To find it wildly annoying that touching my own hair is considered flirting

[cremona]

Had this a couple of time recently, once where I was absent-mindedly winding hair around my finger and the person I was talking to clearly took it as a sign I was being coyly flirtatious. Once when I was tucking hair behind my ear while talking to a male friend and his wife flashed me a look like I was coming onto him.

AIBU to think it’s completely normal to push back/fiddle with your own hair occasionally, particularly if it’s long? I’m not even conscious I’m doing it until I see the other person react. Why has this got framed as a flirtatious thing? Tbh in both cases I wanted to be like ‘don’t flatter yourself’.

Very annoying. I do it as a stim (autistic).

The learned Desmond Morris says it is flirting.

Meh

It's definitely something people do when flirting.
It doesn't mean you are flirting if you do it.
Annoyingly it gets misconstrued.

Well I spend a lot time unintentionally flirting then! Twisting my hair is one of the many habits I have along with rubbing my thumb and finger together to keep me calm.

Yep, this is it.

I touch my hair a lot too.

I have lots of hair & it's long, I do fiddle with it. It's context though isn't it? If i'm throwing it over one side or curling it around my fingers whilst talking to a man it may look flirtatious. If I'm pulling it across my upper lip like a moustache less so.

Now I'm wondering if anyone has been thinking I'm flirting with them if I anxiously push my hair out of my face... Anyone who fails to read the rest of the context and thinks hair-touching is automatic proof of attraction is only fooling themselves, but I can see why that would be annoying.

Nah of course it's not flirting. I have a woman friend who does it when she is a bit nervous , chews the end of her pigtail sometimes. Often when she thinks nobody is looking.

The second example is inconclusive - you took her look to mean that she took you tucking your hair back as flirting. That's as much of a leap as other people thinking touching your hair is flirting.

The issue is that it can be flirting, so it can be misinterpreted as that. Often it's either a habit and/or insecurity/self-consciousness, like all the girls on Love Island constantly flicking their extensions and stroking their locks, which is sometimes flirty and sometimes not. It's a grey area so agree it's annoying if misconstrued but also understandable just set them straight, then they know. It is a bit of a tricky one - you're also at liberty to absently stroke your lips or cleavage and not be flirting but it's not wrong for other to think it might be.

Fiddling with and flicking hair is revolting, can't see how it counts as flirting.

Remember when wiping the condensation off your glass was flirting? Or peeling the label off your bottle of drink meant you were sexually frustrated?

How do you set them straight though when nothing’s overtly been said? I guess I could interject ‘I’m not flirting by the way, this is just something I do’ into the conversation when I see their reaction, but it would make things pretty awkward.

I take your point that me interpreting his wife’s look could theoretically also be a mistaken assumption. There’s surrounding context that makes me sure I wasn’t mistaken, but I’d rather not give it here as it’s too outing.

If i'm throwing it over one side or curling it around my fingers whilst talking to a man it may look flirtatious.

I’ve done both of those things when talking to both men and women, and in none of the situations was it intended as flirtatious. I sort of get why people might read it that way if they are getting other signals from you also, but it’s the assumption that hair-touching in and of itself signals flirtation even when nothing else does that I find frustrating.

Mine is long and a bit tangly. I touch my hair to smooth it down and put it back in place. Desmond Morris is talking bollocks.

I thought it was a sign of nervousness if you do this while talking to people. One of my friends always does this. I wouldn't give it a second thought even if I noticed someone did this.

How do I set them straight?

I fail to see how this is such a dilemma?

This is how flirting works- if a man thinks you might be flirting, he’ll either try to flirt back or shut you down by not responding to it.
You do the same. Don’t flirt back, continue your conversation.

It does sounds as though you fiddle a lot with your hair.

Tossing it all over to one side when someone is talking to you is quite distracting and possibly irritating!

In the same way that any fiddling about with yourself when you’re trying to interact with someone is - Eg- adjusting clothes, scratching, rubbing your foot against your leg, twisting the hem of your top, and so on.

With you it might be subconscious- possibly a nervous habit because you’re anxious about how other perceive you.

Men tend to think you’re flirting whatever you do. Dh has a rather vain friend in his 60s who thinks the receptionist at his gym is flirting because she smiles when he comes in. Dh told him she’s a receptionist and therefore smiles at every gym member.

I must flirt all the time then! I'm constantly pissing about with my hair, twirling it round my fingers

I think it’s perhaps a habit you can break.

I remember doing a mock interview in sixth form in preparation for job/ university interviews and I got pulled up on the fact that I was twisting my hair as I was talking. In that sort of situation it’s just unprofessional and distracting and reflects quite badly on you.

It can come across that you’re thinking about your appearance more than the conversation, could be flirting or could be a sign that you’re nervous and uncomfortable and “self soothing” in an almost childish way.

It depends on the situation of course but you can be mindful of what your hands are doing when engaging with someone.

Pushing your hair out of your eyes or holding it back in the wind is of course different to just fiddling absentmindedly with it.

Body pointing is a more sure sign. Check your torso and toes.
Mind you, in the steam room at my gym the blokes like to man-splay as a more direct approach 🤨

😆
Was this ever a 'smack the pony' sketch- if not it should have been!

😂yuck. In the gym some men seem to revert back to the start of evolution!

I think body language is quite fascinating.

Regardless of what’s coming out of your mouth, so much is communicated by how you’re holding yourself- what you’re doing with your body- and people are constantly “reading” your body language and the signals you’re giving off.

I had this a bit the other day 😄I was talking to a male friend who I don't like in that way and started doing this not realizing, then I saw him noticing. I had to stop in case he got any ideas 😂

Re flicking your hair over…
Queen Charlie Dimmock can do no wrong on Garden Rescue imo except when she’s flicking her hair over constantly when explaining why plant x is such a good choice.