Only allowing my mum to visit my DC without my dad

[Smashthecycle]

I'm going to try and keep this fairly succinct and get to the aibu - or you can skip to the TL;DR!

Throughout my childhood my father was occasionally physically and frequently verbally violent/abusive and my mother enabled or ignored it. I moved out and away by 18yrs old and went very limited contact until in my late 20s which was when my mum made a lot of effort to get along and somewhat acknowledged my dad's behaviour. My dad however has no redeeming features and is an odious gammon who spends all day spitting with rage about 'bloody immigrants and foreigners' and the likes.

Fast forward to an argument while at their house which started with my dad being rude to my (absolutely wonderful) partner and me calling out his rudeness. My dad sneered and accused my partner of 'clearly not being able to handle looking after a child' because he made a clumsy, harmless mistake, not to do with our young dc but while distracted by attending to them. I saw red and pointed out that this was coming from a father who punched his children to which he said he'd never laid a finger on us and I'm making it up, that I'm not right in the head etc.

I decided to just pack up and leave. My mum wailed about how cruel I am, that I'm punishing her by taking away her grandchild, want her to die alone and I'll regret it when she's gone (highly doubtful). I said she is welcome to visit us and see her grandchild anytime at all but without my dad which she said she won't do because she doesn't like going anywhere without him. She drives and is completely physically healthy, we're 1.45hrs away by car, 2.5hrs by train.

AIBU to put the caveat on her seeing us of coming alone?

TL;DR my dad is an absolutely vile man so I only want to see my mum on her own but she won't travel without him which means she won't get to see her grandchild.

We could have grown up in the same family, it'd always be small things, I once asked what time it was several times as I was 7 or 8yrs old and excited to go to the beach and he dragged me over by the hair and smacked my face into his watch over and over saying 'this is the time'. My mum would often resort to calling him to intervene if we (sibling and I) slightly annoyed her. He wouldn't even ask what it was.

A part of me only stays in touch because she sticks resolutely with saying she doesn't remember any of this happening so I feel I can't hold it against her...

Oh my goodness, the last two posts, can I change my vote please? I've misunderstood. To actually encourage abusive fathers is despicable. I'm so sorry for what the two of you went through.

A part of me only stays in touch because she sticks resolutely with saying she doesn't remember any of this happening so I feel I can't hold it against her...

How on earth can she not remember? You know she’s lying, don’t you?

I'm actually surprised at the consensus I'm not being unreasonable, I thought at least one person would say I shouldn't keep a grandchild away from a grandmother!

In answer to my mum's generation she's actually not from the UK and definitely grew up in a keep quiet and darn your husband's socks type of culture. She also didn't really receive an education and only had limited reading/writing (and English language) skills when she met my dad.

No the irony isn't lost on me that she's foreign.

Thank you for the responses, I feel a lot better about my choice now, especially protecting my little one from that toxic environment.

I suppose she could have blocked it out she desperately wants us to be a big happy family with the grandkids now but yes she probably remembers there's not much I can do to force her to admit it though unfortunately

Totally unanimous - I am sorry your dad was awful and your mum enabled his behaviour. Stay away from them!

'I suppose she could have blocked it out she desperately wants us to be a big happy family with the grandkids now'

Well, sure - that would validate her staying with him because we're all one big happy family, right?! I hear you that there's not much you can do about her levels of denial, but please be clear in your own head OP that your feelings do not matter at all to your parents. They are gaslighting you and brushing your very legitimate anger and hurt aside, because they're only focused on their own needs. So stay in touch with your mother if you choose, but keep your guard up and protect yourself and your kids

@Smashthecycle

There is no way she’s forgotten your entire childhood.

My mum had an idealised view of family life and was desperate for it and stayed in a really shit relationship for years and my childhood was rubbish because of her decisions.

A refusal to see the truth and her enabling your dad make her just as bad.

I’m really sorry you had to live like that.

I agree she is lying about bot rhering because that's juat easier for her to play innocent.

But also, logically speaking, say she really didn't remember or had no idea it was happening at the time....if one of your kids told you their father had been abusing them would you just shrug your shoulders and say "oh well"? Of course not. She should be horrified to hear what happened to you, and she isn't so that speaks volumes.

She put this man over her own children and she'll put him over her grandchildren, too.
Her choice.

Keep the scum away from your kids. Child abusers (they are both child abusers) are the lowest of the low. Have you done any therapy OP? Your responses indicate not, you should do some, being abused causes long reaching damage.

This is the first AIBU I've seen with 100% YANBU.

Don’t make my mistake - I so wanted that big happy family and gave my (also abusive) father chance after chance until the day he went for my own child.

This was never happening again. I severed contact with him, low contact with my mother ( whom even now years later emotionally blackmails me to let him back into our lives) Itz always a no.

My dc are now young adults and don’t miss him at all. We built up other close relationships that were loving and respectful of my children and us.

You will need to look after yourself at Christmas and Father’s Day etc. I find those occasions challenging but honestly we have big parties instead and have a whale of a time.

Your first duty is to protects your child at all costs. They do not deserve to be at risk to keep your mother happy!

Your mother remembers it all, but is in denial which works to protect her marriage and lifestyle. As it has always done. Don’t ever soften and imagine it could be different. It won’t ever be.

When you were little your mum chose your father over you. She's doing it again now. The consequences of that choice are hers to deal with.
Stick to what you've said and ignore any attempt by her to make you feel guilty.

My heart goes out to 7 year old you OP. Well done for doing the right thing.

I once asked what time it was several times as I was 7 or 8yrs old and excited to go to the beach and he dragged me over by the hair and smacked my face into his watch over and over saying 'this is the time'

This is horrific. As is them pretending they don’t remember how much they abused you.