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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to an LGBT conference when questioning?

28 replies

Zerp · 07/10/2023 13:21

Work are hosting an LGBT conference for their Global staff in Madrid. All paid for. 5* Hotel and 2 days off work.

Most people going are Lesbian and Gay and in relationships with same sex partners. I am married to a man and my religion prohibits me from ever doing anything with someone of my gender. I have been questioning if I am bisexual as sometimes I feel a sort of attraction to women, but it’s not something I have ever acted on or will.

The criteria for going is if you self identify as LGBT. No one knows if I am actually Bi or not.

If you were me, would you go?

OP posts:
TheOutlaws · 07/10/2023 13:24

Sorry OP but the way you’ve set it out makes it look like you want to go because it sounds like a nice free jolly Grin

TheOutlaws · 07/10/2023 13:24

But you’re also proving an important point, which is: what kind of test do you have to pass to identify as anything?

Floppyelf · 07/10/2023 13:26

Even if at the end of your journey you discover you were curious but straight, I’d still go!

SirenSays · 07/10/2023 13:29

I think intention matters here. Would you go for the LGBT content because youre genuinely questioning, or for a break in a nice hotel?

PermanentTemporary · 07/10/2023 13:30

I think you are qualified to go if you want but what is the conference for? Perhaps at your stage it might be better to go to an event designed specifically for people who are exploring their sexuality, or maybe some therapy? Tbh it sounds as if you would be at a professional conference for people facing potential prejudice, whereas for you at the moment it is more personal and internal.

theduchessofspork · 07/10/2023 13:30

Sounds like a fun jolly… but I am not sure a work conference is the place to discover your sexuality, nor how your husband would feel about it. So no, I’d keep your exploration to out of work hours.

BandicootCrash · 07/10/2023 13:31

Your work are ridiculous for putting on some luxury jolly for a random group of colleagues.

But if you want to go, I'd identify as non-binary rather than bi. Just wear a pair of trousers. Far fewer questions asked.

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/10/2023 13:32

What do you feel you might gain from the conference that you wouldn't get from more local groups/reading about or watching videos about sexuality?

If you are never going to act on whatever you decide, would it be enough to do some research and then decide for yourself and just live your life?

x2boys · 07/10/2023 13:34

Would it be outing for you and would you be comfortable with that ?

Justwrong68 · 07/10/2023 13:35

I think you're answering your own question. You're bi curious but curbed by religion so you feel a bit at sea. In the 80s, despite it being called LGB, there was no way you could say you were bi (it was considered creepy, pervy and for some, non existent) I pretended I was a lesbian. I'd definitely explore if I were you.

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/10/2023 13:36

BandicootCrash · 07/10/2023 13:31

Your work are ridiculous for putting on some luxury jolly for a random group of colleagues.

But if you want to go, I'd identify as non-binary rather than bi. Just wear a pair of trousers. Far fewer questions asked.

How is non-binary rather than bi a better option for OP? Asides from the fact that one is about gender and one is a sexuality.

I'd reckon non-binary would get more questions as it's not as understood by a lot of people. So they may ask questions about how OP deals with being viewed as a woman/man when they identify as neither...which OP is not going to be able to answer.

FizzyWizard · 07/10/2023 13:36

Presumably your colleagues know you're married to a man and follow a conservative religion. In which case go if you want, but be prepared to be the subject of office gossip forever.

BandicootCrash · 07/10/2023 13:39

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/10/2023 13:36

How is non-binary rather than bi a better option for OP? Asides from the fact that one is about gender and one is a sexuality.

I'd reckon non-binary would get more questions as it's not as understood by a lot of people. So they may ask questions about how OP deals with being viewed as a woman/man when they identify as neither...which OP is not going to be able to answer.

Show quote history

Because being non-binary is cometely compatible with being happily married to a man, and there's likely to be less religious disapproval.

(Of course I know that you can be bi and also happily married to a man. But if you come out as bi for the first time after several years of marriage, that's definitely going to raise questions.)

Jk987 · 07/10/2023 13:40

I'd go. It sounds like you've been suppressed by your religion and possibly your family. God definitely won't mind what sexuality you are. This could be the start of a new life.

FlutterShite · 07/10/2023 13:43

If you'd still want to go to the same conference, but held in Scunthorpe at a Travelodge, with stingy expenses, then yes, go.

Jk987 · 07/10/2023 13:44

FizzyWizard · 07/10/2023 13:36

Presumably your colleagues know you're married to a man and follow a conservative religion. In which case go if you want, but be prepared to be the subject of office gossip forever.

Or be prepared to make some supportive people who won't judge!
Forget the religion side of it.

x2boys · 07/10/2023 13:44

Jk987 · 07/10/2023 13:40

I'd go. It sounds like you've been suppressed by your religion and possibly your family. God definitely won't mind what sexuality you are. This could be the start of a new life.

God if there is one won't but her husband might
Maybe she should concentrate on that first?

x2boys · 07/10/2023 13:46

Jk987 · 07/10/2023 13:44

Or be prepared to make some supportive people who won't judge!
Forget the religion side of it.

Show quote history

She's married though its not really fair on her husband .

SunnieShine · 07/10/2023 13:54

You are just after a free holiday.

Original poster
Zerp · 07/10/2023 14:12

No if it was in the UK I wouldn’t go
I want to see a new city

OP posts:
minipie · 07/10/2023 14:18

I think it would be taking the piss a bit to go - at least your colleagues who know you are hetero married would likely see it that way. And would be difficult to explain to your husband.

However, it does raise the question of why other staff who aren’t in the special LGBT bracket don’t get a similar jolly.

HikingforScenery · 07/10/2023 14:22

Does your employer organise similar for the other protected characteristics? I’ve never seen a safe space on this level so I’m curious. The most i’ve seen are staff networks who meet via Teams.

TheSandgroper · 07/10/2023 14:52

I would go just to find out what I need to fight on another day but I am the bolshy sort. However, I’m fairly sure I would be ducking out to get my coffee, lunch and dinner somewhere else to get some clear air.

YukoandHiro · 07/10/2023 14:55

Zerp · 07/10/2023 14:12

No if it was in the UK I wouldn’t go
I want to see a new city

Then no, don't go.

Greengagesnfennel · 07/10/2023 14:59

You are married to a man. Of course you can't go.