To think husband was rude to me?

[Pastagate]

I made dinner for husband and he ate on his own while I was dealing with something else at the time. C.30 mins after he started eating in the kitchen I went in to put away 3 mugs. Husband asked me to stop as it was annoying, so I did. I then took out a frying pan to make my own food. Husband got up, walked out of the kitchen without saying a word and went upstairs. Food left half eaten on the table. I text him if he had finished and he said yes. Asked him why he didn’t say anything when he left, he says he doesn’t need to and he left because taking the frying pan out annoyed him after having told me already that the noise from putting the dirty dishes away annoyed him. We got into an argument about his rudeness and he’s now asking if he has to tell me every time he goes from one room to another.

Was he rude when he walked off or AIBU?

Yes he is rude and no I wouldn’t be cooking for him again.

He can make his own fucking dinner from now on then can't he? What a princess.

All year

Ever

He's starting a fight over petty things so that later when he drops a bomb shell on you eg that he's had an affair etc he can say 'I tell you I don't like it when you do things like that and you still do it you don't respect me!' My ex did exactly this over things like I ask him where he put My things while he's in the bath instead of letting him relax, or I seemed busy when running late for work and he didn't like it.

Ugh.

I really hope you are canvassing views to confirm what you already know he is a rude, bratty man who should cook his own food with an attitude like that.

Since I'm cooking for the children anyway it feels childish not to cook extra to include him as well, and would actually cause me more stress since he'd be getting in the way in the kitchen trying to cook his own food.

I always cook, it’s just our set up. If I don’t have time to eat at the same time as him (eg when we are both WFH and I have meetings) then I will still try to cook something that he can eat on his own and I’ll eat when I can. He is responsible for washing up but he prefers to do it at the end of the day when the kids are in bed and I can’t deal with that because breakfast stuff etc all just piles up on the surfaces, so I do as much as possible during the day as I feel stressed working around dirty dishes. Apparently that’s my choice since he said he would do it at the end of the day. I find it particularly upsetting when he leaves things next to the dishwasher!!

I only cooked pasta with cheese sauce and he was only half way through 30 mins later because I assume he sat in front of his plate doing something on his phone like reading the news. That’s how I found him when i entered the kitchen.

I am trying to lose weight so wanted to eat something different, and I also happened to need to do something else that was time sensitive at the same time, which is why he was eating on his own. I think he might prefer that anyway. I cooked lunch today as well and when I went to sit with him he took his headphones off (likes to listen to podcasts). I didn’t have much to say so he said „I can put my headphones back on then“. I tried to make conversation but he said he wasn’t interested in what I was talking about.

He will see it as being kind to just walk off because after all he didn’t tell me to not get the frying pan out and therefore stop me from eating, but got himself out of an annoying situation instead. So he can’t see what he’s done wrong and I’m unreasonable to get upset. Can someone help me articulate why what he did was rude, because apparently it’s me that’s at fault here for being upset.

He sounds like a complete twat! A very rude one too!

You’ve probably read this before, but read it again.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Your marriage sounds a very sad and lonely place to be.
Inconsiderate husband with no manners or social graces who can't even give you the courtesy of conversation over a meal? Wearing headphones at the table to block the sound of your voice!
If you have a daughter, would you want her to set the bar so low for herself? Would you be proud of sons who behaved like this - because this is the model of acceptable behaviour they're absorbing from their father.

He sounds like a horrible abusive cunt, to be honest.

Eh? You need to have a really clear talk. His expectations are not realistic.

Is he annoyed by the sound of the cups and the frying pan because he knows he should have cleaned them up and is projecting on to you to make it your fault? The sound of it is making him annoyed not the inner voice telling him he should have helped.

I don't know if there any way to articulate the unfairness, because he sounds like a massive prick that ll argue either way.

How about thanks for dinner. I bet if you leave the plates he wouldn't wash up later sounds like he is bluffing

💐

Darling you did nothing wrong. The issue is his!!
If DP behaved like that his dinner would be on him or in the dogs!!
And I would not be cooking for him anymore

What were you dealing with at the time that couldn't wait until after you'd eaten? What was so important that meant your dh had to leave the meal you'd served him and then eat it cold? Why are you cooking two separate meals? Were you making a lot of noise?

That Huffington Post link really resonates 😞

He does wash up 95% of the time if I leave things to stand around until the end of the day. But I can't stand it. The plates aren't even cleaned off. Sometimes they don't even make it off our kitchen table and nice our 2 year old pulled the table cloth and everything went flying. I had to clear up shards covered in gravy etc.

But I can deal with that. What's really upset me is that after cooking for him TWICE today (which I do at least half the week), he made me feel shit by walking off without saying a word and his dinner literally half eaten, because taking a frying pan out of a drawer was too much noise. Apparently leaving him alone to eat in peace for nearly 30 mins wasn't long enough to finish his dinner. It would be if he wasn't on his phone!

Well the half eaten cheese pasta would have been stone cold after 30 min anyway, so just shove it in the fridge and he can eat it tomorrow. Or rather just leave the plate where it is.

He is treating you like a nuisance. Not someone who cooked his food for him just to be nice. Not cool.

Best answer.

So he needs to be left alone to eat his dinner??
So he can relax on his phone while you deal with everything else and then storm off while you deal with all the family detritus??
Then you are too noisy with a frying pan. Please rethink this relationship as his mind is clearly somewhere else and you are bothering him.
Run like f*, the signs are there.
He does not value you at all.

Your husband sounds like a twat.

You are being treated like a not very bright servant @Pastagate How long has he been doing this?

Stop cooking separate meals, which he doesn't appreciate anyway - certainly stop doing lunch for him as well as dinner. Do you cook breakfast for him too? What does he do for you (and I don't mean the dishes, which it sounds as though you do too). 🌹

He's rude and dismissive and regards you as his domestic appliance
Is this new behaviour?

Did the twat leave his dirty plate on the table for you to tidy away?

Honestly, just stop cooking for him. He doesn’t value you so don’t value him.

God he’s really weird. The whole set up is. Who sits and eats a plate of pasta over 30mmins and just only gets through half of it, it would be cold. And storms off due to noise, then gaslights you saying he’s to tell you when he leaves the room,

what a horribly odd little man.

Does he have noise sensitivity?