Thinking that I cause my own demise?

[Cheeseoncake]

Had prenatal and postnatal anxiety 7 years ago. Took me a good 2 years to recover. Had some blips. Then had BIG blip while pregnant with my second, but felt increasingly better since her birth and was basically back to my old self for 2 1/2 years. Was so so so happy. To the point that I decided to slowly reduce the sertraline I was taking. And eventually stop. I did. And two months later I was back in the throes of pure o and extreme anxiety. Back on the sertraline now and SERIOUSLY beating myself up. I was so well, and ruined it for myself and my family. I can’t stop beating myself up for causing my own suffering. And not knowing whether I’ll ever get back to happy as I was again. Really don’t know how to move on. DH says it’s about having a different attitude. But I think if you haven’t experienced mental health struggle it’s really hard to understand what a very special kind of hell it is. And I put myself back in it.

I was on citalopram after baby 2 for 6 years, well for the last 3 of it so decided to come off it. Anxiety relapsed after 9-12 months and back on it in Jan 23. Came off it in June as was well. Lasted 3 months and the old anxiety is back. I restarted meds yesterday.
I think I’ve realised that my brain chemistry is one that needs more dopamine circulating to help me feel normal. Maybe this is me for life and I need to accept that.

I think we just need to treat anxiety like raised blood pressure and accept it like any other life long illness.
sucks though…. Big hug x

Sounds very similar! I also find i get such increased anxiety starting meds again, it really is hard knowing you have to add to your own suffering for longer term gain. Keeping everything crossed for you.

It’s hard isn’t it? I’m on sertraline and Pregabalin (the thing that finally broke me was second pregnancy) and I don’t like the idea ill be on them forever but my hormones now affect me really badly so that I can’t see it ending any time soon. I’m also fucking terrified menopause will make me lose my mind completely.

like you I want to feel “normal” and this is abnormal. I don’t like feeling like I’m ill. I’m not. But I need the help to be able to live a life and function. It’s hard to marry the two things.

Can I ask - are you honest with people around you about it?

To be honest with you, if somebody had told me, you need to be on them for life, I’d have been fine about it. If they are needed to stay well, so be it. It’s that you get told you should try to wean off them after a year of recovery. I waited even longer just to be on the safe side. If I make it to the other side again, I’ll have no issue staying on them forever. They don’t affect my libido, they don’t make me numb or tired, I don’t even know I take them once they kick in. Just have to wait and see if they work again I guess. And I’m also terrified of menopause!!!!

This just shows how strong and brave you are. Many people would’ve been far too scared to try coming off the medication. You have, and you know the results. You don’t have to wonder and can feel good about continuing to take it.

There is a known dip in mood 6-8 weeks after stopping anti depressants. This then picks back up after 12 weeks. The doctors do not tell you this, I found out through research. If you can get through the dip you may find you don’t need the medication anymore. Having said that if you do need it then don’t be ashamed to keep taking it.

I wear glasses because I can’t see without them, be pretty fucking ridiculous of me to stop wearing them to see if my eyesight gets better without the help. It’s the same thing.

I agree with the timing of the dip, and I’ve also watched the panorama documentary about it recently. I think for me the issue is that Pure O takes a life of its own once it gets a trigger, so I clearly can’t afford to ride it out…

Excellent point.

A close friend of mine was put on statins years ago despite being very healthy, but had sky high genetic cholesterol.

She accepted it quickly for her future health.

I reminded her of this when she was very upset at being prescribed very necessary antidepressants due to a succession of terrible bereavements that had knocked her over and she simply wasn't coping.

Please show yourself the compassion I have no doubt you would gift a friend with.

I have Pure O and Chronic PTSD. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to stop the meds. I’ve had decades of being on and off the antidepressants, sometimes with good results, sometimes with bad. Keep at the anti depressants if they help you. They no longer help me, but I’ve recently acknowledged I probably have BPD so need something catered more for that as I just don’t feel anything and haven’t for a long time. With mental health it’s just trying to get through one minute at a time rather than putting too much pressure on yourself 💐

My therapist helped me loads, the one thing that stuck with me was, don't think about coming off medication, that will come in its own good time. It did but took longer than I initially thought it would, but once I just forgot about it and changed the goal from coming off medication to controlling my mh it was so much easier

I’m so sorry. There’s a lot more evidence that BPD is the result of complex trauma, I really hope that you get the right care. Sending love

I guess my mistake was “I’m coming off meds cause I’m 100% cured” vs “I’m coming off meds to see if I’m ready but I’ll make sure I look after myself and expect some symptoms may return”

You popped into my mind today Cheese (not sure why, probably some nonsensical associative thing) and I wondered how you were getting on — I guess it's probably a little early to expect the sertraline to have started helping, though I can't remember if you said how long you'd been taking it, but I hope that things are maybe starting to feel less overwhelming for you.