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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding ex and school involvement/events etc?

54 replies

Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 08:38

I'll preface this by saying my ex is horribly abusive and made my life a living hell when I was with him. DD and I had to flee domestic abuse. he was physically and emotionally abusive and cruel to us both.
Ex only has supervised contact at the moment, a very limited amount. We're currently going through the court process which will determine what contact he will get.

DD5 has recently started reception and of course I am the day to day named parent on their system. The school have told me they only have one space to add a named parent on their system, everything else for the other parent is sent out individually by email etc (think school reports etc) I spoke to the head personally about the court situation and she advised me Dad would have to look on the school website for any details of events etc, she advised he would have to send a stamped addressed envelope to the school if he wanted a school a report also.

Well - of course DD speaks to her father about school during her sessions and she told him that she had school photos taken and that mummy attended a parents evening the other week.

WELL - EX has royally kicked off and I received an incredibly scathing letter via his solicitor detailing how I am purposely alienating him from school involvement by not informing him of these things.

A few things:

A) We have zero co-parenting relationship and all communication is currently done via Solicitors.

B) I was unaware I had to be his social and personal secretary and had to inform him of any events etc relating to school.

C) Everything is put on the school website which has been reiterated to him by the headteacher who took the time to call him after I gave her his telephone number and told her I had informed him where DD goes to school via solicitors.

Am I being unreasonable here? I do absolutely refuse to co-parent and communicate with him in any way possible, but I don't feel I should be telling him these things each and every time as it sets a precedence does it not?
Yes, there is the argument that I should perhaps tell him for DD's sake etc, but he's a grown man and knows where to find the information - ALL of the information is on the school website.

Another issue I have at the moment is DD is getting a lot of party invites and invites to play dates, some of them fall on when her contact sessions are with her father. Is it unreasonable fo rme to ask her which she would prefer to go to and then change as necessary? For example, she has a party coming up on a contact Sunday, it's a whole class party - I have asked her and she wants to go. So I have asked for contact to be brought forward to the day before to enable her to go. This is another thing he has kicked off about and expects for his contact to be prioritised over anything. I don't miss contact as a result, I just asked for it to be brought forward so that we can do both. This has happened a number of occasions now.

Dad cannot take DD to these parties either because of his supervised contact and quite frankly - it is 99% mums. Most of which know the situation and wouldn't entertain him. I don't want DD to be ostracised as a result.
We fled nearly 4 years ago and have been in the court process ever since, DD has had 4 years to set up a life, establish a circle of friends, make new friendships and is a popular girl at school. I am so proud of how far she has come.
Dad is not involved in any of this. Notwithstanding the fact that these are my friendships also with the mums and I also look forward to the parties and play dates.

AIBU in any part of this? I am being made to feel like I am being but I can't see where.
I've proposed if contact is to progress then I would have communication with a third party (one of his family members) but not him - I will never see or speak to him ever again because of what happened and how he makes me feel. However, I would use a go between, but even then I wouldn't go out of my way to inform them of all school information and events, surely as a parent to DD also he should take responsibility himself?

OP posts:
TrashedSofa · 08/10/2023 08:50

It's not up to you to be his contact with the school, no. Though it's a stupid system they have.

Original poster
Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 09:53

It's hugely frustrating

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 08/10/2023 09:59

I would stop asking him and start telling him (though I do know it's easy to say these things when you're not the one having to do them). Tell him that DD will be going to the party that day, and he can arrange another contact day if he wishes.

Are you obliged to reply to his solicitor and acknowledge the communication? Can you just send a postcard with the word "noted" written on it?

Marblessolveeverything · 08/10/2023 10:03

It's not a YABU as such. But if contact is supervised and challenging you need to keep to the schedule.

Flexibility in my experience can only be where both parents work together.
I would tell the parents dd schedule with her dad is XYZ . It won't be unusual.

Regarding school I would state in writing factually that all information is on the website. You won't be passing on publicly accessible information.

It's not fair but realistically the above is the likely expensive outcome from court.

Slaterz · 08/10/2023 10:05

You shouldn't be his secretary re the school stuff, but re the contact, it's court ordered and in a contact centre - you need to stick to that and not move it

DDivaStar · 08/10/2023 10:12

I completely get why you want as limited contact as possible through the solicitors.

I think if the contact is court ordered it would be difficult to start shifting it arounsnand set the wrong precedent.

Is there really full info available on the website ? Does it say photos are available to order and info about sports days, assemblies etc ? Would he even be allowed to attend these ?

I'm sorry this sounds like a difficult situation to navigate.

mrscatwoman · 08/10/2023 10:16

Why is it so often said that the law states that parents have responsibilities rather than rights and that it is children who have the rights, but then so often abusive men like this get to throw their weight around to the detriment of the child? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. It definitely shouldn't be down to you to inform him of everything but I think you do have to stick to the contact arrangements. It's absolutely shit though.

Original poster
Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 10:17

I do understand the challenges re the contact schedule but I'm not refusing to take her to contact. I'm just asking if contact can be brought forward to allow her to go..
In effect we're giving up a whole weekend to facilitate his contact as I'm taking her on an entirely separate day.
DD would have missed out on several class parties if not.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 08/10/2023 10:19

In an ideal world he shouldn't be seeing his child. Christ knows why the law allows women amd children to be treated like this.

Slaterz · 08/10/2023 10:20

Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 10:17

I do understand the challenges re the contact schedule but I'm not refusing to take her to contact. I'm just asking if contact can be brought forward to allow her to go..
In effect we're giving up a whole weekend to facilitate his contact as I'm taking her on an entirely separate day.
DD would have missed out on several class parties if not.

That is a shame, but if the contact is court ordered on a specific day and time, then you need to take her to that contact.

If he gets unsupervised contact with her, you will have to navigate the fact that he might not take her to the same things as you would, so it's not a bad thing to start now. I have an ex who never took mine to parties or activities on his day so I get it - but the court will view that the contact is the most important thing.

Sympathies on your situation.

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/10/2023 10:25

Who is supervising the contact? If it’s at a contact centre it’s not just as simple as changing or going earlier, the centre may not have the staff or the space because they’ll be supervising other contact at other times. On that basis I think you need to stick to the schedule.

Original poster
Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 10:25

I haven't missed one single session in the 4 years of the Court order. Its since DD has started school the social side has exploded. The thought of her missing a class party makes me sad. The thing is he's also setting the precedence by agreeing to it.. he does kick off but ultimately he does turn up to the contact on the changed date.

OP posts:
BadlydoneHelen · 08/10/2023 10:26

I think the school should be taking on the responsibility of keeping him informed about school events. It's ridiculous to say there's only room for one contact in their system- what about all the other divorced/split families?

strawberry2017 · 08/10/2023 10:26

The thing to remember is a solicitor will write any letter asked as long as it's not a lie and they are getting paid.
If he wants to know what's going on at school etc then it's on him to find out.
The party thing is difficult. Your not saying he can't see her you are just asking to swap days he shouldn't want her to miss out. He's just been an arse coz he doesn't like it.

Original poster
Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 10:27

I always notify a few weeks in advance. He'll get a letter a few weeks in advance and I'll contact the contact centre. They do the schedules weekly so they always have availability to fit us in.

OP posts:
Slaterz · 08/10/2023 10:28

Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 10:25

I haven't missed one single session in the 4 years of the Court order. Its since DD has started school the social side has exploded. The thought of her missing a class party makes me sad. The thing is he's also setting the precedence by agreeing to it.. he does kick off but ultimately he does turn up to the contact on the changed date.

I get it. The thought that my kids missed school friends' parties upset me too. But ultimately, contact with their dad was more important in the eyes of the court, and that's what I had to remember.

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/10/2023 10:31

Kids will miss parties though, it’s a fact of life we can’t go to everything we’re invited to - the question is whether you think going to a party is more important than her very limited contact with her dad, because there will be things that come along that take precedence over a party.

Original poster
Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 10:36

I get it. I do try

OP posts:
nibblessquibbles · 08/10/2023 10:37

Agree missing parties is a shame but it would be easier to just keep contact as it is. If he is allowed to take DD to the party then just let him, it is not your problem if he feels uncomfortable or ostracised.
On the school front, absolutely pathetic of the school to have only 1 named contact per pupil, divorce is v common these days. I suggest you set up an autoforward so that any emails from "blah blah primary" are automatically forwarded to him. Other than that you just write back and say that it is not your obligation to keep him informed of school information that is readily available on the website.

megletthesecond · 08/10/2023 10:37

A party ismore important than an abusive parent though. He's got away with his behaviour and your DC miss out on their friends.

Original poster
Righthererightnow3 · 08/10/2023 10:40

I don't think he'd be allowed to take her as he has very minimal supervised contact.
Plus without sounding like a child, the parents are my friends and form my circle..I've worked so hard to build a circle so we're not isolated

OP posts:
drspouse · 08/10/2023 10:42

I don't think an autoforward is a good idea as it encourages him to communicate via email.

BoohooWoohoo · 08/10/2023 10:45

Yanbu about school events. I'm 10 years on and my ex still asks when half term is rather than check the school website. When we were together I handled all school stuff and told him what he needed to attend and he clearly still sees me as his assistant. If your ex wanted to know about events he would have registered with school or looked at the website.

Yabu to request contact is changed. I think he could start doing the same in order to control you so in the mean time I would decline parties that fall on his time. It's a shame to miss parties but you risk this becoming a stick that you and dd are beaten with and him trying to do the same. I would avoid that at all costs.

Beachwalker66 · 08/10/2023 10:47

YANBU

I would either ignore the sols letter, or respond stating your confusion as the HT has already been in contact with XH explaining how he can obtain all the info necessary.

Just carry on as you are. He is doing this as a way to continue his control and abuse. Try not to give him too much head space and hopefully he will give up eventually.

In my experience, he might stop periodically when he has another woman to abuse 😞 but of course he will keep coming back.

You should be proud that you are keeping yourself and DD safe.

Goldbar · 08/10/2023 10:50

YANBU about not keeping him informed. You're not his PA.

I think you do need to stick to the planned contact times unfortunately. It's a shame if she's missing parties which she would enjoy (I have a similar age child so I know how much they love parties) but my experience at DC's school is that children with separated parents often end up missing out on school stuff like parties and fairs because they have a contact weekend with their other parent who either can't, or can't be bothered, to bring them to the school stuff. It's a shame but she won't be the only one with a parent who can't seem to manage to put her first in life.