For messaging my child’s boss?

[TiredMagnolia]

I’ll try not to drip feed so background may make this longer, sorry. My husband has cancer. Treatment has been brutal and he had 7 weeks of radiation (Mon-Fri) and 3 rounds of chemotherapy at the same time. Treatment started 14th August. Last chemo was 25th and last radiation was 29th. He was admitted on to the oncology ward at the beginning of September. Prior to that he had stayed at the hostel within the hospital and got home at weekends. He’s not been home since the 5th September. It’s an hour and a a half each way to the hospital. I’ve travelled most days after work and all day at most of the weekends as he’s been so ill and struggled mentally.

Our 15 year old DD has a part time job in a shop. She’s worked there almost 2 years (kids can work from 14 where we live). since the beginning of September she has worked every Fri evening, all day Saturday (either 9-6 or 12-9) and 12-5 on a Sunday. She did not work the 21st because she had a sports tournament in the same city as her dad’s hospital.

she has seen her dad twice since the 10th September due to school, sports commitments (mon-thurs after school), the classroom drivers ed sessions (2 evenings a week) and work (hours previously mentioned). She’s been amazing at supporting me, looking after herself when I needed to go to the hospital and so on.

The schedule is Sun-Sat. They used to always try and schedule it so full time staff worked alternate weekends and part time worked every weekend but either the Saturday or the Sunday. They do the schedule on a Thursday. She went in for her shift on Friday at 5 to see yet again, she’s been scheduled on Sunday. (The Friday and Saturday we from the previous schedule, I hope that makes sense).

she was upset as she’d been saying she wanted to come with me to see her dad as he was being kept in longer. I asked her if she wanted me to message her boss, and she said yes, because last time she asked For time off (earlier in the summer, she ended up being taken off the rota for the month rather than them try and accommodate her doing a life guarding course).

Her boss is a cancer survivor and so I thought she’d be understanding, even though it’s short notice. On Friday, I sent “ Hi. Sorry to be a pain. DD just saw the schedule that she’s supposed to work on Sunday. She said she’ll ask about getting cover but Could she please not work. husband is still in hospital and she’s not been able to see him for 2 weeks as she worked both days last weekend and had a cold before that so she couldn’t get close to him. He’s struggling and they’ve not really seen each other since he was admitted at the beginning of September.”

Her boss ignored my message then pulled DD into the office during her shift yesterday and told her it was completely unacceptable that I messaged her and that DD must message herself (they’ve previously been told they should only message during shop hours of boss is on shift , ie if boss is not on shift, they don’t message but leave a note). She said DD has to try and get cover for the day, but if she could not then she had to let boss know asap. I know boss quite well as I used to work there myself. This would not have been a gentle conversation. When I picked DD up from work, she was upset.

I’m fuming that she had a go at DD for me messaging. She’s 15 years old, her dad has cancer and she’s seen him 3 times in total in a month. I was honestly expecting a little more compassion. Or actually reply to my message and ask me not to message her.

YABU - you should not have messaged. Boss quite within her rights to have a moan at DD

YANBU - that was mean to moan at DD when her life is really stressful right now.

That boss is awful, I'd be encouraging my DD to resign.

I was ready to say you were being unreasonable and then I saw she's only 15 and there are difficult life circumstances. You were definitely right to step in and advocate for her. I'm glad she's looking for work elsewhere and I hope things get better with your husband's health.

I think generally kids should be conducting their own conversations around work but there are definitely extenuating circumstances at play and boss has been unnecessary rude about it.

I’ve recently finished cancer treatment and to reduce stress during that time we suggested our DD16 give up her PT job just to have more family time and down time in general. She also plays sport which she loves and has an active social life. Spending time with a parent during treatment is so much more important than a PT job, unless finances are dire.

I would go as far as to suggest that the boss needs to learn some people skills as well as a bit of compassion! I am speaking as the grandmother of two children who lost their mother (my daughter) to cancer at the ages of 9 and 11! two years previously my grandson was at school and the headmaster had to phone my daughter in hospital because grandson was so upset and wanted to see his mum who was in hospital 60 miles away having major cancer surgery! they both understood about death and were and still are, absolutely bereft! I would tell her boss to get stuffed because your daughter's priorities are her dad and you just dont know what's around the corner. much love to you all.

I had to leave a job to go look after my dying mother in hospital. After she died, they gave me back my job.

I'm sorry that woman is so unpleasant.

Going against the grain and saying that it should have been up to your DD to contact her boss and request the time off in the first instance. If there were problems with that, then you could have intervened - and if that didn’t work instructed your DD to exit the job as it is unreasonable.

YANBU vote here.

I suggest if you/your daughter can afford it, she resigns immediately. Nobody should treat a teen like that.

Good luck to DH

Whilst I'd usually encourage teens to do their own talking when it comes to jobs, she's been exploited here in terms of her time as she's still under 16. There are clear rules on how much a child under 16 can work and one look at her schedule says she's been overworked.

In this case therefore, and given your family's situation, it is not unreasonable in the slightest for you to have got in touch.

Like others, I'd be encouraging her to quit the job and spend time with her dad.

YANBU. 15 is a child. I remember my dad calling my employer when I was 15 and advocating for me, I am 45 now so that was 30 years ago and I appreciate he did that.

The manager she is dealing with is in the wrong and I would recommend escalating this, speaking to a teen going through a difficult time like this in that way. Sometimes individuals within a company do not act according to company policies and values, and if it was my company I would want to know a manager is treating a staff member like this.

And agree with others, if as a family you can afford for your daughter to resign from this job, I would encourage it.