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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not live a lonely life for the children?

50 replies

SpannerH · 08/10/2023 06:55

Advise please.
32, 2 children (4&2) together 10 years, married 4.
I'd say the past 8/9 years have been fairly happy never thought of splitting up. Sex got worse, as it sometimes does kids, tiredness etc.

The past 10 months it's all come to a head, he did something in January that made me loose a lot of trust in him while he was in sole charge of the children. I think because nothing else had happened until this point and he is a fundamentally good man, not abusive, works, cleans etc. I tried to move passed it.

Since then sex has become non existent, we barely spend time together apart from the daily routine of sorting the children out etc. I'm so lonely. I've tried everything I can think of to get us back on track, offered therapy (his dad passed 3 years ago), marriage counselling, an open marriage. He kept saying all the right things but not doing even one thing to sort it. Anyway came to a head last night and I basically said I can't do it anymore.

But I am so scared. What will happen now? How will I afford to live on my own? House is mortgaged, no money to buy him out. He's going to move into spare room/office to start with. Car is in his name but I need to do school runs. My head is all over the place. Part of me thinks I should just out up with a mundane loveless life for the children, the other part feels relief I've finally said it.

People who have been through this, could I have some advise please?

OP posts:
Diymesss · 08/10/2023 07:09

First step would be see a solicitor and go over your financial info

You may have to sell the house and split the equity. The starting point in a divorce is usually a 50/50 split but this can vary depending on housing needs and what your incomes are. A financial mediator to help you agree a split will be much cheaper and quicker than going through the courts.

towriteyoumustlive · 08/10/2023 07:36

You have two young children so it's normal that life is busy. What you describe is life for a lot of people. Me included.

What happened when you organised a family day out? Did he refuse to come?

Hummingbird233 · 08/10/2023 07:39

So 12 months of boredom and you're jacking it in? I agree with PP, it's very normal after so long together and young children that your relationship declined. God, I know mine has. But I also know it will get better once the kids are older and we have more time and energy.

What have you done to revive the marriage?

What did he do that shook your trust in him?

DustyLee123 · 08/10/2023 07:41

Do you work ?
Do you have your wage and child benefit paid into your own account ?
Do you have any savings in a joint account ?
You need to see a family solicitor, I think you will find it very empowering.

Original poster
SpannerH · 08/10/2023 07:43

@towriteyoumustlive
He doesn't really come on days out with the me and the children. When he has the kids he will end up at his mums or in the pub with them. The main issues are
No sex
No affection
His impatience with the children
His need to drink/I believe put drink before us
But I'm scared I'm going to regret splitting our family up over this

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 08/10/2023 07:45

Don't know what happened at the start of the year but this feels like something worth trying to repair.

Just lay it on the line and see what happens

minipie · 08/10/2023 07:46

Well I don’t know what happened in January.

But assuming it wasn’t unforgivable I’d be suggesting you give it time and work on your marriage rather than working out how to leave.

Two under 5 is a tough period for lots of couples, everyone is tired.

What do you mean by “saying all the right things but doing not even one thing to sort it”?

DustyLee123 · 08/10/2023 07:46

Did he put the children’s safety at risk in January ?
It sounds like you are feeling resentment

cherrypeachparfait · 08/10/2023 07:47

I’d insist on couples counselling before you Jack in a marriage

minipie · 08/10/2023 07:48

Ah ok cross posted with your update

I’d be giving him a ultimatum about the pub/drinking. That stops or you split

MichelleScarn · 08/10/2023 07:49

What else is going on?
What is his work/are you returning soon?
If he's working lots of hours/long commute is he just knackered?
How often is he drinking and what's he drinking?
Are you getting out and about yourself?

Original poster
SpannerH · 08/10/2023 07:49

@DustyLee123
I do work. 30 hours over 4 days. I get a base wage and then commission which varies every month so although I don't earn a lot I'm not sure I will be entitled to anything. No savings, just paid for the bathroom with it

@Hummingbird233
He, in my eyes got drunk (while I was in another city 1.5hrs away stopping out for the night) in charge of (at the time) a 20month old and 3.5yo. Passed out, came to and rang me asking where me and the kids were. He had the oven on at the time too. He found the kids upstairs apparently. His version is he must have had a virus and wasn't drunk. I lost trust in him that night, and I think it changed the way I see him.

This is my point. Do I just get over myself and put up with the loneliness for the sake of the children and the finances. I don't believe there is anyone better out there if I'm honest but I know hand on heart if money wasn't an issue he wouldn't be here anymore.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 08/10/2023 07:51

My worry for you is that if he gets 50/50 then you're going to spend half your life worried your kids aren't safe.

DustyLee123 · 08/10/2023 07:51

No, you don’t put up with that, but if he gets 50% custody you won’t know what’s happening when he has them.

YukoandHiro · 08/10/2023 07:52

FWIW I couldn't get past that either. It would be game over for me. But I wouldn't want him to have unsupervised contact.

FabFitFifties · 08/10/2023 07:53

I wouldn't worry about the 50/50 - he doesn't seem likely to go for it, and you have ammunition. He'll probably drink more and more.

itsgettingweird · 08/10/2023 07:54

I think you need to talk again.

The chances are he realises now how serious you are you can't carry on like this.

When he the drinking start? Losing his dad inbetween having 2 children will have had a massive effect and he may be too scared to start counselling because he'll have to face the issues. But facing his marriage ending may open his eyes to this.

If it's genuinely love that's gone then split.

If it's life getting in the way I'd not throw something away that can be fixed or has a chance at being fixed.

I agree that what happened in January needs exploring. Is he in disagreement with you on the seriousness? Is he struggling to understand your reaction to it?

I'd start with talking and making it clear the drinking needs to stop or be cut right back.

CherryMaDeara · 08/10/2023 07:54

YukoandHiro · 08/10/2023 07:51

My worry for you is that if he gets 50/50 then you're going to spend half your life worried your kids aren't safe.

This is so unhelpful.

He will not want the kids 50%, he’ll barely see them. His type never do.

Original poster
SpannerH · 08/10/2023 07:57

Sorry trying to reply to all. Appreciate you taking your time to reply to me.

At first he said it was grief from his dad dying, that's when I said about grief counselling. Our friend works for a mental health charity and sent him a referral but he never took it forward. I asked him to see the Dr, he said no point he feels fine.

Then he said it was because our youngest is hard work and tbf he wasn't sleeping through or anything but improved so much. Lastly he said he was just exhausted by day to day life. But my point is he doesn't have a second job or anything it's literally 8-5.30 mon-fri and every other Saturday. We had to rehome the dogs because he couldn't cope, I can't do any more to relieve any stress for him.

It's like we just co parent in the same house which is fine but how long is that sustainable for when it makes you feel so lonely?

He would drink every day if he could but I try and limit it. He used to message me and say shall we have a drink tonight and say no weekend etc. Now he just comes home with it because he knows I'll get annoyed off but then he still gets beer. I had a 2x bottles of spirits in the cupboard. Went to get one Friday night and there wasn't even a shot left in both of them. I hardly drink spirits so they should have lasted ages but he'd obviously been sneaking them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpannerH · 08/10/2023 08:00

His dad died from complications to alcoholism. He has it in him to go the same way and it does worry me. Yes that's what my mum says, stay with him because then I know the kids are safe. It just seems like a rubbish life to lead. I'm 32, this could be the next 16 years. The thought of that makes me feel despair.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 08/10/2023 08:03

Have you sat him down calmly with no judgement to talk about his drinking affecting his life and his health. Would he agree to go to AA?. Did you tell him either he takes action to stop over drinking, the marriage can't go on?. I think sitting down to talk gently with no judgement may help. Let him see that you are in it together but it can't go on.

freedomseeking · 08/10/2023 08:05

This strikes me as more of an alcohol issue than a loneliness issue. Living with an addict is bleak, OP. I don’t blame you for wanting the change. By all means have the talk with him, but ultimately you need to have one eye on the future for you and your kids. Whatever happens - you will handle it and you will all be OK.

SJP306 · 08/10/2023 08:07

I work 30 hours as a single parent, and I get universal credit. Obviously it'll depend on your income each month and if you have savings but I'm sure you'd be entitled to help if it come down to it.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 08/10/2023 08:10

I read your OP to my husband and he asked if I'd written it.
Very similar issues with alcohol here.
I don't know what the answer is but I do know making the decision to leave isn't easy. Unlike you, I'd say we are best friends and get on really well, but my husband's impatience and anger at the children upsets me the most and I also suspect he'd be a far better/calmer/loving dad if he only had to be a dad part-time. But I don't know if it's enough to split the family for.
My friend says one day the decision will make itself, I'll just know it's time. I feel like I'm just waiting for that to happen.

LividGas · 08/10/2023 08:10

I’m sorry op. I divorced an alcoholic once and it’s hard.

Even if you stay with him, you can’t watch him 24/7. You’d be trapped in your own home.

You need to split and find a way to manage access so he’s not unsupervised.

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