If your life was awful at one point, did it get good again?

[Sosadsolow]

Life feels so horrendous. Lone parent to an 18 month old, money worries, job worries, feel run down and very lonely. Heartbroken too and feel too old to start again especially with dc. My world has come crashing down and all I see now is struggle and sadness ahead with a lot of stress and loneliness.

I disagree with your latest post, because I think that at 38, you are wiser, kinder and more perceptive than you have ever been. That means you will discover ways forward, when opportunities come to you – which they will.

I just heard that a fantastic woman I know has died at the age of 68. Too soon, but she lived so well. She was remaking her life at the age of around 45. Life is long and 38 is not old. You have so much time left.

Edit: I've suddenly remembered at least two other women – friends'/exes' mothers – who rebuilt their lives in their 40s/50s. New partners, new interests, fun and busy lives. It is not too late for you.

I was a young mum with a deadbeat dad who didn't help or pay.
I also was carrying around trauma like a handbag.
Things were extremely difficult.
If you have any trauma get into counselling sooner rather than later, it has transformed my life.
My only regret is I had to reach rock bottom before I got /asked for help.
You have posted here, that's your first step. 🌺

Yes. I was a single parent at 18. When my DS was about 3 I went back to college to get my A Levels. I then went to uni. I got into HUGE amounts of debt for things like non payment of council tax as well as the usual student debts.

I was totally broke and living with a huge overdraft for years. I had bailiffs at my door. But I persevered and managed to get an okay graduate job (for £14k a year) and then succeeded in qualifying into my profession. It took until my so was 16 to get there and it was a slog. It was only once I qualified and had more money that things started to change for the better.

Yes! I had a business before i met exDH and things were hopeful and ticking along well. When we met his business absorbed mine, we got married and had a baby and i grafted on what i thought was our shared business/life/asset.

Turned put, he'd lied to me about the structure and EVERYTHING had disappeared into his brother's pocket,never to return. When he chucked me out on my arse at 32, i had nothing to my name in this world except my banger car and DD (6).

I was floored, thought i'd royally fucked up life not only for me, but DD. No pension, no assets, no savings, no meaningful qualifications and its astonishingly difficult to get employers to look at your CV when it has self employment on it rather than an employment history. No child maintenance from exDH (doesnt earn enough).

HOW was i supposed to find a job that would pay enough to keep me and DD and enable me to get her to school and back? The sums just didnt work! I cried myself to sleep at night, exDH had also crushed any confidence I had, and i stayed that miserable for a full four years. But, i never gave up and with a mix of determination, help from friends and sheer luck it's paid off. I now OWN a gorgeous period home, have hit my earnings target wayyy ahead of schedule and DD even has a bloody pony! I got some news yesterday too which I believe will enable me to get back to running my own business - the absolute dream!

To quote my own post I was 44 when it happened to us, DW a bit younger.
They say that we are never given more than we can cope with.

At one point I was heavily in debt, in a job I hated and trapped in an awful flat in an awful place with a violent, abusive alcoholic partner.

To cut a long story short, once I'd left him and spent a few years enjoying being single but also massively struggling financially, I took the plunge and relocated to a new job at the other end of the country. Huge leap, didn't know anyone etc. But it was much more affordable to rent there, my new job turned out to be lovely, and I met someone lovely. He's still my DP 20 years later and we are very happy, own a house together etc. When I look back to my worst times it actually stuns me to remember how bad my life was then and how different it is now.

Oh my word, yes, OP!

I'm so very sorry to hear how low you are feeling.

Things absolutely can and will get better.

Everything is changing all the time, it will anyway whether you want it to or not! Especially with a young one, they are constantly growing and going through phases, some delightful, some ... more challenging.

There's a lot to be done to help improve how you feel, how you see the world, and making plans or even just daydreaming about the future. I won't go into all that here, because I could write a bloody book on it, but I promise you. Brighter days ahead. All will be well, and all will be well.

Wishing you all the very best. Hold on tight.

yes it did. but it took a lot of support and love from those around me to bring me back to the person i was and most of all asking for Help when i needed it

Yes! I've had two instances where things have gone completely, and utterly tits up. I have a few years of it being bloody awful. But the saying 'this too will pass' is absolutely correct. I now look back and think I'm glad it happened as my life is so much better as a result of the shit.

Hold on op, it most definitely does get better

You remind me a little of my mum's good friend OP - she divorced an alcoholic husband in her thirties and became a single mother at about 39. I remember her telling me about moving post-divorce into a house that needed a lot of work and just sitting at the top of the stairs and crying.

But now, she is part of a beautiful big family, lovely committed partner, son doing well at uni, big gorgeous house, dog, fulfilled in what she's doing. And even if she didn't have partner or house or large family, she would still be such a cool person! She's so positive and interesting. And I know she sometimes struggles with depression, so it isn't always easy. Things gradually became better for her and they will for you. And it will be lovely as your son gets older and he can communicate with you more and you can enjoy experiencing things together (obviously he is also lovely at the moment).

I was at 20 in a cramped studio flat above a shop with 2 young children. Isolated and quite depressed, poor family relations and it felt like a lot of dead ends were there. Financial mess and few friends as no one else had kids.

I’m now 40s with friends, comfortable job and finances. Good family relationships.

Honestly, you’re in the hardest patch now. It gets easier x

Gently, these are all feelings that stem from thoughts, which are springing from ideas, and stories you are telling yourself.

Your feelings are all valid, and we all feel how we feel, but it's very useful to examine the underlying thoughts and beliefs that are causing us to feel those feelings. Try to pull them apart a bit. Some of them may be useful - recognising that you always wanted a loving and happy marriage, and that you maybe grieving for that, for example. Some may not be - extrapolating into the future when you really just can't know how things will change, for example.

It's worth looking closer at your thoughts and considering them in more depth.

'I can’t imagine having the time now to re build, start over, let alone have a loving and happy marriage which I’ve always wanted. If this happened when I was 25 I might feel differently but at 38 it seems so much had already been laid out for me now that I can’t change. Single and alone with a very small child and huge money and job worries alongside loneliness. It doesn’t seem as fixable at 38 as it would at 28.'

I hope that makes it a bit clearer? You are creating an idea of how things 'seem'.

Can I suggest a useful book?

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/46674

Is slightly dull, but I found it useful for helping to identity 'thought habits', like catastrophisation, fortune telling, black-and-white thinking, etc, that all can contribute to low mood, depression, and generally feeling like shite.

Also 'the work' by Byron Katie. Which boils down to asking yourself:

Is that true?

How do you know?

And of course, therapy or counselling may be useful, as might be talking to friends and family. And/or mindfulness.

A useful resource:

https://franticworld.com/

I was you op. I decided to make that hard the driver to make my life the best it could be.
I knew as a lone parent, late 30's with a v young child and an absent, abusive ex life would be challenging but I strived to knuckle down and accept that the next few years would be taking one day at a time.

I started a new career, used nursery then breakfast and after school clubs and worked my way up over the last 5 years.

I now have a senior management position and a good salary. Life is still tough and it's still getting through each day as it comes but I know the future is only going to be better.
My relationship with child is great, we are a team and I focus my non working hours to experiencing new places and mini breaks with them.

I cut myself slack when it comes to cooking and cleaning. I have developed some bad habits over eating and not exercising enough as im too tired and it's convenient but I know I will get past this blip.

Please please please don't let this hard time defeat you. Let it be the making of you and strive to build the life you want

Yes absolutely!
when my kids were little life was just too hard, my job was awful, I hated my husband. Nothing serious, just an endless tunnel of slog and exhaustion and I couldn’t see a way out.
the thing that kept me going was the thought that if I ever really wanted to kill my self, I had a credit card and a passport and I would leave the kids with my sister and run away to Barbados and eff the consequences! Which was ridiculous really, but it always worked in the moment.

I did an online course in something I liked, and did some CBT and it was lovely having someone listen to me moan on about my rubbish life, and eventually I left that job, the kids got older and now I feel pretty positive about life.

I guess you have to value yourself, and trust things will get better.

@ArabellaScott thank you, I will look that up. Your comments make sense too.

@misssunshine4040 yes that’s exactly my situation, absent and abusive father who caused me untold misery and while I am very glad I am not with him and do not have to see him, it is very hard to take sometimes that I am essentially alone. No matter how many friends or whatever family I have, not having that special companion in life is lonely. I can’t see it changing and I think that’s where I lose hope and then all positivity.

But why do you think it won't change? I stayed single and still am and I'm happy.
I've got work on myself and become someone I like.
You certainly don't have to be single forever, why is that your chosen outlook?

Absolutely!
I still experience setbacks with my mental health that crop up every so often, but life for me is so much better than it was.

Ah - i was going to say “I left my exh”

I think your child being very young is contributing to your feelings of being low, and the fact that the separation is new.

Give it a bit of time.

Yep. Single parent living in a homeless hostel with my baby at age 18. 33 now, have a secure tenancy with a housing association, full time job, still single but happy!

Yes. It's taken a very long time but I'm so so close to where I want to be (meaning, debt free). A few more months and I will owe nothing to anybody, and the struggles I've had in my life will be in the past, permanently. You can do it!

Yes. When I found out my exh had a second affair, this time with my best friend, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I lost a highly paid job that I'd worked hard to get, (that I'd unfortunately started the day after I found out and couldn't do because I was frankly a basket case and failed my probation). I had two girls under 9 who were in bits and embarrassed because they were at school with ex friends kids and everyone knew as we were in a small town and it was great gossip.
My social life was shattered over night as some people in our group had known and hadn't said and I didn't trust anyone at all as a result. I ended up having to move to get away as every time I went out I bumped into the woman, or her exh, or I felt everyone was looking at me. I became quite suicidal at one point tbh.
Fast forward 8 years and I'm remarried to a Dh that I love very much. We are all much happier. I'm back working in a related bit less stressful field. I've got two dogs (one that I got in the direct aftermath) that I adore, 2 happy-ish older girls and two lovely DSS's. It's not without issue but it's a massive turn around!
Keep going op. Life is a wheel of fortune. Sometimes your down but you'll come back up.

I needed to read this as I've been off work with anxiety this week. Its now slipped into depression and I'm feeling really low but...but life has got better and life will get better.
I'm a single parent too and I just don't think people understand the knee buckling pressure you feel when you are the only adult, the breadwinner, the good cop and the bad cop. Mum and dad .

It did get good for me, not again, but for the first time ever. Started young with the bad stuff. Abuse, eating issues, mental health, then physical disability, suicidal behaviour, weight out of control, no friends, no job, in debt.

I have my struggles still but I'm now working through them, not avoiding or denying them. I have a home now where I'm safe from abuse.

It sounds really hard. I am in awe of single mothers.

Yes poppet, your life will get better. It will get better than it ever was before. It's ok to not be ok, go easy on yourself xxx