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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or could he take my children from me

32 replies

Brabraboo · 07/10/2023 16:28

Looking to ask any people of a legal background (in scotland specifically as I know there’s vast differences within the U.K.)

My other half (important to note, we are not married. This was and is my choice and it’s quite important to me. I do not want to be married but I believe in scotland this means I am entitled to nothing if I leave, and I’m ok with that) is the main breadwinner in our house. He also owns our house. And our car. Everything is in his name. I have always worked, but I contribute the daily things. I do all the grocery shopping, buy everyone’s clothes , all the toys and the fun stuff. I also am the primary childcare for three children who are not yet of school age so I do have to juggle working and I don’t earn anything like what he does. My earnings are a decent contribution we can’t do without, but they aren’t substantial enough to actually provide any stability.

my question is part curiosity and part feeling a bit vulnerable I suppose. I’m sure people will think I’m naive and silly to have allowed everything in his name but to be honest, I had a very rough upbringing, was a care kid and trashed my credit record years ago. His is immaculate (far nicer childhood) he has a better job, he earns a good salary and I don’t feel entitled to anything that is his. Although I appreciate that he couldn’t have done this without me raising his children, we have never had to pay childcare because I’ve provided all of it.

I suppose what I want to know. Is IF we were to split at any point. Could he take my children from me, legally, because he is the one with the solid circumstance . I’m the mother, but he has the house, car, income, all the stability. I would have absolutely nothing. What would happen in this hypothetical situation? His family are wealthy and he has a lot of stability to fall back on. I have nothing but the fact I am their mother.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/10/2023 16:29

I would post in legal or at least put Scottish Law in the title and post on chat.

UsernamenotavailableBob · 07/10/2023 16:30

If you have joint PR theoretically yes, realistically not without a significant legal battle.

KezzaMucklowe · 07/10/2023 16:32

Well technically if they're his children too he could have them 50 : 50.
It sounds like you do need something to fall back on if you do split.
Could you afford a flat /house and bills by yourself?

Original poster

Brabraboo · 07/10/2023 16:35

No. I could not. I don’t claim any benefits or anything so it’s just my own income I would have and it’s nowhere near enough to do that.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 07/10/2023 16:38

It you can't suitably care for the dc, then if course they would stay with their other parent until you were set up.

I'm unmarried by choice, but I think being unmarried in your situation is sheer madness. Can't you just go and get married, you don't have to have a party or tell anyone. View it as a legal arrangement.

I think there's something weird and worrying about big items not being jointly owned. We bought a house based only on my income, as do wasn't earning at the time, but it is still jointly owned. There's no real good reason not to do this.

Original poster

Brabraboo · 07/10/2023 16:42

Thank you. I’ve always been ok with it to be honest, but suddenly I feel like if this could be something that made me vulnerable with regards to custody of my children if something happened… I feel differently.

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 07/10/2023 16:44

I definitely think you need a rethink. Currently if you were to separate tomorrow he could totally legally kick you out of yours and your children's home and there’s nothing you could do about it. If he then chose to go for full or majority custody, you’re going to have a difficult time fighting back without a place for your children to live.

LeavesOnTrees · 07/10/2023 16:46

No legal advice but you need to look after yourself financially.
If you don't feel you deserve it do it for your children..

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 07/10/2023 16:51

Unless he has safeguarding concerns he is unlikely to stop any access. So no you wouldn't lose custody.
But many courts now are favouring 50/50 and shared lived with.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/10/2023 16:53

So he sinks his cash into investments for him. And you sink your cash into consumables for the family. This is not a fair set up. I don't know about the kids (I would like to think there was support to keep children with their primary caregiver however). I do think you need to be married or come up with a different financial arrangement that is fair to everyone

Coyoacan · 07/10/2023 16:56

Well you'd be entitled to child maintenance and the fact that you are their primary carer is a major point in your favour.

CoffeeBean5 · 07/10/2023 16:57

It's fine not to be married but it's risky not being named on the mortgage. He's getting a good deal. He pays for the house and car but you have to fund everything else and have zero claim on the house.

I don’t feel entitled to anything that is his you gave him 3 children. Why don't you feel entitled to anything?

HowIsItOctoberAlready · 07/10/2023 16:58

My earnings are a decent contribution we can’t do without

OP please read this again, and then ask yourself how is it fair that you don't own any part of your home or other big purchases?

In your "partnership" why is your cash shared but your assets are not?

You need to get married ASAP to protect yourself and your children.

OliveWah · 07/10/2023 17:00

If you split he would need to pay child maintenance and you would probably be entitled to some Universal Credit - there are online calculators you can use to find out how much.

WillowCraft · 07/10/2023 17:00

This situation isn't fair. If you're doing all the childcare he should give you some money to compensate for that, which you can save for yourself. If you're not married you need to be really careful things are financially fair and that you don't compromise your earning potential.
If you split you ca. probably claim benefits and get a council house though, I don't think they will remove children from their primary carer unless there really isn't anyway you can care for them, dad having more money isn't relevant.

ditalini · 07/10/2023 17:04

You don't need to get married. Hetrosexual couples can have a civil partnership now. Registrar's office, sign the form, job done.

However, I don't think this is really the issue is it? You don't feel "entitled" - this sounds far more like it's down to your upbringing, that you don't think you're "as good", or "deserving" which is all bollocks but not something that can be resolved by a certificate.

Is it likely that you'll split do you think? Is the relationship abusive?

jolaylasofia · 07/10/2023 17:08

GET MARRIED! Protect yourself and all your hard work.

newamsterdam · 07/10/2023 17:10

yes, if you left him and had no house, no car, no money, and could not adequately house and care for your children, he absolutely could get residency of them.

ditalini · 07/10/2023 17:20

newamsterdam · 07/10/2023 17:10

yes, if you left him and had no house, no car, no money, and could not adequately house and care for your children, he absolutely could get residency of them.

To be clear though, adequately house and care for the children is a fairly low bar - no one is going to rule that the children have to live with him full time because he has the bigger/nicer house and a car and a rich family. Op would be entitled to maintenance from him and UC.

newamsterdam · 07/10/2023 17:23

ditalini · 07/10/2023 17:20

Show quote history

If he had the family home and plenty of money, and all she could afford was a one bed on UC, it would likely be ruled that they live with him. And then she would not be entitled to any maintenance at all.

Butterfly898 · 07/10/2023 17:34

I understand you have chosen not to be married, I have chosen the same at the moment but am a significantly higher earner than my partner. You have given so much to this partnership and saved him thousands on childcare whilst enabling him to grow his career (a fact that is not true in my situation as I’m paying for it all) - I truly think you should marry to protect yourself here.

Cowlover89 · 07/10/2023 17:36

You don't need to get married

AnotherNameNow · 07/10/2023 17:44

Why don't you feel entitled to the house that you've worked hard to pay for? It's 'his' but you pay for groceries etc. Why not spin it around: if you didn't pay for groceries and provide all the childcare, would his income still be enough for the mortgage?

I think you have left yourself and your children extremely vulnerable. Do you feel you deserve stability? You have earned it, you have paid into it, your name should be on the deeds.

I think you have a lot to unpick

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2023 17:52

I'd say you have two choices;

1-increase your earnings to the point where you could afford adequate housing for yourself and your DC. Only you know if and how you can do this.

2-marry the man and 'stick with it' long enough to have legal rights to a 50% share of joint assets. Where I live (US), that's generally a 10 year marriage, it's 5 in some states. But also where I live, assets acquired prior to a marriage and held as separate property are NOT considered joint assets.

Your best bet is to quietly see a solicitor, lay out your circumstances and get proper advice. Then act accordingly to protect yourself.

Original poster

Brabraboo · 07/10/2023 22:38

What is the process for this? I don’t even really know. Can I be put down on the house deeds without becoming a part of the mortgage borrowing? My credit rating isn’t like his. I feel like I would drag us down by being on it.

OP posts:

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