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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For messaging my child’s boss?

34 replies

TiredMagnolia · 08/10/2023 23:49

I’ll try not to drip feed so background may make this longer, sorry. My husband has cancer. Treatment has been brutal and he had 7 weeks of radiation (Mon-Fri) and 3 rounds of chemotherapy at the same time. Treatment started 14th August. Last chemo was 25th and last radiation was 29th. He was admitted on to the oncology ward at the beginning of September. Prior to that he had stayed at the hostel within the hospital and got home at weekends. He’s not been home since the 5th September. It’s an hour and a a half each way to the hospital. I’ve travelled most days after work and all day at most of the weekends as he’s been so ill and struggled mentally.

Our 15 year old DD has a part time job in a shop. She’s worked there almost 2 years (kids can work from 14 where we live). since the beginning of September she has worked every Fri evening, all day Saturday (either 9-6 or 12-9) and 12-5 on a Sunday. She did not work the 21st because she had a sports tournament in the same city as her dad’s hospital.

she has seen her dad twice since the 10th September due to school, sports commitments (mon-thurs after school), the classroom drivers ed sessions (2 evenings a week) and work (hours previously mentioned). She’s been amazing at supporting me, looking after herself when I needed to go to the hospital and so on.

The schedule is Sun-Sat. They used to always try and schedule it so full time staff worked alternate weekends and part time worked every weekend but either the Saturday or the Sunday. They do the schedule on a Thursday. She went in for her shift on Friday at 5 to see yet again, she’s been scheduled on Sunday. (The Friday and Saturday we from the previous schedule, I hope that makes sense).

she was upset as she’d been saying she wanted to come with me to see her dad as he was being kept in longer. I asked her if she wanted me to message her boss, and she said yes, because last time she asked For time off (earlier in the summer, she ended up being taken off the rota for the month rather than them try and accommodate her doing a life guarding course).

Her boss is a cancer survivor and so I thought she’d be understanding, even though it’s short notice. On Friday, I sent “ Hi. Sorry to be a pain. DD just saw the schedule that she’s supposed to work on Sunday. She said she’ll ask about getting cover but Could she please not work. husband is still in hospital and she’s not been able to see him for 2 weeks as she worked both days last weekend and had a cold before that so she couldn’t get close to him. He’s struggling and they’ve not really seen each other since he was admitted at the beginning of September.”

Her boss ignored my message then pulled DD into the office during her shift yesterday and told her it was completely unacceptable that I messaged her and that DD must message herself (they’ve previously been told they should only message during shop hours of boss is on shift , ie if boss is not on shift, they don’t message but leave a note). She said DD has to try and get cover for the day, but if she could not then she had to let boss know asap. I know boss quite well as I used to work there myself. This would not have been a gentle conversation. When I picked DD up from work, she was upset.

I’m fuming that she had a go at DD for me messaging. She’s 15 years old, her dad has cancer and she’s seen him 3 times in total in a month. I was honestly expecting a little more compassion. Or actually reply to my message and ask me not to message her.

YABU - you should not have messaged. Boss quite within her rights to have a moan at DD

YANBU - that was mean to moan at DD when her life is really stressful right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMagnolia · 08/10/2023 23:50

Just to add, I honestly think she’s been a bit hypocritical too as she has messaged me in the past to ask if DD could work when she couldn’t get hold of her.

OP posts:
Barleysugar86 · 08/10/2023 23:54

Usually the rule is you can't get involved in your children's work life at all, but as you have your own relationship with her boss/ knew each other before your daughter worked for them I think it swings it a bit to being okay that you messaged.

However, whilst I understand why you did what you did, you should encourage your daughter to have these conversations herself and be there to advise. It's all part of growing up and you texting on her behalf will undermine her.

Gothambutnotahamster · 08/10/2023 23:57

She's 15 - YANBU.

Comefromaway · 08/10/2023 23:57

This is why there are rules and regulations to be followed here regarding children working with employers obliged to consult with the child’s parent & school and restricted hours.

I’d say is this job really worth it?

WhateverAgains · 08/10/2023 23:57

Had she asked for any time off or to not be scheduled before this message was sent? If the first thing the boss knew about her needing time off was your message then yes YABU. She would need to speak up before the rota is done and say she needs time off.

Can she not sacrifice the sports commitments to see her Dad, rather than her job?

Sorry about your DHs illness, hope he recovers well.

ORYX99 · 08/10/2023 23:59

Your daughter is still a child and she's going through an incredibly stressful time, she wants to see her dad, and you've messaged the manager as a concerned parent. The manager has messaged you before to ask if your daughter can work which implied that this kind of line of communication is OK. You did the right thing and her manager is being incredibly insensitive. If I were managing her, I would have also called her in to my office, but only to see how I could support. Sorry to hear you're both having a tough time.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 09/10/2023 00:00

Yanbu. Shes 15 so technically still a child. And furthermore if he was quite happy to.message you to help him arrange shifts then he has broken the barriers of what's normal and professional

JMSA · 09/10/2023 00:02

I don't blame you for messaging at all. Different if your daughter was 18, but she's only 15! The boss should be much more understanding Flowers
Sorry for your predicament and I hope your husband is holding up ok. You too!
I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there a reason your daughter works so many hours ... presumably on top of school? Friday, Saturday and Sunday is brutal at that age. Personally, if you can afford it, I'd be putting a pause on the whole thing while her dad is so ill.

OnlyFannys · 09/10/2023 00:02

No I don't think unreasonable as she is still just a child and one that is currently quite vulnerable due to what is happening with her dad. I would honestly advise your daughter to leave the job, it doesn't sound like it's worth the stress at this point in her life.

BerriesPineCones · 09/10/2023 00:06

Does she definitely need to work while her dad is so ill? She might regret rarely being able to see him.

Dotcheck · 09/10/2023 00:06

Her schedule sounds punishing- tbh I would encourage her to stop work for awhile.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 09/10/2023 00:07

She is still underage you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

ThreeLeggedPug · 09/10/2023 00:07

She has a distinct lack of down time which seems unbalanced. Could she just do Friday evenings or just a Saturday.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/10/2023 00:07

At 15, I would say it's still okay for you to be involved. Though had she actually specifically asked for the day off before you got in touch?

NewName122 · 09/10/2023 01:00

She's a 15 year old child of course you are not unreasonable. The boss sounds awful.

bakedbrain · 09/10/2023 01:03

If she wanted time off for sports or friends or maybe even school stuff, I'd say she should sort it herself but this is obviously different.

Even in professional environments, in times of family bereavement, illness or emergency, employee's family members (emergency contact) might liaise with work on their behalf. She's a child so all the more called for.

I also second posters that maybe she should quit or change to a more flexible job. In the long run, nothing is more important (both for her and her dad) than spending time with her dad now. The job isn't worth losing out on that.

henrysugar12 · 09/10/2023 01:08

She's 15, still a child. The boss should understand that. I'd be ripping into the boss and my dd wouldn't be going back to that job!

Firebug007 · 09/10/2023 01:10

I work in HR usually this would be completely unacceptable and you'd never speak or communicate with an employee's parent. However the rules and best practice is different for very young workers. Given her age it's entirely appropriate to intervene, I used to work for a company that employed many young workers and we used to interact with a lot of the parents.

BranchGold · 09/10/2023 01:15

Honestly, she shouldn’t need to be working so much as a fifteen year old with education, sports commitments and an unwell parent. I’d really encourage her to take a break from working to rest and spend time with her family/friends.

Original poster
TiredMagnolia · 09/10/2023 01:18

Thanks for all your replies. She hadn't previously asked for the day off as DH's length of stay was longer than expected. We'd hoped he'd get home on Thursday but his kidneys weren't doing well enough so the discussion was that we could all go up on Sunday to cheer him up (DS has come home for the weekend too), so it was last minute all round tbf to her work. But them's the shit parts of dealing with cancer treatment.

She usually likes working as she's pretty independant and likes having her own money. It does seem on reflection that they haven't really cut her hours since school restarted. Before the summer, she used to do 3x 5-hour shifts a week and they were typically Tues, Thurs and either Sat or Sun.

High school sports are intensive here and her dad was a sportman so he wouldn't want her to give up practice/games. He was able to get a hospital day pass to come and see her in a tournament (the one Sat she had off) and it made his weekend.

Driver's ed is finished now thankfully and she's able to get her learners permit at the end of the month when she turns 16 (legal driving age here).

Anyway, I'm not going to say anything and let her deal with anything subsequent herself. She is currently upstairs working on her resume to take around some other places. In the meantime I'm going to suggest to her that she requests to only do 2 shifts a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMagnolia · 09/10/2023 01:22

bakedbrain · 09/10/2023 01:03

If she wanted time off for sports or friends or maybe even school stuff, I'd say she should sort it herself but this is obviously different.

Even in professional environments, in times of family bereavement, illness or emergency, employee's family members (emergency contact) might liaise with work on their behalf. She's a child so all the more called for.

I also second posters that maybe she should quit or change to a more flexible job. In the long run, nothing is more important (both for her and her dad) than spending time with her dad now. The job isn't worth losing out on that.

100%, if it had been to see friends etc, I'd have made her do it herself. And it's only because it was to see her dad that she took me up on my offer.

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 09/10/2023 01:24

I know boss quite well as I used to work there myself. This would not have been a gentle conversation. When I picked DD up from work, she was upset.

I think YANBU to contact the boss, but I also think if you know this woman is not particularly nice when things happen that she doesn't like, maybe you should support your daughter more to get a job elsewhere instead of letting her think she has to put up with this crap when her dad is so ill (or at all). Workplaces should be mutually respectful and this isn't.

Original poster
TiredMagnolia · 09/10/2023 01:30

SisterMichaelsHabit · 09/10/2023 01:24

I know boss quite well as I used to work there myself. This would not have been a gentle conversation. When I picked DD up from work, she was upset.

I think YANBU to contact the boss, but I also think if you know this woman is not particularly nice when things happen that she doesn't like, maybe you should support your daughter more to get a job elsewhere instead of letting her think she has to put up with this crap when her dad is so ill (or at all). Workplaces should be mutually respectful and this isn't.

I think you (and others who have suggested she work less & elsewhere) are absolutely right. She's upstairs working on updating her resume and tomorrow we'll go so she can take to to a few places. :)

OP posts:
Millybob · 09/10/2023 01:41

Tell your daughter not to go in and let them be short of one member of staff next weekend. You owe people like this nothing.
Apart from anything else, it sounds like the poor girl never gets a moment to herself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2023 01:42

I’m sorry about your dh. The boss seems horrible. The scheduling should never have happened like this in the first place when she has an ill father. It’s obvious that your dd would need time to see her dad. It sounds like they’re using your dd as much as possible with no regard for her needs or mental health. She’s probably cheaper than the older employees.

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