Would you home educate?

[ToHomeEdOrNotToHomeEd]

I'll try to keep history as brief as possible. I did name change because I thought it might be outing but I also know this is not exactly a unique situation... Junior school aged child, multiple highly specialised school placement failures, school refusal, very, very complex autism. I know autism isn't meant to be categorised in terms of severity but DC is extremely complex, high risk to self etc.

Has an EHCP (for what it's worth), currently out of education, no school has said it can meet need, we're desperately trying to resolve this.

I am a trained teacher and have worked in specialised autism services. I know I can provide him with a reasonable education; I know I can make him happier than any setting, but the cost (emotional and financial) is enormous.

Would you sacrifice your own wellbeing for your child and home educate? I am so worried about him. I already feel like I've failed him completely by letting him struggle in a school for so long.

YABU - don't martyr yourself, he needs to be in a setting.

YANBU - it's a sacrifice but it's your child’s wellbeing at serious risk.

It’s not at all ‘selfish’ to want to do paid work and keep earning / building pension.

I hate when people make it it’s just something that has to be done. I would lose my house if I don’t work. I also had disabilities, including MH and a heart condition that is stress related (and very nearly killed me this year). I don’t have the ability to give up work.

And yes I find my dd and caring for her stress and intense. That’s not her fault, but it pushes me right to the edge.

So if her only option is HE then we are both fucked, as one of us won’t survive it.

@YellowRosesWithRedTips but even if I don't put her in school I'd have to get the LA involved and if we decided we don't want what they offer we'd then be "on the radar" and have to do reports and deal with them poking around.

Is an EOTAS package going to be essentially 30 hours of childcare? Because that's when school is as well as education. If I have to still do a tonne of childcare then it still doesn't solve our major problem

@olderthanyouthink if you pursued EOTAS then later decided to return to EHE you would not have to have any more involvement from the LA than you do EHEing now.

Parents cannot be compelled to deliver, facilitate or organise an EOTAS package, even if that means the LA has to fund someone to do that. So, if by “essentially 30 hours of childcare” you mean you won’t have to facilitate the package then yes it can provide that.

"We tried a couple of alternative provision activities last week, that he normally enjoys but there was a tiny instruction element to them and the screaming, self injuring and traumatised toilet behaviours started. From less than 3 hours of lowish demand activities. I am worried the LA will insist on what they themselves have called "real learning"."

I'm sorry 😞 it staggering how hard some things can be for some kids. 2 hours of autism assessment put her in burn out for over a month. She couldn't have a tutor come in because pretty soon we'd be dealing with damage and she wouldn't be receptive

I home ed both of my autistic children for the reasons you state. My son is extremely complex and is likely to require life long care. I’ve been home educating them both for about 2 years now and I’m not going to lie it is so difficult. There are many times when I feel like just trying to get them back into school. However, I would never do it because they are without a doubt so much happier now. Their mental health has improved drastically. The only thing I would say is just really carefully consider if it’s something you can do for the long run. As once you remove a child from school it seems even the limited help/support you had completely disappears. It’s also really difficult to get them back into school as well. If I could go back I would remove my children from school again in a heartbeat but it is really tough.

I hate when people make it it’s just something that has to be done. I would lose my house if I don’t work.

But for some people it is. So they arrange their finances, work, family structure etc accordingly. Many could do that. You can't but that's you. But many can. For me there was no choice. My son had been assaulted and injured by a teacher in school and there were ominous mutterings around him having made threats to attack the school in some way and "further steps" might need to be taken - he was 7 and as it turned out it was an adults interpretation of a very simple and childish statement that actually related to trains! Made by a child with limited language. So at great personal cost to myself I home educated. No one is attacking you by saying they had no choice so it's just a bit silly to hate them saying it and take it personally.

OK, I am going to reframe and think about what he needs rather than what the LA will likely give. We have mediation in a couple of weeks then probably a tribunal (been here before). I will ask for expedited hearing.

I'll probably cancel next week's activities as well tbh, the reaction to it was ... extreme. It was also really obvious what the trigger was this time. When he was in school or in and out of school or the months recovering from school we couldn't identify "triggers" as we couldn't isolate them and his speech is severely delayed.

I agree that his needs are lower (although still high and intense) when he isn't actively in some kind of trauma reaction.

@SocialistSally I'm trying to work out how reply and struggling... DD was eventually housebound by the affects of nursery which is less time and intensity than school. Dropping a naked screaming child at school and leaving is... frowned upon. I'd probably get endless calls to go pick her up.

Unfortunately school is inherently damaging to some kids, not many but it happens. Some manage for a bit and some never do.

I'm not saying it's easy or affordable and I'm angry that it's like this.

@olderthanyouthink DS does the stripping clothes thing when demand is high too! Many nursery days I had to pick him up because they couldn't keep clothes on him.

She started with the stripping when distressed and it progressed to not being able to put in clothes, even when she was DESPERATE to because I needed to go out and she didn't want to leave my side. If she's in a bad place the clothes she can manage to wear become more limited, wearing a dress and shoes only to nursery/school is apparently not ok for safeguarding 🙃

It's so sad, she's so little and suffers so badly with it.

Have you thought about moving schools? That would be my first thought. Our DD has ASD, she was totally struggling in her first school but we managed to find DM alternative that suited her well.
We also considered home schooling, but like yourselves, it would have come at considerable cost to ourselves (both financially and emotionally).

No school has said they can meet his needs. I wish so much he could go to a school. I know we could technically try to go to tribunal to have a school named and forced to take him (we did this last time) but I don't want him to have another placement breakdown and we would have to physically pick him up and drive him into a school against his wishes, which I don't want to do and as he gets bigger is quite dangerous.

Don’t bother with mediation, just get the certificate and submit to SENDIST. LAs use mediation as a delaying tactic. If they are going to concede they will do so regardless of whether you actively partake in mediation or just get the certificate.

@olderthanyouthink my dd is traumatised from school. She was physically unable to leave the house. We are now in a place (after 6months) where she can sometimes go out.

I know about not physically being able to make a child go to school. And I don’t want that for her. But I also can’t HE, and it is suggested to me all the time. Like it’s a magic answer. And people use phrases like “reorganise your finances”, and put the focus on the child. My dd would be fine at home, and I’m not ideologically opposed to HE.

But I’ve realised I can’t do it. Not mentally, emotionally or financially. I cannot do a full time job (which already involves evenings and weekends) and then start educating a child that is already intensely attached to me.

She is so intensely attached to me, that it really impacts my MH. I’m not a natural mother as it is, I need time by myself and most of time I feel suffocated by her and her anxiety.

I genuinely wish I could be more like the parents that give up everything for their children.

I homeschooled my primary age son from p2-p7; autistic too.

I think I’m just fed up of people suggesting HE as if it’s a magic answer to everything.

I (literally not figuratively) nearly killed myself in lockdown because of the stress of educating, working, even just existing in such close confines with no break.

Like you - we’d reached a cross roads - seemed bat shit at time but he couldn’t go on like that. Nor could I, best move ever.

I have/am doing it. My autistic DS couldn't cope with nursery. I home educated him (and I worked) until he was 14 when he went to college. He is now doing T levels. My younger DD is currently home educated while I try and get her into a suitable secondary school.

@SocialistSally I do hear you. People have all sorts of situations. Being with my DC so much is exhausting in a way I could never have imagined before I had children and I have a DH who is an equal parent and so if it all gets too much I can leave him to it for an hour (and vice versa). Also, we will be significantly poorer without my salary but we will not be in poverty. I completely recognise that these things are privileges.

wishing you the best whatever you decide xx

Yes, and we did for a year, although older (15) and used an online provider. Got her into college and she's thriving again now. Managed to juggle our jobs and we worked on the premise of mental health first, any learning is a bonus. Not easy, but worth it to give her the break.