from it, so I can fully sympathise.

Other people who don't have this can't comprehend that feeling of anger. I don't know how to explain it but you definitely aren't in the frame of mind to address someone in the "right way."

Sugarfish · 09/10/2023 15:09

I can’t stand it either and I think if it’s a known thing in your house he shouldn’t have been so close. I would be a bit snappy if my partner did it when I’ve made it clear I don’t like it. Same if I did something to him he’d repeatedly told me he didn’t like. To me it’s about respect and actually listening to each other.

Equalitea · 10/10/2023 08:14

This.

PurpleBugz · 10/10/2023 08:41

I just read the op not the thread. But I don't see maintaining personal boundaries as rude. I see him getting offended by that as out of order tbh. It's well known in your house, you were just reminding him and you even said please.

I'm the same as you can't stand people breathing on me and I can't share a bed for this reason. I'm autistic, I'd consider if you were neurodiverse yourself? Even if not maintaining a personal boundary is not wrong

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