AIBU regarding ex and school involvement/events etc?

[Righthererightnow3]

I'll preface this by saying my ex is horribly abusive and made my life a living hell when I was with him. DD and I had to flee domestic abuse. he was physically and emotionally abusive and cruel to us both.
Ex only has supervised contact at the moment, a very limited amount. We're currently going through the court process which will determine what contact he will get.

DD5 has recently started reception and of course I am the day to day named parent on their system. The school have told me they only have one space to add a named parent on their system, everything else for the other parent is sent out individually by email etc (think school reports etc) I spoke to the head personally about the court situation and she advised me Dad would have to look on the school website for any details of events etc, she advised he would have to send a stamped addressed envelope to the school if he wanted a school a report also.

Well - of course DD speaks to her father about school during her sessions and she told him that she had school photos taken and that mummy attended a parents evening the other week.

WELL - EX has royally kicked off and I received an incredibly scathing letter via his solicitor detailing how I am purposely alienating him from school involvement by not informing him of these things.

A few things:

A) We have zero co-parenting relationship and all communication is currently done via Solicitors.

B) I was unaware I had to be his social and personal secretary and had to inform him of any events etc relating to school.

C) Everything is put on the school website which has been reiterated to him by the headteacher who took the time to call him after I gave her his telephone number and told her I had informed him where DD goes to school via solicitors.

Am I being unreasonable here? I do absolutely refuse to co-parent and communicate with him in any way possible, but I don't feel I should be telling him these things each and every time as it sets a precedence does it not?
Yes, there is the argument that I should perhaps tell him for DD's sake etc, but he's a grown man and knows where to find the information - ALL of the information is on the school website.

Another issue I have at the moment is DD is getting a lot of party invites and invites to play dates, some of them fall on when her contact sessions are with her father. Is it unreasonable fo rme to ask her which she would prefer to go to and then change as necessary? For example, she has a party coming up on a contact Sunday, it's a whole class party - I have asked her and she wants to go. So I have asked for contact to be brought forward to the day before to enable her to go. This is another thing he has kicked off about and expects for his contact to be prioritised over anything. I don't miss contact as a result, I just asked for it to be brought forward so that we can do both. This has happened a number of occasions now.

Dad cannot take DD to these parties either because of his supervised contact and quite frankly - it is 99% mums. Most of which know the situation and wouldn't entertain him. I don't want DD to be ostracised as a result.
We fled nearly 4 years ago and have been in the court process ever since, DD has had 4 years to set up a life, establish a circle of friends, make new friendships and is a popular girl at school. I am so proud of how far she has come.
Dad is not involved in any of this. Notwithstanding the fact that these are my friendships also with the mums and I also look forward to the parties and play dates.

AIBU in any part of this? I am being made to feel like I am being but I can't see where.
I've proposed if contact is to progress then I would have communication with a third party (one of his family members) but not him - I will never see or speak to him ever again because of what happened and how he makes me feel. However, I would use a go between, but even then I wouldn't go out of my way to inform them of all school information and events, surely as a parent to DD also he should take responsibility himself?

It's easier to miss whole class parties because the birthday child has lots more friends there so the absence isn't as obvious and you're not letting them down in the same way that missing a party for 5 kids. There will be other kids who can't make them too.

I think he already knew about parents evening and school photos, and quizzed your DD about them. What 5 year old would bring up parents evening as a conversation topic? Sounds like a manipulation tactic by him.

Unfortunately in court his rep will ask did you make dd available on date, time. Yes or no.

The alternative arrangement will only be brought up by your rep. This is just wasting court time and annoy judges. If court mandated then it has to be adhered to.otherwise you are giving him ammunition.

Unfortunately your dd will need to miss the few parties. It's not fair but that is the way it is for a lot of children

Just ignore the solicitor's letter. That's a load of bollox.

Do you intend to never have your child miss a party? Can you say that you will always take her no matter what? In my experience, no child.attends every party they are invited to. I do think you need to be seen to prioritise contact whilst the issue is in court. Your changing contact could be used against you.

You are in no way responsible for his contact with the school.

I don't think a young child can make the decision to change or miss contact, though. I think, unfortunately, that this will be expected to take precedence over a party. You could ask to change, but I don't think you can demand it.

But surely me prioritising his contact is actually prioritising to take her on a different day and not missing it.
I can see what people are saying I do. But she has no friends whatsoever in the area he lives in. There's 90 miles between us where we live.

No. If it becomes court ordered, changing days will be seen very poorly. And him saying no but changing days anyway will show him in a very good light, which you don't want.

I do understand that she and you would rather be at the party, but you need to stick to the contact days.

Hmmm. I hear you op but I think you are being unreasonable.

If her dad has parental responsibility, then the school ARE legally obliged to send him the same information they send you. Your head teacher is wrong about that, 100%.

If contact falls on the same days/times of parties then you MUST NOT ask your dd, at 5 years old, which one she prefers - it's like giving her the choice over going to school or not, veggies or sweets etc, contact with her dad comes first. If HE agrees to change his days for contact then (and only then) should she go to the party. It's shit, but you will be seen as withholding contact.

It is not your responsibility to inform him of school events, he can access that information himself. I would reply as such to his solicitor myself.

Is there any way at all you can have contact with him that is solely about your dc? Via an app, or family member/friend? You say you don't co-parent with him but the cold, hard, difficult truth is that you are both parents and your dc has the right to a relationship with her dad.

You're right about her having the right to a relationship with him but he has no right to a relationship with me.. and I won't be communicating with him on anything. Trust me, this is not my character at all. I see the good in everyone. But I know what I've been through and how it makes me feel to see him and hear his voice. Not less also he's actually blamed me for abusing him and played the victim. I just can't have him in my life in any way.

I get the importance of prioritising his contact and I'll no longer ask to change.

As for the head, she's not wrong.

I can see what people are saying I do. But she has no friends whatsoever in the area he lives in. There's 90 miles between us where we live.

From what you’ve said she isn’t going to his, she’s seeing him at a contact centre so her having no friends at his is irrelevant. If it does get to unsupervised contact at his in some ways it’s even more important that there’s a regular schedule so she can join groups and make friends who will get to know when she is with him.

I know it feels unfair but it’s in her interests in the long term for you find a way. Flexible co-parenting needs parents who are amicable enough to communicate and give and take. You don’t want a relationship with him, which is fair enough but that means you can’t really have a flexible approach to contact.

I think you should reply to the solicitor to say, "Please communicate directly with X Primary School on this matter to reach a resolution. I do not wish to be contacted further on this issue."

With the contact, I think you need to stick to it to the letter and avoid communication with him as much as possible.

As far as I'm aware he's given the school his email address.. so it's up to him to check it to find out anything. He would've been notified of the school photos via email and it was also published on the school website. I can't spoon feed him.

Actually, I'm just sat here re reading all of the solicitors letters and it does ask if he would be willing for contact to be brought forward subject to contact centre availability. It is giving him the choice rather than dictating that contact has to be brought forward

Has he sent the school a solicitor's letter demanding the information? Thought not

What I gather is that he expects me to tell him everything. All school events, information, parents evening etc.
As mentioned, the school has a system where they have only one space for parent number 1, parent number 1 receives all of the day to day stuff, has all of the school accounts and gets all communications via email and school account and WhatsApp.

Parent number 2 can sign up to the account also but will get directed to the school website for information on events etc.

Parent number 2 just doesn't receive the day to day stuff.. I.e "please bring wellies" etc.
I don't see how that's difficult to navigate.

School are being unreasonable- there are lots of families where children spend different days at different parents houses so that day-to-day information needs to go out to both households

My ex tried this in court. That I was responsible for keeping him informed of school matters. Judge told him it was his responsibility, not mine. Ignore the solicitor. They will write whatever they're told for a fee, regardless if it is wrong or not.

Don't get involved with the being the school contact thing. He can liaise with the school.

It's a stupid system they have, separated parents is a really common situation so only being able to have one named parent is silly these days. I had this problem with my DD's dad, I just said sort it out yourself if you want to know what's going on, not my problem. The most I did was send on a scan of the school reports because we only got one paper copy. I stand to be corrected but I can't imagine a judge would order you to essentially fill in for the school on this respect.

Her new school is able to send things to both of us - hurrah! We've just had to agree between us that only one of us will do the "for action" things that come up, like consent forms, to avoid confusion.

Sadly. That's the schools system.

Honestly, @Righthererightnow3 . Don't get involved with the school and your Ex. Ask the solicitor to contact the school directly, it's their problem to solve.

He is responsible for his own life now, and that includes looking up the school information.

It is just a stick to beat you with. You are not responsible for him, he is capable of looking up the info on a website the same as you are.

This is how I feel

The school? Not your responsibility. He can unreasonably demand all he likes but no court would make you become his social PA.
The parties on his contact time? Obviously, you shouldn't be offering a 5 year old the choice. Stop planning things on his time with your child.

I will need to stop trying to make sure she attends parties..I do get what posters are saying and take this on board.

Plus without sounding like a child, the parents are my friends and form my circle..I've worked so hard to build a circle so we're not isolated.

Just want to validate this feeling. My ex put next to zero effort into getting to know other school parents and while I built a close group of friends, he would often slag them off behind their backs.

Recently he had to drop one child off at a social gathering for kids and parents that I was bringing our other child to later, and when I arrived, it gave me the rage to see him standing around with a beer, acting the Disney Dad to MY friends, who he couldn’t be bothered with at all while we were together.

When you know what a manipulative fucker someone is, it’s completely rational to feel anxious and territorial when he starts trying to worm his way into your community.