Lazy or valid excuse?

[Proudfootballmum]

Been seeing a man for a few months. He has his 16 year old son (who has autism) living with him full time. His son is in full time education.

the guy I’ve been seeing does not work or have any ambition to and makes various excuses as to why. I suggested a work from home job, a school hours job etc. no. Has to ‘be there for his son’ who is in full time education everyday…

he drops his son to school in the morning then goes to the gym and swimming and spa etc before going to see a friend for a coffee or having a drive around etc. he is very happy taking any hand out he can get and is constantly checking if he can claim anything else.

also his flat is a mess, shoes and clutter everywhere, dirty, clothes in bags (can’t be bothered to purchase wardrobes or a shoe rack). Dark, keeps curtains shut all day, all surfaces full of clutter, letters etc…it seems that even with all that free time in the days, that cleaning isn’t a priority either. Seems all he does in the evenings is watch Tv and play his games console.

it’s starting to make me a little resentful as I’m a single parent to a teen also and work full time and run a business AND keep on top of the house and sons sports commitments etc. and he doesn’t seem to understand or empathise with how busy I am… constantly texting me whilst I’m working 12 hour shifts, telling me about his gym workout or that he’s at costa having a coffee etc.

I feel he should have a little more ambition and not use his son as a reason/excuse to live like this and feel I’m wasting my time on this man. He just seems like he wants the easiest life he can possibly have all round. AIBU to want a man with more oomph? Would you find a man like this off-putting or am I just being petty?

first post on here but have been a reader for years. Thanks in advance for your opinions x

Clearly you aren't compatible so why waste your time?

Not everyone is the same though he might really like his life and be happy with it. If your not then find someone else.

Disgusting. Absolute no.,
You need to work on your boundaries, get some therapy and boost your self-esteem if you think this is in any way acceptable. Please be kind to yourself.

Yuck! He’s not doing a great job of caring for his son either if he can’t even provide a clean and tidy home for him.

You sound a lovely person. Hardworking with standards. Please set the bar a bit higher and get rid of this loser.

he is very happy taking any handout he can get and is constantly checking if he can claim anything else.

My immediate thought on reading this is that you would be a hardworking, self funded addition to his life and you would also end up giving him handouts.

His flat is a mess, shoes and clutter everywhere, dirty, clothes in bags (can’t be bothered to purchase wardrobes or a shoe rack). Dark, keeps curtains shut all day...All he does in the evenings is watch Tv and play his games console.

Two red flag character traits that are very unattractive.

You are not compatible, walk away.

YABU for being with someone you are this incompatible with. Simple as that!

Major ick on all counts. He's a lazy man, using his son's special needs as an excuse. It may be different if he needed lots of medical appointments etc. His house sounds gross- I hope you don't have to stay there. His son is being neglected if he can't even keep his house in a decent state. I'm sure his personal hygiene is not great either. If you do finish it, be honest, maybe he needs a wake up call.

It’s irrelevant whether or not he’s lazy. It’s very obvious that you don’t respect the way he chooses to live his life and you are completely incompatible. If you don’t approve of his choices, that’s fine - but don’t carry on dating him while thinking he needs to make changes to his life/values to align with yours. It’s not fair and one of you will always be miserable - him because he’s being pushed into a life he doesn’t want, or you because he isn’t meeting your expectations.

I could not respect someone who chooses not to work and is looking for handouts everywhere.

His son is autistic, he may be ND himself as it's strongly genetic. Executive dysfunction, overwhelm, exhaustion and sensory sensitivities lead to all the things you've described. You don't sound at all compatible and there is no reason for you to be questioning whether he's lazy or anything else, you simply stop dating him.

The not working wouldn’t be as big of an issue with me.
I’ve worked with many kids who have autism and even with 2 parent families, one had to give up work or go PT due to the demands an autistic child can bring.

I understand your resentment as I’m a single parent, working FT with an autistic child and I would struggle being exhausted every day knowing my bf was having more free time than me.

But it’s completely irrelevant as the biggest issue for me would be the state of his home and laziness.

Its possible he has depression but it’s not your problem.

Find someone who is more suited to you.
If you resent him already, then this relationship has no chance.

That's lazy! We have 2 kids, both ND. One has to stay home and be schooled by personal tutors and the other is ok at school. My DH and I both work full time and manage to clean (mostly!) cook food and live ... I'd be running for the hills

Absolutely this ☝️all day long.
sorry to hear of your past relationship experience OP, sounds awful and your self esteem must be at an all time low. But you deserve much more than this. Your values and work ethics are incompatible. There are good, kind men out there that work and do at least the basics at home. Don’t settle for this lazy sponger x

I clicked YANBU but actually you are being very unreasonable in even entertaining this complete waster.
What on earth attracts you to him?!

You clearly have no respect for him,you don't sound like you like him much, I'm finding it hard to believe his sexual prowess compensates for the former two points.

You are not compatible
Enjoy time single before looking to date again
You have been through a very hard time before this guy and I think you need to see you're worth more than him