If your life was awful at one point, did it get good again?

[Sosadsolow]

Life feels so horrendous. Lone parent to an 18 month old, money worries, job worries, feel run down and very lonely. Heartbroken too and feel too old to start again especially with dc. My world has come crashing down and all I see now is struggle and sadness ahead with a lot of stress and loneliness.

Oh my god YES. It really does. If anyone had told me 5 years ago how my life would be now I never ever would have believed it.

I didn’t eat I didn’t sleep I could barely get out of bed and function. I was so so broken. I was a single parent with a job to nowhere.

and now. I’m married, I live in a lovely house and I have a great job and life is good again.

it’s the age old classic, but time heals OP, and whilst this is happening all you have to do is get up everyday, take some deep breaths and BELIEVE that change will come and you will feel better.

Then one day, it will and you’ll look back and you’ll know , it was all part of the process. Hang in there x

Yes, I could have written your post when I was younger. My life is amazing now, better than I dared hope was possible.

Yes- me too! I was a single mum with alcoholic abusive ex in a horrible job which I hated but just had to keep going to earn the £££. My DS has ADHD he was always in trouble and getting up to serious wrongdoing (think drugs etc). I felt I had nothing to look forward to. I kept on going (of course) and now I realise that actually things are ok. I changed my job, was a bit more honest with people about how things were, also I got some anti anxiety medication and some CBT. it all helps. Things have improved, kids are older, ex has given up drink and is more reasonable and I have realised the value of a life without drama. Also I got a cat! It’s the little things that gradually improve.

I’m struggling at the moment too OP.

My life recently has felt like an onslaught of one terrible thing after another. It’s relentless. My most recent setback was on Sunday and I’ve barely left the house since and I’m finding it hard to eat with all the anxiety and I’m wondering how I ended up in this position.

All I can think about is the stupid choices I made that led me here and why I made those choices.

All I want it a quiet life and someone to share it with who loves me, and I hope I find it one day.

With hardship comes ease ❤️ your struggles are building your inner strength 💪
You might be going through the storms but I promise you it will all calm down...
Nothing lasts forever....this too shall pass 🙏

Years ago I posted in here because I felt like abandoning my children and disappearing into the ether. I felt nothing except a desire to leave everyone and everything.

Today, I am doing a lot better. I am not going to say everything is great and perfect; it's not and I think I will always live with a degree of mental illness, but I'm stable, I'm working FT in a great job, the children are much older and largely independent which means I have time to do things I like. It's an easier life.

I imagine you feel overwhelmed by your situation at times and I wish I could tell you something to make it better but ultimately it's up to you.

Daily yoga and meditation will be hugely beneficial and it's something you can do without cost as there are lots of free programs online. You will have to take the first step of making time for yourself to do it, but I guarantee that if you invest 15mins a day in this, that it will help your mood.

Some people swear by a gratitude diary. I don't do it myself but possibly it is something that may be helpful. I don't mean to suggest that you should be grateful for having what is essentially a very difficult life, but sometimes we can ease our anxiety by reframing things a little. Physically writing down 2 things a day that you're grateful for, even a giggle from your baby, will help your mood.

In practical terms, all I can suggest is seeking advice, perhaps through a CAB to ensure you are receiving any benefits and support that you're entitled to; approaching a food bank for assistance, and joining a social group, perhaps for other mothers of young children, that gives you the social connection you need. It needn't be a cost. There must be other lone parents who are in similar situations?

I'm sorry that things are so challenging for you. It's not how it's meant to be at all. I think that if you can focus on a day at a time, the days will become weeks and months, and gradually the challenges will ease. Can you visualise what you might be able to achieve in say 5yrs? Maybe working 25hrs (for money and social reasons) and having time with friends, as well as precious time with your then 6yo?

My life went to shit years four years ago due to an unexpected decline in my health and I’m still waiting for life to get better.

Ive lost my independence, I take medication for anxiety, I’ve had counselling twice, I’ve lost a lot of friends and I recently had to resign from a job I really loved.

Over the last few years there were some glimmers of hope where I genuinely thought things were on the up….but sadly not and everyone time I took a step forwards I was then forced to take two steps back.

Ive gone from being happy, confident, social and working in a responsible role, to now pretty much never leaving my house and claiming benefits. I don’t even recognise myself any more.

I like to think that one day things will get better for me and the old ‘me’ will return but to be honest I think I’ve just got more shitty times ahead.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Cheesy but true.

I was a single parent for years before I met my DH and had another child. Although I was broke and frazzled, sometimes I miss the days where it was just me and my eldest.

It does get better. There’s too much pressure to conform to societal norms and it can make you feel like you’re failing if you don’t fall into the considered ‘norm’.

Yes, I was extremely lonely in my late 20s. Makes me sad to think about how utterly miserable I was. I had no major stresses (eg kids) but my long-term relationship had ended, I had no friends and I had this overwhelming sense that my world had fallen off its axis. I didn't know myself, either. I remember thinking I had no idea who I was, what I liked, what I felt strongly about.

Loneliness is extremely hard.

What I did was I walked a lot. And that helped me think more clearly. I made a little mantra for myself: patience, positivity and preparation. I repeated it to myself a lot, every day, as I dragged myself through the motions. I started to believe that things would get better for me.

Then – and this was so out of character for me – I decided to take up a sport. Quite a sociable one. I was rubbish at it but I liked it. I was shy, but I realised that I found people easier when I had a 'role', which was welcoming people to the group I had joined. I made lots of friends, and people liked me because I had been kind to them when they were new. I suddenly had things to go to. And I met my partner.

@Sosadsolow please believe that things will change for you. I recommend trying some small new thing. Really small. Maybe it's a yoga class. Or litter picking. A walking group. Church. A friendly local coffee shop. I know you say you have money worries, and maybe you don't have much spare time either, but I really hope you can find one small thing that'll work for you.

Oh – also, can you reconnect with old friends, or aunts or cousins? You might be surprised to find that there is someone who really cares and wants to care for you.

I was in an awful marriage with so much DA to myself and the children. I had to wait until he left finally at 21 years.

Then raised the children (kindest thing he did was not go to court for contact). Once they were adults (1 is autistic and I was his carer full time) I went to uni at 49 and now work as a senior professional.

No intention of ever having a relationship ever again. But I am content.

You aren't too old. Things will get better. Happiness will come.

Yes I was a single mum. Living in work accommodation and poor.
Now I'm in a great job, have amazing young adults. A husband and a lovely home. Little by little it got better

Your post is not pathetic, OP. Lots of us have had terribly tough times and come through them.

I know it’s hard but don’t compare yourself to your friends. For one thing no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and being settled now doesn’t mean that life won’t happen to them. You need to focus on you.

Take one day at a time.

I have had horrendous moments in my life, from childhood to even now. I have cried, despaired, had depression/even suicidal thoughts thinking I can't cope. But somehow through all of that, there comes a stage where it can't get any worse. The only way is up. So i have dusted myself off and actually probably became stronger as a result.

I cut people off that were dragging me down/not adding to my life or those of my children. Because of that, i am seen as the black sheep of the family. But I do not care. My own little family unit is what I am prioritising. Not anyone else. If someone is good to me, i'll be good to them. Its that simple. I look at my kids photos and that is my fuel to carry on. Life can still be hard. It is hard. But my kids need me and I need them. They give me all the love and validation I need. I am sending you so much love OP

Yes. So much yes.

life can be downright awful sometimes and mine was for several years - but even in those years there were bright spots.

and now it’s unbelievably better

Absolutely yes, without doubt. Every storm runs out of rain, and this one will too. One foot in front of the other, and keep going OP

Absolutely it can! Focus on re-building yourself and enjoying your little one....you will build an amazing bond. In time you will heal. You're not too old. I did it and so can you. Good luck!

Yes.

Life goes in cycles, and this sounds like a low ebb, but things will change and they will get better.

18 months was a hard age for me with my DC. Things will get easier as your DC gets older and you have more headspace.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this and hope things take an upward turn soon. Rest assured they will improve sooner or later.

It can feel really hard to start again at 38, my beautiful best friend did. At 38 she was divorcing her self obsessed cheater husband and was dreading the prospect of being a single parent of a disabled child. It wasn't easy but she soared and 10 years later is married to a wonderful man and they are so happy. She also gets weekends of respite to do her own thing that she never had when married to Ex.

I lost a job and a qualification I was very proud of/worked hard for, I was a silly mistake I made that was very preventable*.

The knock on effect was that I lost my friends, my home and my self respect. I was broke, 7 pound a week for everything if I juggled what bills I paid that month so i was in arrears in rotation. I lived in a unfurnished, freezing cold bedsit on an estate the police wouldn't come into. Where addicts shot up on the stairwells and defecated in the the corners of the concrete walkways. I worked a number of jobs to get by. It was relentless and I was exhausted, directionless and just defeated by life.

Today I am in a much much better place - but that stage of my life is burned into my soul. I am so painfully grateful for the opportunities I have now. The very hard lessons i learned about being frugal, planning for every penny and caring for what you own so you can get the longest use from it is still a mantra that haunts me. My friends think i have a minimalism aesthetic but actually I still hold on so tight to the deep worry of only using what you need that i cant let go.

The main difference, the biggest difference is I now have joy. That was the thing that was missing when I was a grey cog in the machine that was grinding me to nothing. the spark of joy is stolen from you, hidden under worry, dread and fear.

I now have Joy. laughter, hope and resilience - so yes, It does get better.

*no one was harmed by the mistake - I was actually burned out massively and I clearly self sabotaged in a spectacular way to get out of the trap that a job I had worked so hard for had become. Expectations were so high and I was held to such an impossibly high standard that I just imploded. This I realised in hindsight and years of separation from the event, not at the time though. I was so young, so very young and when i look back now I am mad that so much pressure was placed on me without care and when I broke I was discarded with the emphasis that it was a weakness in me, not a problem with the system.

Lone parent from DC being 4/5 no job, no money, disabilities didn’t help - I was in my 30s
Since then I’ve had many relationships, got to the top of my career, travelled, have plenty of friends and amazing bond with my now adult DC
Ive accepted my health issues and am far more positive
Financial security is not as great as I would like it to be but I count my blessings as so many others are far worse off than me
consider volunteering, study even online and look for new social opportunities where you can
Hope it works out for you

I like the saying, 'All things will pass.' I also think it can be about how you view your current situation. I won't patronise you and the way you feel but there are meds and therapies that could help now if you're struggling.
Social media can add to the way you feel. It's not real. It's often not even a sanitised version of other's lives but I know many who look on enviously at lives portrayed on there. One recent example, I have a friend whose profile pic is her wedding photo from almost thirty years ago. She regularly posts her enormous house and garden. Her life is picture perfect on FB. Coincidentally, DD is best friends with her STBXH's partner. They actually split up two years ago, the house is on the market and he lives with DD's best friend's mum and has done for six months. I had absolutely no idea until I went to pick up DD and he was there.
MN often trots out that comparison is the thief of joy and that's also true. Be gentle with yourself.

Yes we had no money, 2 children, a business failed, Cleared debts nothing left over. Bank wanted the house back. Fought back.
We just plodded on. It took a while, major changes to our way of life.

Life eventually became good. Happy retirement soon.
Another Churchill quote, "Just Keep Buggering On"

You're in that stage of your life where all you can do is weather the storm. I think it happens to all of us at some point, that period of months or years where it's just about surviving.

It's hard, and unfair and so lonely. But YES it gets better. Do what you can now to take tiny slithers of happiness where you can. A face mask, a long bath, a cup of coffee early morning watching the sunrise and other trite things! I know it sounds twee but when I was going through hell, it was the tiny pleasures that helped me get through.

X

Yes! Ten years ago I was homeless, an addict, I had been forced into prostitution by a much older "boyfriend" and had been in a mental hospital.
Now I'm clean and sober, I've got a flat, my daughter, my dog, a job, and life can be hard (no family nearby, no help from daughter's father, no money from him) but it's still very very beautiful.

Thanks for the posts. I think my age has something to do with it. I can’t imagine having the time now to re build, start over, let alone have a loving and happy marriage which I’ve always wanted. If this happened when I was 25 I might feel differently but at 38 it seems so much had already been laid out for me now that I can’t change. Single and alone with a very small child and huge money and job worries alongside loneliness. It doesn’t seem as fixable at 38 as it would at 28.