Thinking that I cause my own demise?

Cheeseoncake · 2023-10-07T06:55:43+00:00

Had prenatal and postnatal anxiety 7 years ago. Took me a good 2 years to recover. Had some blips. Then had BIG blip while pregnant with my second, but felt increasingly better since her birth and was basically back to my old self for 2 1/2 years. Was so so so happy. To the point that I decided to slowly reduce the sertraline I was taking. And eventually stop. I did. And two months later I was back in the throes of pure o and extreme anxiety. Back on the sertraline now and SERIOUSLY beating myself up. I was so well, and ruined it for myself and my family. I can’t stop beating myself up for causing my own suffering. And not knowing whether I’ll ever get back to happy as I was again. Really don’t know how to move on. DH says it’s about having a different attitude. But I think if you haven’t experienced mental health struggle it’s really hard to understand what a very special kind of hell it is. And I put myself back in it.

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2023 07:58

Can I ask why you wanted to come off the medication ? My DH has been told to take it for life.

off · 07/10/2023 07:58

It sounds perfectly reasonable and rational to me, a trial period off the medication to check whether it's still needed or not.

How long have you been back on it?

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:00

Decided to come off cause I’d been well for over two years. Wish I had been told not to to be honest!!!!

OP posts:

Saschka · 07/10/2023 08:01

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2023 07:58

Can I ask why you wanted to come off the medication ? My DH has been told to take it for life.

Usual advice is a 6-12 month course and then try to come off. Not everyone will need it for life, especially if it is pre-natal/post-natal.

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:02

off · 07/10/2023 07:58

It sounds perfectly reasonable and rational to me, a trial period off the medication to check whether it's still needed or not.

How long have you been back on it?

6 weeks. Seeing improvements but PureO is a bitch and recovery is about other things than just meds. I’m back in therapy too. I’m scared that what really helped me move on what having my daughter. And now I’m going to be stuck with it.

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MidnightOnceMore · 07/10/2023 08:05

You've learnt something really important, and you've responded. No one could know how you would respond.

You came off your medication with medical support.

Is it possible you're struggling to process the prospect that the anxiety may be a long term thing? I feel the anger you're showing towards yourself is unfair.

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:07

MidnightOnceMore · 07/10/2023 08:05

You've learnt something really important, and you've responded. No one could know how you would respond.

You came off your medication with medical support.

Is it possible you're struggling to process the prospect that the anxiety may be a long term thing? I feel the anger you're showing towards yourself is unfair.

You make a good point. A lot of what made me happy for those 2 1/2 years was the feeling that I was done with it. That I was - apologies about the choice of wording, but I’d rather be honest - “normal”, like everyone else.

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off · 07/10/2023 08:18

It really is a bitch; I've got close family members with OCD with aspects of Pure O and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It's a good sign that you're starting to see some improvements already, and you're only six weeks in on the restarted meds and presumably similarly early on with the restarted therapy sessions. You'll be going back into this pre-warned and pre-armed with a whole load of experience and strategies from your earlier therapy, plus the help from a drug you already know suits you getting established and settled in your system. As you decided to stop taking it because you felt well and wanted to try without it, rather than stopping because it wasn't working for you any more, I'd be optimistic that it can still be an effective medication for you.

But I really feel you on that fear, that this time will be the time it won't get better, this is forever, and that kind of thinking. I get this too, and I think maybe it's actually some kind of inability to truly, viscerally, realistically imagine one's own mind operating on different principles to the ones it's operating on right now. When I'm well, I feel as though maybe my ill periods weren't truly as bad as I thought they were and that I had allowed myself to feel and act that way, chosen to be lazy/cowardly/pessimistic etc. Whereas when I'm unwell, I feel as though there's no way I will ever feel okay in the future, that my well periods were a kind of self-deception, that this is me forever now. But both of those ways of thinking are wrong, and just come from my inability to truly simulate a different version of my mind inside my own mind. Maybe you're experiencing a similar thing.

Devilsmommy · 07/10/2023 08:21

@off that's really insightful, could not have articulated that any better

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:22

off · 07/10/2023 08:18

It really is a bitch; I've got close family members with OCD with aspects of Pure O and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It's a good sign that you're starting to see some improvements already, and you're only six weeks in on the restarted meds and presumably similarly early on with the restarted therapy sessions. You'll be going back into this pre-warned and pre-armed with a whole load of experience and strategies from your earlier therapy, plus the help from a drug you already know suits you getting established and settled in your system. As you decided to stop taking it because you felt well and wanted to try without it, rather than stopping because it wasn't working for you any more, I'd be optimistic that it can still be an effective medication for you.

But I really feel you on that fear, that this time will be the time it won't get better, this is forever, and that kind of thinking. I get this too, and I think maybe it's actually some kind of inability to truly, viscerally, realistically imagine one's own mind operating on different principles to the ones it's operating on right now. When I'm well, I feel as though maybe my ill periods weren't truly as bad as I thought they were and that I had allowed myself to feel and act that way, chosen to be lazy/cowardly/pessimistic etc. Whereas when I'm unwell, I feel as though there's no way I will ever feel okay in the future, that my well periods were a kind of self-deception, that this is me forever now. But both of those ways of thinking are wrong, and just come from my inability to truly simulate a different version of my mind inside my own mind. Maybe you're experiencing a similar thing.

Thank you so much for taking the time and for your kind and wise words.

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ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/10/2023 08:35

Would you be blaming yourself if you'd relapsed with chron's disease or MS? You're ill, it's not your fault. Please stop being so unfair to yourself, you wouldn't do it if it was someone else. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:38

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/10/2023 08:35

Would you be blaming yourself if you'd relapsed with chron's disease or MS? You're ill, it's not your fault. Please stop being so unfair to yourself, you wouldn't do it if it was someone else. I hope you're feeling better soon.

True. Perhaps what I’m really struggling to accept is that I am actually ill. for life.

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MidnightOnceMore · 07/10/2023 08:46

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:07

You make a good point. A lot of what made me happy for those 2 1/2 years was the feeling that I was done with it. That I was - apologies about the choice of wording, but I’d rather be honest - “normal”, like everyone else.

Show quote history

You are normal

Anxiety is not who you are, it is a condition you have. You may recover or you may not.

A person with cancer is normal, a person with anxiety is normal.

Are you perhaps grieving for yourself before anxiety and the future you you had envisioned? Counselling or a support group might help.

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:49

MidnightOnceMore · 07/10/2023 08:46

You are normal

Anxiety is not who you are, it is a condition you have. You may recover or you may not.

A person with cancer is normal, a person with anxiety is normal.

Are you perhaps grieving for yourself before anxiety and the future you you had envisioned? Counselling or a support group might help.

Show quote history

It just felt so good not to be suffering. To enjoy my life. To have enthusiasm and happiness, as well as all the other less nice feelings, but knowing that they would come and go. Now it’s dread, and fear, and sadness, no space for anything else. It is a form of grief I guess.

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Stellaroses · 07/10/2023 08:51

I know exactly where you’re coming from. I had been “well” and unmedicated for 15 years! Until this May when I finally crashed and had to go on Sertraline. I was beating myself up and feeling so disappointed in myself. But now I’m feeling better I can let it go and just be glad those meds exist and work.
You didn’t cause this or ask for it, there was nothing you could’ve done. You may be on meds for life, or you may not, but really does it define you if you’re a functioning person and good parent because of it?

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:59

Stellaroses · 07/10/2023 08:51

I know exactly where you’re coming from. I had been “well” and unmedicated for 15 years! Until this May when I finally crashed and had to go on Sertraline. I was beating myself up and feeling so disappointed in myself. But now I’m feeling better I can let it go and just be glad those meds exist and work.
You didn’t cause this or ask for it, there was nothing you could’ve done. You may be on meds for life, or you may not, but really does it define you if you’re a functioning person and good parent because of it?

Im sorry I’ve had struggles with your mental health too. Wish I knew more people IRL with it. May make me feel less broken.

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off · 07/10/2023 09:05

Absolute best of luck to you with this — it's so bloody dispiriting to realise that It's Back, especially when you'd maybe allowed yourself to hope that you'd squashed it for good, and could just be normal (dunno about anyone else, but I have absolutely no problem with that language ), without having to worry about tablets or techniques or anything. I hope that getting it under control is a much quicker process this time… I know you said that there were huge life changes and circumstances that helped you get on top of things before and that things are different now, but hopefully the measures you're taking now might help you to find things about your present life that you can hold on to in the same way.

You sound kind of overwhelmed with the prospect of this potentially becoming a lifelong thing, and I really sympathise with how discouraging that can be. Having it come back when you stopped the meds, there's so much shitty complex stuff that must be bringing up for you… worry and dread and possible scenarios, on top of the symptoms themselves, but this isn't necessarily a lifelong thing. If it does happen that you turn out to have some ongoing susceptibility, that doesn't have to mean you're actually actively ill for life — it might mean taking medication sometimes, or working out what it is you need to stay well, being aware of stuff that can cause problems for you etc., so that you don't get ill again. Or it might be that you'll recover and never get ill again anyway. The uncertainty is really hard, but I suppose one certain thing is that you've overcome this before.

I know the optimism can be annoying, sorry But I'll just sit over here and be quietly optimistic for you, if that's okay.

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 09:08

off · 07/10/2023 09:05

Absolute best of luck to you with this — it's so bloody dispiriting to realise that It's Back, especially when you'd maybe allowed yourself to hope that you'd squashed it for good, and could just be normal (dunno about anyone else, but I have absolutely no problem with that language ), without having to worry about tablets or techniques or anything. I hope that getting it under control is a much quicker process this time… I know you said that there were huge life changes and circumstances that helped you get on top of things before and that things are different now, but hopefully the measures you're taking now might help you to find things about your present life that you can hold on to in the same way.

You sound kind of overwhelmed with the prospect of this potentially becoming a lifelong thing, and I really sympathise with how discouraging that can be. Having it come back when you stopped the meds, there's so much shitty complex stuff that must be bringing up for you… worry and dread and possible scenarios, on top of the symptoms themselves, but this isn't necessarily a lifelong thing. If it does happen that you turn out to have some ongoing susceptibility, that doesn't have to mean you're actually actively ill for life — it might mean taking medication sometimes, or working out what it is you need to stay well, being aware of stuff that can cause problems for you etc., so that you don't get ill again. Or it might be that you'll recover and never get ill again anyway. The uncertainty is really hard, but I suppose one certain thing is that you've overcome this before.

I know the optimism can be annoying, sorry But I'll just sit over here and be quietly optimistic for you, if that's okay.

It’s not annoying at all!!! I hope you know how grateful I am for your words. Patience is not my forte and of course tolerating doubt is the core problem with PureO. But tolerate I shall 😂

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greyhairnomore · 07/10/2023 09:08

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 08:00

Decided to come off cause I’d been well for over two years. Wish I had been told not to to be honest!!!!

But you'd been well because you were on your medication?
Nothing wrong with that.

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 09:08

How anyone can live with doubt I’ll never understand. Joking. Kinda.

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Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 09:14

greyhairnomore · 07/10/2023 09:08

But you'd been well because you were on your medication?
Nothing wrong with that.

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I never thought there was anything wrong with being on meds. But after 2 1/2 years I thought, that’s it, I’ve made it. And as I taper down (was on a high dose so I did it VERY slowly) I kept feeling well, which in my mind confirmed I was done. Well… I wasn’t 😅

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off · 07/10/2023 09:15

I hate not knowing if I'll ever learn to tolerate uncertainty

Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 09:16

off · 07/10/2023 09:15

I hate not knowing if I'll ever learn to tolerate uncertainty

F*k uncertainty

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Original poster

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 09:16

F*k uncertainty

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Totally overrated in my opinion 🙃

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off · 07/10/2023 09:17

Cheeseoncake · 07/10/2023 09:16

F*k uncertainty

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👏👏👏