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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to almost feeling like being forced?

34 replies

Kardelen · 07/10/2023 17:19

My husbands younger sibling just got married. He couldn’t afford celebration expenses so between me and my husband we contributed around 300 which was fine.
but now another sibling came up with the idea of contributing towards their honeymoon. Initially we said depends how much, but now they’re saying it’s getting expensive 500/600+. They want to split equally but I am currently on mat leave. so we said maximum between my husband and I we would contribute 150. But they are not very happy as they want to gift it and think we are being stingy.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/10/2023 17:27

So let them be unhappy and think you’re stingy. Does it matter if they do?

Tinkerbyebye · 07/10/2023 17:28

You give what you can afford. They either accept with grace or not. If the latter then I would not go out if my way to help them in anything else

echinaceadreams · 07/10/2023 17:29

Just give them the money separately why does a pot of money have to be joint with your siblings? Utterly bizarre.

Original poster
Kardelen · 07/10/2023 17:39

@echinaceadreams they want to split the honey moon cost basically so they can gift it to them

OP posts:
Daffidale · 07/10/2023 17:41

Younger sibling needs to live within their means frankly. DH and I didn’t have a honeymoon as we couldn’t afford it at the time. Gifting it is a lovely idea but you shouldn’t be forced to contribute more than you can afford. Either sibling getting married plans a more modest honeymoon, or sibling who wants to pay for it ponies up more

Changethetoner · 07/10/2023 17:42

If they are struggling to afford the wedding, I'm sure they're not expecting to go on a fancy honeymoon, are they?

You've been generous already. The couple can save up for their own honeymoon/holiday.

mbosnz · 07/10/2023 17:48

Erm, I'm coming up to my 29th wedding anniversary, and have yet to have a honeymoon. Because we couldn't afford it after we paid for our wedding. They can have a honeymoon when they can pay for it. It's all part of being grown ups.

BridgetJonesAsFuck · 07/10/2023 17:48

If they can't afford a honeymoon they don't go on honeymoon. Hate shit like this and if I'm honest I hate fucking wedding lists too.

People are spending a fortune to attend your special day. Outfits, a gift, transport, overpriced drinks and probably childcare. Buy that pair of Dunelm curtains yourselves you cheeky bastards!

PonyPatter44 · 07/10/2023 18:02

Tell the other sibling to stop being ridiculous. You have given what you can afford, which is plenty.

Original poster
Kardelen · 07/10/2023 18:09

@mbosnz Same with us. We couldn’t afford to have a honeymoon when we got married so we didn’t. And when we could I booked, but lost our money due to covid outbreak.
Now kids came along, so can’t afford a holiday at this minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 07/10/2023 18:11

@BridgetJonesAsFuck can’t agree more

OP posts:
Letitgonowgr · 07/10/2023 18:14

Kardelen · 07/10/2023 18:09

@mbosnz Same with us. We couldn’t afford to have a honeymoon when we got married so we didn’t. And when we could I booked, but lost our money due to covid outbreak.
Now kids came along, so can’t afford a holiday at this minute.

Wow and you gave them £300! That’s amazingly generous already so no way, I wouldn’t be giving £150! Just tell them you can’t afford it!!

Mariposista · 07/10/2023 18:15

If they can't afford it, you don't get it.
Not married is but when the time comes for that we won't be accepting a penny from anyone. What we can't pay, we won't have.

muddyford · 07/10/2023 18:15

We paid for our own wedding and our own honeymoon. If you can't afford it don't have it. Save up and have it then. You have been more than generous, imo.

DinnaeFashYersel · 07/10/2023 18:17

Have they forgotten you haven't had a honeymoon of your own.

Stand your ground.

echinaceadreams · 07/10/2023 18:37

Kardelen · 07/10/2023 17:39

@echinaceadreams they want to split the honey moon cost basically so they can gift it to them

Well fine. But they can gift half the honeymoon cost and you can gift 1/4 of the cost or whatever it is. That's what people do. Other people will also give money expecting it to go towards the honeymoon or saucepans or something.

If they really want to gift something they can offer to pay for the cake.

echinaceadreams · 07/10/2023 18:37

Mariposista · 07/10/2023 18:15

If they can't afford it, you don't get it.
Not married is but when the time comes for that we won't be accepting a penny from anyone. What we can't pay, we won't have.

Why? It will give your guests joy to give you a gift!

Mariposista · 07/10/2023 18:39

echinaceadreams · 07/10/2023 18:37

Why? It will give your guests joy to give you a gift!

Show quote history

a gift is fine (if they want to - if they can't afford it their presence alone is enough). But no way would I allow my family to be paying for my wedding, not DP's.

ArtAndMusic · 07/10/2023 18:47

Just say no. You've given them a wedding gift and now they need to pay for their own lives. If they're struggling for money, they need to do without the holiday, If this other sibling wants to keep paying for things, that's up to them.

BiddyPop · 07/10/2023 19:31

We paid what we could afford for our wedding and had an incredibly frugal honeymoon to not get into debt.

I have noticed younger siblings having more splashy weddings (but most had saved hard to afford and did lots themselves), and bigger longer honeymoons - but either had a lot more help from DPs (as there was more available) or stayed renting rather than buying house (or both).

BiddyPop · 07/10/2023 19:32

My point is you only contribute what you can afford and make it clear to others that as you already contributed to wedding, you have exhausted your reserves.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/10/2023 19:36

I think this is a good moment to remind them that you didn't have a honeymoon because you couldn't afford it. You've already been more than generous. These people need to learn to live within their means. They sound very entitled.

Original poster
Kardelen · 07/10/2023 19:37

@BiddyPop
i actually felt pressured to say an amount more than I could afford. I would say about 20-30£ more than what I could.
but no point of mentioning that I can’t anymore right for 20-30?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 07/10/2023 19:38

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine my husband did mention it, but I wasn’t acknowledged. Sort of argued how it is a gift and made me feel bad. So We will be contributing a little less than what they are and they will cover our bit. But on the other side they may say They paid more

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/10/2023 19:49

"I'll contribute to their honeymoon once I manage to afford my own first". The end.