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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only allowing my mum to visit my DC without my dad

41 replies

Smashthecycle · 08/10/2023 11:52

I'm going to try and keep this fairly succinct and get to the aibu - or you can skip to the TL;DR!

Throughout my childhood my father was occasionally physically and frequently verbally violent/abusive and my mother enabled or ignored it. I moved out and away by 18yrs old and went very limited contact until in my late 20s which was when my mum made a lot of effort to get along and somewhat acknowledged my dad's behaviour. My dad however has no redeeming features and is an odious gammon who spends all day spitting with rage about 'bloody immigrants and foreigners' and the likes.

Fast forward to an argument while at their house which started with my dad being rude to my (absolutely wonderful) partner and me calling out his rudeness. My dad sneered and accused my partner of 'clearly not being able to handle looking after a child' because he made a clumsy, harmless mistake, not to do with our young dc but while distracted by attending to them. I saw red and pointed out that this was coming from a father who punched his children to which he said he'd never laid a finger on us and I'm making it up, that I'm not right in the head etc.

I decided to just pack up and leave. My mum wailed about how cruel I am, that I'm punishing her by taking away her grandchild, want her to die alone and I'll regret it when she's gone (highly doubtful). I said she is welcome to visit us and see her grandchild anytime at all but without my dad which she said she won't do because she doesn't like going anywhere without him. She drives and is completely physically healthy, we're 1.45hrs away by car, 2.5hrs by train.

AIBU to put the caveat on her seeing us of coming alone?

TL;DR my dad is an absolutely vile man so I only want to see my mum on her own but she won't travel without him which means she won't get to see her grandchild.

OP posts:
pointythings · 08/10/2023 11:55

Nope, YANBU. She knows your dad for what he is, she was there. She's choosing him for whatever reason. These are the consequences. Stand fast and build your lovely little family, free of the toxicity.

ToadOnTheHill · 08/10/2023 12:00

I'd actually be really angry at your mum for turning a blind eye all those years ago and demanding life carries on to suit her.

That's actually really wrong of her.

Justcashnosweets · 08/10/2023 12:00

Your Dad sound awful OP, and your Mum not much better if she's willing to stay with a man who punched her children. You are putting your own family first which is the right thing to do. Go low or no contact and tell them why. Ignore the emotional blackmail from your Mum. YANBU.

Sunbird24 · 08/10/2023 12:01

Absolutely not OP. You aren’t stopping her seeing her grandchild, you’re setting appropriate boundaries to protect your own family. It’s her choice not to come and visit you unless her husband (I won’t call him your dad) can come too, so that’s entirely on her. She’s probably been conditioned by all those years of his abusive behaviours to think he’s not that bad, but she should have left him a very long time ago.

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/10/2023 12:01

YANBU. Being related by blood doesn't mean you're obliged to put up with their shit.

Lottapianos · 08/10/2023 12:05

Well done for putting your foot down and refusing to play along with the story that your parents are choosing to believe. You're being very reasonable and flexible by allowing your mother to come and visit you. You're rocking the boat, and refusing to play nice for their sakes, and there is always pushback when you do that. It sounds like no one has stood up to your father for a very long time, so please be proud of yourself for having the guts to do it

Nagado · 08/10/2023 12:15

I wouldn’t let either of them anywhere near children if I were you. He punched you and she sat back and watched it happen, and is now trying to emotionally blackmail you. I wouldn’t trust her anymore than I’d trust him. You reap what you sow.

Canisaysomething · 08/10/2023 12:20

Your mum has enabled your fathers abuse. Sadly I wouldn’t be seeing either of them.

Magenta82 · 08/10/2023 12:21

You are being very generous in allowing someone who enabled abuse to have contact with you, let alone your child.
If she chooses not to come that is on her.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2023 12:23

Yanbu.

And good for you for calling yet another vile man out for what he is.

I would never see him again.

But, I'd be kind to your mum. Yes, she's enabled him; but she's had a shit life and is of a generation who were taught that they had to have a man, and they had to stay with them regardless of their own happiness. I feel deeply sorry for her, and I would persist with the line that she is very welcome to come to see you all, but without your dad. It's up to her then.

napody · 08/10/2023 12:24

Lottapianos · 08/10/2023 12:05

Well done for putting your foot down and refusing to play along with the story that your parents are choosing to believe. You're being very reasonable and flexible by allowing your mother to come and visit you. You're rocking the boat, and refusing to play nice for their sakes, and there is always pushback when you do that. It sounds like no one has stood up to your father for a very long time, so please be proud of yourself for having the guts to do it

This. Please be proud of how brave you were to do this. And proud to be bringing your child up in a loving home.

Of course YANBU. I'm sorry that it sounds like she won't have the guts to come. It really is her loss.

Merryoldgoat · 08/10/2023 12:25

The only thing I’d say you’re being unreasonable about is letting your mum back in either.

I’d never have anything to do with them again.

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 08/10/2023 12:25

“I decided to just pack up and leave. My mum wailed about how cruel I am, that I'm punishing her by taking away her grandchild, want her to die alone and I'll regret it when she's gone (highly doubtful). I said she is welcome to visit us and see her grandchild anytime at all but without my dad which she said she won't do because she doesn't like going anywhere without him. She drives and is completely physically healthy, we're 1.45hrs away by car, 2.5hrs by train”

YANBU at all. Your Mother having reeled you back in by appearing to show regret for her past enabling of your Father has merely reverted to her lifelong stance of passivity/ignoring the issue. I’d completely leave them to stew, when the dust has settled in a month or two I’d write her a letter reiterating that she is welcome to visit you and her grandchild alone and that if she does not decide to do so that is entirely her choice. I’d put money on her not doing it, lifetime habits of enabling are hard to break and by her behaviour you will see the quality of grandmothering your dc is missing out on.

margotrose · 08/10/2023 12:27

I wouldn't be allowing my mother anywhere near my children if she'd behaved like that.

CleoCha0man · 08/10/2023 12:30

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2023 12:23

Yanbu.

And good for you for calling yet another vile man out for what he is.

I would never see him again.

But, I'd be kind to your mum. Yes, she's enabled him; but she's had a shit life and is of a generation who were taught that they had to have a man, and they had to stay with them regardless of their own happiness. I feel deeply sorry for her, and I would persist with the line that she is very welcome to come to see you all, but without your dad. It's up to her then.

How old do you think the mum is?! Im a grandparent in my 60s and wasn't taught that I had to keep a man at all costs. My grandmother maybe, but not my mother and definitely not me!

BoohooWoohoo · 08/10/2023 12:30

I'm surprised that you talk to your mum when she's married to a man who is vile and turned a blind eye to his violence.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 08/10/2023 12:32

Well done you.

You are ensuring that your DC will not be revisiting and reliving your childhood.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2023 12:34

Good point @CleoCha0man
I was thinking of my own mum really, who is 74, and thinks any man who so much as wipes his own arse is gods gift. I just feel sorry for them.

Incognito2023 · 08/10/2023 12:38

Good for you.

would your mum be able to stay overnight when she visits, or are you expecting/hoping that she would do the round trip in a day?

Mumsgirls · 08/10/2023 12:39

I am 60’s with dgc. I never believed I had to keep a man at any cost. By her actions, my mother late 80’s did

MariePaperRoses · 08/10/2023 12:41

Your dad is who he is. Horribly.

Your mother is the worst of the two in my opinion as she should have split with him and got you away from him.

Even now she is favourite him.

Personally, I wouldn't see either of them. They are both toxic.

thecatinthetwat · 08/10/2023 12:52

You’re making great decisions here op, unfortunately your mum is not. She is in complete denial and that will unfortunately mean she misses out on seeing her gc.

you’re doing the right thing op.

Grimchmas · 08/10/2023 13:02

Nice to see 100% consensus in the poll.

I'd be very annoyed with my mum for trying to pull that shit with you. Stick calmly to your guns with her.

Caken · 08/10/2023 13:19

Your child, your boundaries. Stay firm!

I’ve cut family off for various reasons and wouldn’t look back, that’s not to say it’s right for every situation but it can work just fine.

HollieHobbie · 08/10/2023 13:21

Good for you. I'm nc with my own mother for much the same reasons as you, she not only stood by while my father walloped all of us children (no matter who had done something wrong, we all got punished) but if we did something wrong (like going to put something in the bin and it accidentally slipped and went on the floor, immediately picked it up and put in the bin)she would take great pleasure in telling my father when he got in from work because she knew he'd go ballistic and hit us all.

I moved out without telling them when I was 18. Barely seen them since and certainly don't acknowledge her on the rare occasion we happen to be at the same place (family funerals, mostly).

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