To not have children due to state of the world?

[Appleast]

I am 35 yo and married to a wonderful man. He’s always wanted children and, when we met, I said probably. The thing is, this country has become more and more hateful, with awful policies. National schadenfreude.
I grew up in a village near a prosperous city in the north. My parents had less qualifications than my husband and I but similar ‘level’ jobs. I had tutors, sports classes, foreign and UK holidays, a regular babysitter and was able to do 5 years at university for free. I grew up in a 5 bed house that was 3x my parents dual income. That same house would be 14x my husband and I’s dual income. We have a lovely 2 bed terrace in the city near my home village. My parents paid a huge deposit, independently we’d afford a studio. My parents have helped us and I’m extremely grateful but I’d like to think of a future where children aren’t dependent on their parents. My husband’s parents live 2 hours away and care a lot for his brother’s children.
Currently I’m a specialist nurse and work 40-55 hours a week. I live an ok life with some joy like a gym / yoga membership and a city break or beach holiday a year. I see first hand at work the brutality of the government’s policies but I earn enough with my overtime to shut it out on time off and enjoy my day to day life.
Ive done all the calculations and if I were to have a baby with 12 hours a week childcare from parents, nursery and the rest ourselves (me only doing 30 hours at work) we’d be borderline in poverty. There is no way we could give a child a good start in life and we’d have no escapism from the horrors of work through enjoyment. The sports clubs that were about when I was a child are now all shut to anyone but wealthy fee payers. The village I grew up in is for only the super wealthy and seems vacant of children. I’m my city the parks are housing estates. Streets are lined with litter and homeless. There’s no nightlife open or anywhere fun to go. If children try playing sport in a park people film them, put it on social media and complain. If children play by the river the police disperse them. I watch children have every part of their life controlled filmed and policed. I thought being a teen was anxiety inducing I can’t imagine it today!
None of my friends have had children. Not one woman I’m friends with from childhood or adulthood has a baby yet. I feel awful saying it but, looking round, only the really rough people I know are having (or have had) kids. Women I went to school with who have never had a job have 4 children and are struggling beyond belief. My colleagues with children are in masses of debt and depressed.
I couldn’t give a child the life that we had and I’d feel such guilt at relying heavily on my parents (that’s if they stay well enough).
A number of my friends have moved to Australia, and Canada at the hope of making a life there to have children. But I worry about global unrest / environmental future too.
Should I have a child to please my husband because he hopes / believes that the world will improve. After all, when we met at 28 I said I’d like to have children one day. He thinks we’ll work it out and his mum could help (she’s 2 hours away and unwell). By doing an extra day of work a week each
we save about £200 a month and have zero debt but I don’t think that’s sustainable to raise a child nowadays when everything costs so much.

Yes I’ve actually sorted out all the paperwork needed to register as a nurse in Australia. It’s only our love for our families and friends that keeps us here. When you visit places like the Cotswolds or Bath you look around and think what a glorious country to raise a child. I’m so scared about what’s happening here and, I think, because of work in the NHS and living in the north I see the true horrors that aren’t visible elsewhere.

If you don't want children then that's fine - don't have them.

But don't blame "the state of the world", because the world is probably better now than it has ever been - imagine having kids during a world war, or before there were any proper medicines, or when children worked down mines or when infant mortality was incredibly high. If you live in Britain then you live in a wealthy, safe democracy with proper education, healthcare and a welfare state.
Both major political parties in the UK are fairly middle of the road so there will always be some relatively minor policy changes, but nothing dramatic.

If you don't want to be a parent, a change of Government will make zero difference to you, so just own your choice.

You don’t have to have them for whatever reason

I hear you OP. It’s fucking boiling for October.

Bad stuff has been happening in the world for thousands of years, doesn't stop people procreating

But not everyone has insight and not everywoman is fortunate to have the choice to take contraception

whats Life look like without kids?
Not once have you mentioned your feelings towards kids- do you want them?

But there's always some joy - walking in the country, cooking, good views or community groups or something. With kids you do see the world in a different way and get fascinated by snails and flowers etc in a way you didn't before.

Really, really lovely words and so well put

Yes this was lovely. We’re near the coast and it’s made me think about the joys that can be gained from the outdoors

This.
Don't ruin his life for him. He might want to go off with one of the "rough" women you mention, that have never had a job!!!!
I wouldn't have a child if I were you, but if you do then please bring it up not to be as snobby and judgemental as you sound in some of your comments!

i know the maternal need to
have a child for some people but if u really want to help, there are hundreds if not thousands of kids in every country in the world needing loving parents. please consider this as an option if u can? singles and gay couples can adopt too. you would not be bringing another child into the world but providing love for one already here with very little but their names.

I do think you might be overthinking this a tad.
I suppose it boils down to, all things considered do you want a child? Best to decide sooner rather than later.
And like another poster says, if not tell your DH. So he can make an informed choice about staying In the relationship.

Your locality sounds nothing like ours. Kids can play on greens and in parks freely. If I lived where you did I’d be looking for an out!

People are more and more reliant on their parents, it seems. Boomerang generation. Don’t beat yourself up you’re working hard doing the best you can from the sounds of it. Could you be you be happy without a child? Could he? Pertinent questions..

Have you ever worked as a Nurse in London? Horrors in the NHS happen everywhere. It’s not just a Northern phenomenon.

The world is not going to improve. Sorry.

It is better to regret not having kids, than to have a kid and regret it. That is not fair on the child.

Have you considered fostering or adoption? This way you are not bringing a new life into the world, but are supporting a child that would otherwise have a (likely) much worse life without you. Depending on what country you are from you will get financial support.

Whatever you decide, it is something you should be discussing with your DH sooner rather than later, as this is one of those topics that can cause resentment later on in your relationship.

Lolly, but it's very unlikely she'd regret having a kid

Obviously, only you can decide whether to have children or not but you are painting a bleak picture. I'm not sure where in the North of England you'd only be able to afford a studio without help.

get the odd pedicure in summer but we can’t afford to shop at M&S. I hope that makes sense.

This is odd to me. I often shop in M&S but would consider a pedicure an extragance. I've never had one.

At the moment, things remind me a little of the 1980s. Things will improve and change. Climate change does worry me but it worried me 30 years ago.

I think if you want a child you should have one the state of the world notwithstanding. There will always be a reason to not do something. I think if it's what you want in life you will have regrets if you don't.

Don’t want one, done have one. I’m sure people at the turn of the last century thought the same- poverty, pollution, death rates of infants, WW1, WW2, Cold War, threat of nuclear war, Cuban missile crisis, the 70 and 80s on the face of it were a bit of a shit show.

Hope. That’s what was left in Pandora’s box.

looking round, only the really rough people I know are having (or have had) kids. Women I went to school with who have never had a job have 4 children

Nice.
I have kids, all 3 of my siblings have kids and virtually all of my friends have kids. We all work, aren't rough, and have a good standard of living.

No chance, people always say I am a natural with kids and that I would be a great mum but I never would want any of my own. Terrified of the world we are now living in, climate change, wars, COL etc. Amongst other things but I struggle to work out why anyone would want to bring kids into this mess of a world right now.

You shouldn’t have kids if you don’t want to, and all of your reasons are very valid. i have a 3 year old and often worry about the future.

However. I do think there are reasons to be optimistic. The government is going to change (next year for sure!) The world is in a bad place but my parents had similar fears in the 70s/80s when everyone thought nuclear Armageddon was about to kick off - they had the very same conversations about children. It’s not true as a PP claimed that “no one is doing anything” about the environment, yes it’s bad and much more needs to be done BUT we’re about to turn off our last coal fired power station and have a higher proportion of renewable energy than we have ever had. Coal use is at its lowest since the start of the Industrial Revolution. (I think Greta Thunberg - and aligned protest movements - is great for many reasons but I think the apocalyptic nature of her messaging makes many people feel it’s just hopeless, which it isn’t). And the world is filled with many wonderful people who fight for what is right even in the worst situations.

You make a decent wage. I make similar and I’m a single mother and we are ok. It’s tough with childcare but that’s a few years only. You absolutely can do free things with your children particularly if you live in the right place. I’ve been paddleboarding with my child today in a beautiful place and that was another level of joy. It sounds like perhaps where you live there are particular issues with public spaces - certainly where I live children get to roam and play in parks and green spaces, so you could look for somewhere that offers you that.

I agree with some PPs that you don’t sound in the best place mentally and perhaps you should look at that before you make a decision. If you really don’t want them, then don’t, as it will make you miserable then. But I will say, it’s my child who brings me the hope and joy that stops me being overwhelmed by the weight of the world.

Whatever you do, follow the path that feels right for you - you can’t have a child for someone else.

@Sigmama Plenty of people regret having kids. It's taboo to talk about socially, but there are plenty of articles out there on it.

You cannot compare today to days when women did not have access to plentiful, reliable contraception.
Its completely fine to not want to become a parent. This was not the case in the past. Times change.
You do sound slightly depressed though op. Make sure you look after yourself.

I am much older than you and have two children in their twenties.

Obviously I wouldn’t be without them now, but if I had known back then how fucking bleak the outlook would be for them, I am not sure I would have had them.

You don’t sound like you want kids so don’t have them. I disagree with your stance entirely - nobody would ever have kids if they waited to be financially well off enough. There are always obstacles.