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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lazy or valid excuse?

42 replies

Proudfootballmum · 08/10/2023 14:17

Been seeing a man for a few months. He has his 16 year old son (who has autism) living with him full time. His son is in full time education.

the guy I’ve been seeing does not work or have any ambition to and makes various excuses as to why. I suggested a work from home job, a school hours job etc. no. Has to ‘be there for his son’ who is in full time education everyday…

he drops his son to school in the morning then goes to the gym and swimming and spa etc before going to see a friend for a coffee or having a drive around etc. he is very happy taking any hand out he can get and is constantly checking if he can claim anything else.

also his flat is a mess, shoes and clutter everywhere, dirty, clothes in bags (can’t be bothered to purchase wardrobes or a shoe rack). Dark, keeps curtains shut all day, all surfaces full of clutter, letters etc…it seems that even with all that free time in the days, that cleaning isn’t a priority either. Seems all he does in the evenings is watch Tv and play his games console.

it’s starting to make me a little resentful as I’m a single parent to a teen also and work full time and run a business AND keep on top of the house and sons sports commitments etc. and he doesn’t seem to understand or empathise with how busy I am… constantly texting me whilst I’m working 12 hour shifts, telling me about his gym workout or that he’s at costa having a coffee etc.

I feel he should have a little more ambition and not use his son as a reason/excuse to live like this and feel I’m wasting my time on this man. He just seems like he wants the easiest life he can possibly have all round. AIBU to want a man with more oomph? Would you find a man like this off-putting or am I just being petty?

first post on here but have been a reader for years. Thanks in advance for your opinions x

OP posts:
MassageForLife · 08/10/2023 14:19

There's no way I would have gotten to 'a few months' with this man. He sounds like a complete waste of time.

Hanitiser · 08/10/2023 14:19

You know the answer. You're not compatible. You can't make him something he's not, that's where madness lies.

Throw this one back.

mydaughterisademon · 08/10/2023 14:19

Ugh

CesareBorgia · 08/10/2023 14:19

It doesn't sound as though your outlook on life is compatible with his. You don't need the validation of anyone, particularly not strangers on the internet, to end a relationship with someone who is irritating you.

Ffsnotaconference · 08/10/2023 14:21

Why are you with him at all?

You imply you think it’s entirely possible that he could work but is choosing not to.

Is that appealing to you?

Thebigblueballoon · 08/10/2023 14:21

A parade of red flags right there. Bollocks to he “has to be there” for his son during school hours. All of that time to do what he wishes and he can’t even be arsed to give his house a wipe?

SendARavenToRiverRun · 08/10/2023 14:22

Nope nope and nope again. No way would he have made it this far with me. Run while you can, unless you see your future supporting him, his kid, your kid and tidying up his mess whole working and doing what adults do.

newnamethanks · 08/10/2023 14:25

There's only one reason he needs a girlfriend and it's not for seeking her advice. You're not suited, he doesn't want to change, leave him alone and find someone else.

ASuitableName · 08/10/2023 14:26

Whatever are you doing with him? He sounds very unappealing. In what way does he enhance your life? I’m seriously puzzled.

fishfingersandtoes · 08/10/2023 14:28

It sounds like you don't like him and you are not compatible. You value work ethic, he values relaxing and having time to himself. There's nothing wrong with either approach imo, but they don't work together

Original poster
Proudfootballmum · 08/10/2023 14:33

Thanks all for your replies so far. My relationship before him was a long term very abusive (physically, mentally, etc) that ended in several court cases, my house being vandalised and me injured etc so i still don’t feel im healed enough to trust my intuition completely (working on it) so I thought other peoples input would be very valuable right now. It doesn’t sit right with me and I was starting to think that maybe this is good enough as he doesn’t hit me or abuse me etc. but no, I don’t like this situation. Thank you! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Proudfootballmum · 08/10/2023 14:34

No, not at all x

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 08/10/2023 14:35

He’s a lazy loser

Original poster
Proudfootballmum · 08/10/2023 14:35

thats my feeling but I just wanted to know I am not expecting too much. Thank you x

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 08/10/2023 14:38

A few months… I would t have got past him not being employed…
throw this one back

anniegun · 08/10/2023 14:39

If his lifestyle is working for him, makes him happy and he is looking after his son then why would he change. You may decide not be with someone like that but to insist he "changes" to meet your approval sounds a little controlling.

Original poster
Proudfootballmum · 08/10/2023 14:39

Yes I know. I was in a very fragile place when we met and was grateful of somebody to talk to and have a glass of wine with etc x

OP posts:
Original poster
Proudfootballmum · 08/10/2023 14:41

I haven’t insisted he changes his lifestyle nor will I. I asked him if he thought about getting a job as he has 6/7 hours free a day. X

OP posts:
VeneziaJ · 08/10/2023 14:41

Everybody lives their life differently one mans clutter is another mans cosy, but it sounds as if his priorities and values are not yours. There is nothing wrong with living life differently from another and after all life is too short to please another's standards BUT it isnt making you happy and he isnt going to change nor meet you in the middle etc. You deserve to be happy with someone who shares your outlook and goals this guy is not him

Olika · 08/10/2023 14:44

I think it's for the best if you walk away from this man.

mrsbyers · 08/10/2023 14:51

He might find his lifestyle has to drastically change once his son leaves education and then home - I imagine he is claiming additional benefits for him

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 08/10/2023 14:53

Lazy

cleowasmycat · 08/10/2023 14:54

How is he paying his bills?

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/10/2023 14:56

There's nothing wrong with either approach imo, but they don't work together

There is if you’re relying on the state to fund your relaxed lifestyle when you’re more than capable of working.

neverbeenskiing · 08/10/2023 14:56

You value work ethic, he values relaxing and having time to himself. There's nothing wrong with either approach imo

I disagree. I think there's a whole lot wrong with the second approach if he's expecting those who do have a work ethic to fund his choices. There is no god-given right to relax and have time to yourself at the expense of others. Anyone who cannot work, or finds themselves in between jobs, should absolutely be given financial support. Unfortunately people like OP's boyfriend who see not working as a lifestyle choice make it easier for politicians and certain sections of the press to demonise those who are legitimately in need of that support.

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