To not live a lonely life for the children?

[SpannerH]

Advise please.
32, 2 children (4&2) together 10 years, married 4.
I'd say the past 8/9 years have been fairly happy never thought of splitting up. Sex got worse, as it sometimes does kids, tiredness etc.

The past 10 months it's all come to a head, he did something in January that made me loose a lot of trust in him while he was in sole charge of the children. I think because nothing else had happened until this point and he is a fundamentally good man, not abusive, works, cleans etc. I tried to move passed it.

Since then sex has become non existent, we barely spend time together apart from the daily routine of sorting the children out etc. I'm so lonely. I've tried everything I can think of to get us back on track, offered therapy (his dad passed 3 years ago), marriage counselling, an open marriage. He kept saying all the right things but not doing even one thing to sort it. Anyway came to a head last night and I basically said I can't do it anymore.

But I am so scared. What will happen now? How will I afford to live on my own? House is mortgaged, no money to buy him out. He's going to move into spare room/office to start with. Car is in his name but I need to do school runs. My head is all over the place. Part of me thinks I should just out up with a mundane loveless life for the children, the other part feels relief I've finally said it.

People who have been through this, could I have some advise please?

However cafcass are likely to decide he is perfectly ok to have lengthy unsupervised contact

So, and I very much wish this wasn't the case, op needs to factor in that her children could be with this man unsupervised for 50% of their time

It's shit and cafcass enrage me, I've supported various friends who have been through it, but cafcass currently are very pro contact even with the most dangerous parents.

Think about how living with an alcoholic affects children.
Personally I think both you and the dcs would be better off not living with him.
Addicts have to want to change. He isn’t anywhere near that stage yet by the sounds of it.
Divorce is hard, but millions of people get through it.

It's not unhelpful, I left a horribly abusive man. Thought me and the children had escaped. No, it was out of the frying pan into the fire. I was safe but my children were far more vulnerable. Cafcass fell for his charms. Even when my son made harrowing disclosures to school they still were happy with unsupervised contact.

The family courts need to change , but people need to know what happens not what we think should happen.

I

I left the father of my two children last year for alcohol related reasons and I've never regretted it. I had had enough of worrying that he was drinking before he picked them up from school, passing out on the sofa whilst he was supposed to be watching them, not having any energy on the weekends to do anything and being grumpy and irritable with them. He was not drinking vodka first thing in the morning and held down a job. It's not like when you see alcoholism on films or TV.
You're lonely because they essentially aren't there. I was doing addiction training with work the other week and I ended up annoyed at it because it's central message was that addiction is pretty much just loneliness and lack of 'connection'. Well he had three people at home who loved him, he had friends, he had his family and my family who loved him. He was the one that pushed everyone away. But I digress...
Your DH needs a wake up call. Tell him that you want to leave because you don't have a husband anymore, you essentially have another child to pick up and tip toe around. Give him time to get that support from MH charities or AA. If nothing has changed by Christmas I would leave.

This is a very cavalier attitude to have, of course 'his type' do and children are put at risk.

You might be blasé about it but I certainly wouldn't be if these were my children.

@YukoandHiro made a very valid point.

You're better off leaving him now rather than later.. Best wishes, it'll be hard but well worth it

"he said he was just exhausted by day to day life. But my point is he doesn't have a second job or anything it's literally 8-5.30 mon-fri and every other Saturday."

Just a minor point - An average 13+ hr workday (8-5.30, 5.5 days per week ie every other Saturday) plus young kids does sound exhausting.

Even most parents of young kids working a normal 7/8h workday find day to day life a strain. I could be reading it wrong, but you sound a bit dismissive of his atypical workload.

Caveat before anyone goes off on me is that this isn't a comment on his potential alcoholism, fitness to parent or as a husband, contribution to household, etc which are all more major factors.

He just keeps moving the excuses. He has no intention of making this better.

@SpannerH is he an alcoholic? Was he taking medication and drinking at the same time? I'd lose a lot of respect for him too tbh.

But the circumstances would dictate my response (if it was just drinking then I'd consider leaving. If he was ill, taking medication too and didn't realise he couldn't have a pint with it then I think I'd feel differently).

But boredom in relationships is pretty normal when you have small kids and when you've been together a long time. And a family seperation can be traumatic for children so I'd think long and hard about ending it before trying everything else to fix it.

His working hours are fairly full on and family life with young children is exhausting. It puts a strain on every marriage. Plus a bereavement. It sounds like alcohol has been a crutch and by saying no beers he has felt the need to have spirits instead perhaps to numb the pain.

I would suggestion a short separation to give both of you thinking time with an ultimatum that you will ask for a divorce if he doesn’t change.
I was in your situation ( not alcohol but the rest) and DH sorted himself out and we are happy 3 years later.

They might be safe but all you'll be doing is teaching them is that this is what a marriage looks like. No love, miserable ect. Please dont teach them that. If you stay you'll make it so your children either end up like you or your DP,

Would you want your children staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of their children? Or would you want them to be happy?

My parents stayed together for us...... you have no idea how much it fucked all of us up watching an unhealthy relationship play out. You can see the effects in everyones marriages and relationships.

I'm single but all of my siblings are in unhappy relationships and they think that its normal? Because that's what we grew up learning.

Dont sacrifice your own happiness

I think having young children, becoming parents, massively changes the dynamic of your relationship. When mine were young, I remember me and dh didn’t have sex for 4 years after our youngest was born! All I could focus on was trying to be a good mum, and I’m afraid our marriage suffered as a result. Dh wasn’t happy, as struggled to cope with the responsibility of being a parent. He went out drinking a bit too. I’m really not sure how our marriage survived. But it did. Once the children got older, our relationship improved. I would now tell my younger self not to take each other for granted and to get a balance between focusing on the dcs and each other. If your marriage was good pre children, I would hold on in there, and try to spend more time together just you and him, maybe on odd nights out, or even weekends away just the two of you if you have child care. Don’t give up on things too soon. No marriage is perfect, and if you were happy before, if you work on things, you can be happy again.

You have my sympathy.
We read on mn all the time about women who can't afford to leave unhappy or abusive marriages.
If you've made your mind up that you want out you need to think about the reality of how you're going to survive.
For example, when my dsis exdh left her, her world imploded.
She tried to maintain the lifestyle she had with her ex, which was impossible.
Despite all the advice we gave her she balked at the thought of not being able to afford her car, not being able to keep her house, giving up her social life, even down to the nitty gritty of curbing her online clothes shopping and Tesco deliveries (cutting down her food bill and using Lidl)
Three years down the line and she's in shit street financially.
The ex wants the house sold, she's got nowhere to go, in a massive amount of debt, bought a dog, still got a car and is living on benefits.
My point is think this through & start planning, put any thoughts of maintaining your lifestyle aside and get practical.
*Where are you going to live, could you rent, where's the deposit going to come from, if you own the house can you sell?
*Can you continue to work, reduce your hours, apply for benefits?
*Childcare, can you afford it?
*Get used to not having a car, how will this impact you?
All these things need careful planning but remember that there are plenty of women who survive on their own with their DC

There seems to be a couple of issues here TBH. He sounds depressed ,and is turning to the bottle for comfort? Losing a parent is traumatic,and he is needing support.I would phone AA for advice .I think they will speak to family members as well.Also maybe grief counselling .Cruse has a free service .I think if he is drinking and in charge of DC thats a worry. Marriage Counselling together may help you if he will agree to come .He is probably exhausted from grief as well. The situation is difficult .At 32 you are a young woman and have your life ahead of you .Perhaps see if he will agree to get help and re assess .If you divorce now or in 10 years it will still be difficult.As PP says upthread its hard to imagine life on your own and at the same level .Women do it all the time though .Maybe give it to New Year and see if anything has changed by then

He's got a job, that's a good thing. It means he can pay maintenance for the children when you split up. Please don't bring your kids up with an arsy alcoholic partner, who won't take any steps to sort out their problems. I did, and I bitterly regret it because of the awful effect it had on my DD and on me. He's an unfit parent, and you need to think about the kids' best interests in the long term.

OP, firstly, you don’t need permission to leave someone who has failed to to a decent partner. That situation would have sealed the deal for me too. You need to stay calm and think about the environment you want your kids to grow up in, thr role model you want to set for them to see what partnership looks like.

50/50 is never court ordered except for when the precedence has been set through an earlier agreement with parents. Don’t set the precedence. He is clearly a risk.

can you tell some people in real life? Does he have family he can stay with? You’ll 100% get through this and in a few years be so, so much better off. You don’t want your kids to turn out like him or marry someone like him.

It doesn’t matter what he did, or about the alcohol.

Everyone deserves to be happy, and if you’re not happy, that’s reason enough.

Im surprised that at first people were saying you should try to stay and save things… when you also see so many people posting, on threads where someone has an affair, that they should have left if they weren’t happy.

I am enraged when I see so many people on here essentially telling women to stay with addicted or otherwise dangerous men due to the risk of unsupervised contact otherwise.

I listened to this type of advice, until I realised that my children were still being greatly damaged by living with an addict, and because of the general atmosphere of being on eggshells and and anger and confusing behaviours. Even as a resident parent you generally can't be there 24 hours a day - and what is meant to be protective behaviour about minimising time the other parent has sole care, and being concerned about big nights out, will show up to others and your growing children as being controlling and a bit of a fun sponge. To be fair, I did become controlling and a bit of a fun sponge. There wasn't another option.
You don't have to put up with this OP. Go to Al-Anon and you'll meet many others in your situation.

if He’s exhausted he needs to have blood tests. However the drink is most likely making him feel exhausted.

is he depressed. If he’s unwilling to talk through his issues with professionals it might be best for him to have antidepressants

Be enraged with cafcass and the family courts. Not with me.

I am enraged to have to give it. It's not how it should be. Not at all. But it was utterly awful to realise how vulnerable I had left the children.

Thanks all. He's always been a big drinker, thought his dad was gods gift so the fact of how he died never really made him stop and think. Majority of the time he is a good dad, but he has this side where he has no patience for them, mainly when he isn't drinking. I think he is depressed, but how can you help someone who wint help himself?

I asked him again this morning would he consider counselling as a last ditch attempt and he said no so I think I know my answer.

Now it's just working out next steps, finding him somewhere to live, saving as much as possible and hopefully get through Christmas. My youngest gets 30 hours in April so hoping that will help financially too. The car is in his name so I won't be saddled with that debt and there is a chance I can get a better paying job in January (although longer hours) it will mean I would 100% be able to support myself and the children solely.

Please leave him, your children will not thank you for staying. You cannot curb his drinking he is an alcoholic albeit functioning. If you do not end this now the only memories your children will have is of dad being drunk being dragged to pubs and sat in gardens.
I was the child that had to endure my mum wanting to keep the “family” together. We all suffered because of this. Many opportunities were blocked because of his drinking, holidays ruined as he would show up on the last night. Xmas days my memories are of him asleep drunk. She eventually divorced him when I was an adult. My father was always full of excuses people dying was the reason he drank blah blah blah.

Dont make the same mistake. For your children’s sake.

Talk to him again. From what you write the issue is alcohol, if he's ready to confront it, he could be a different person. Unfortunately those who are dependent on alcohol can't put anything before their cravings

The drinking never gets better, and they soon stop wanting the responsibility of looking after the children. Get out of this before it damages you and the children more than it has.

I left my 'semi' alcoholic ex husband when my DC was 2. It was a terribly difficult decision and I absolutely worried about his capacity to safely care for DC but I did my best to mitigate it. What I can say is it was 100% worth the pain at the time. Living with someone with that kind of drink problem is soul destroying.