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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect looked after

27 replies

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/10/2023 03:38

I know I’m not BU but I’m awake at 3.25am feeling really ill with Covid I likely got from my husband. He went out with friends for a beer a few days ago in the nearest city(alcohol free because he was driving) so not a big bender or a late night but I’m still annoyed at him because he should have been more careful when he was out and when he came home. I have MS and bugs often hit me a bit harder and he’s usually over protective of me. When he got ill I thought he was taking the piss re distancing and proper hand hygiene. I kept reminding him and he kept getting annoyed at me “nagging.” Though he kind of loved that I really didn’t want him in the kitchen. I was pretty much his nursemaid. He really wasn’t well though, I’ve not seen him look as I’ll as this. (We’ve been together 30+ years.) He was coughing and sneezing and not covering his mouth. Hand washing was only a quick spray of alcohol.
He joked that I would wear myself out looking after him (I have a bad habit of that)and doing too much, get ill and then have no one to look after me the way I want. I want taken care of as well as I took care of him! But it’s not likely to happen.

Thanks if you got this far. I just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 06/10/2023 04:08

Why isn't it likely to happen? Do you think that you won't get any level of care if you are tanked by it or is it just that he won't care for you to the same standard?

I have a chronic illness too and it's likely to get worse as I age. When I'm sick I feel like I get the latter, a reasonable amount of care but not a lot of the, for want of a better word, fuss that I employ when he is sick. I can find this kind of frustrating but not as worrisome if it were the former.

Millybob · 06/10/2023 04:17

Like hell I'd have been nursing anyone who can't even bother covering sneezes and sanitising hands. He'd have had a tray left outside his door, if he were lucky. If you know you're vulnerable, why put yourself in the way of infection?

Original poster
JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/10/2023 04:17

He’ll usually do things if I ask him to but he’s not likely to offer. It always feels like Im being an inconvenience. He denies this. It doesn’t help that I’m ill and hormonal at the same time. I really don’t like him very much just now😂. Also, he’s not quite over his Covid yet so it could turn into a “I’m the sickest” kind of scenario to make me feel bad about asking him to help me.

Hopefully I’ll feel a bit better tomorrow xx

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 06/10/2023 04:17

he should have been more careful when he was out and when he came home

Not sure what is meant by this? There’s nothing he can do when he’s out and about to prevent catching covid, and hand-hygiene won’t stop an airborne virus.

Hope you feel better quickly.

NeedTheSeaside · 06/10/2023 04:24

YANBU

this new variant is highly transmissible. People need to be more careful, but they won't be because they think covid is over.

he's not being 'caring' bear this in mind next time he's not well.

hope you feel better soon.

JennaLi · 06/10/2023 09:20

You're annoyed at him because he went out and unfortunately caught covid? That's really not his fault.

Hufflepods · 06/10/2023 09:59

I’m still annoyed at him because he should have been more careful when he was out and when he came home...when he got ill I thought he was taking the piss re distancing and proper hand hygiene.

You need to seek help for your anxiety. This is not a normal way to live or acceptable regardless of any background condition you have.

It sounds exhausting to be your husband.

Original poster
JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/10/2023 12:54

My husband of his own accord told me he was maybe a bit complacent when he went out. I was annoyed when he got home and was coughing, sneezing and spluttering all over the place and calling me a nag when I questioned him. Basic hygiene rules not followed. These are rules that come as much from him as me and have been followed since before I got ms. (We are both a bit germaphobic.)
I feel a bit better today after a shit night. Still as hormonal though.
He’s offered to make me soup.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 06/10/2023 13:14

Short of putting him a life sized human bubble you could both catch covid anyway.

We have all just had it, I was the most ill I have ever been. It’s horrible but you are going to have to crack on. He can help you when he is better. Order some meds, frozen meals and hunker down. It’s about 10 days of misery

ManateeFair · 06/10/2023 13:18

he should have been more careful when he was out and when he came home

More careful how? Did you expect him to wear a mask and stay outdoors?

He could have got Covid anywhere.

Also, you have already decided he won't look after you, but this hasn't actually happened yet?!

You are really just looking for something to be annoyed about aren't you?

cardibach · 06/10/2023 13:22

I was annoyed when he got home and was coughing, sneezing and spluttering all over the place
if he was coughing when he got in, @JesusSufferingFuck22 , he didn’t get it on his night out.
It’s pretty impossible to reduce risks of catching it now, and I don’t think there’s much you could do short of complete isolation in the house to reduce your risk of catching it from someone you live with b

Desecratedcoconut · 06/10/2023 13:24

Lastchancechica · 06/10/2023 13:14

Short of putting him a life sized human bubble you could both catch covid anyway.

We have all just had it, I was the most ill I have ever been. It’s horrible but you are going to have to crack on. He can help you when he is better. Order some meds, frozen meals and hunker down. It’s about 10 days of misery

Edited

I mean, I don't really think you can really negotiate these things through protective measures once you are outside of the house but I don't think declaring that the op needs to endure ten days is very helpful when the consequences and recovery times could well be complicated by her pre-existing condition .

Original poster
JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/10/2023 14:26

@cardibach yeah, he went out on Friday and got ill on Sunday. Yes, he could have got it from anywhere but he was out in a busy pub so we’re blaming that.

I don’t expect him to or me to live in a bubble but some basic hygiene wasn’t being followed. I get that he was feeling shite and it was probably all too much effort for him but there are consequences to inaction. For example we have an air filter which we use when we have folks over now but he didn’t want it on because he was feeling cold and it creates a little breeze. He put the heating up really high too which makes me feel ill. I just feel like he doesn’t give a shit about my well-being.

@JennaLi it was his actions after being out that I’m annoyed about.

OP posts:
cardibach · 06/10/2023 14:55

Isn’t the incubation more than 2 days though?

Original poster
JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/10/2023 18:43

@cardibach according to google 2 days incubation is rare (but not impossible.)

Anyway, I’m less annoyed with him as he made me soup and tidied the kitchen a couple of times and kept telling me to sit down😂 Also my period started🤦🏻‍♀️😂

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 06/10/2023 18:51

It's a highly transmissible disease, which won't be stopped by hand sanitizer, masks, etc. Only complete isolation, forever. So yes, YABU to expect him to stop living. And I say this as someone who is vulnerable and who has a vulnerable child.

There is no such thing as safety from a highly contagious disease, so you need to deal with your emotions and stop trying to control him.

Dessertinthedesert · 06/10/2023 18:58

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/10/2023 12:54

My husband of his own accord told me he was maybe a bit complacent when he went out. I was annoyed when he got home and was coughing, sneezing and spluttering all over the place and calling me a nag when I questioned him. Basic hygiene rules not followed. These are rules that come as much from him as me and have been followed since before I got ms. (We are both a bit germaphobic.)
I feel a bit better today after a shit night. Still as hormonal though.
He’s offered to make me soup.

Covid normally has a 5 day incubation period so if he was ill as soon as he got home then they didn’t catch it on that night out.

You can’t expect him to shield forever.

SleepingisanArt · 06/10/2023 19:16

And if you knew he had covid why were you fussing over him if you are vulnerable? Surely he would have to be in isolation from you?

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 06/10/2023 19:36

Moaning for the sake of it!!

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 06/10/2023 19:44

In all honesty are you just annoyed he went out? It all sounds high level drama and do you really expect him to be following social distance rules of the height of covid?

Original poster
JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/10/2023 22:52

@Dessertinthedesert he got ill 2 days after he’d been out. He works with vulnerable people so all the Covid stuff you all did during lockdown , he does pretty much every day anyway. It’s normal behaviour for us. I’m annoyed that he thought he was complacent when he was out and the coughing and sneezing without covering his mouth when he was ill and testing positive.

@SleepingisanArt in an ideal world isolating would be something we could do. Unfortunately due to my disability that wasn’t possible. I wasn’t fussing over him. I’d heat up some soup/meals for him when I was making some for myself then leave it in the kitchen for him to get.

@MatthewsMumFromTikTok damn right I am. I needed to vent. That’s allowed isn’t it?

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose I'm not annoyed about him going out at all. He had a couple of alcohol free beers and spent some time with old friends. I just expected him to be a bit more sensible than he was. When he knew he had Covid he was making a joke about passing it on to me and minimising my concern about him coughing a lung up and not covering his mouth when he was close to me.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 07/10/2023 05:28

I still don’t understand what ‘complacent when he was out’ means. It’s an airborne virus. You can’t avoid it. The distancing, hand-washing and isolating is now known to make negligible difference

WandaWonder · 07/10/2023 05:31

None of this sounds normal, people go out and get sick grown ups care for themselves unless fully incapacitated

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/10/2023 05:53

I understand where you are coming from as you get so much sicker than he does due to your illness. Least he made you soup and was keeping the place tidy and I feel you just wanted to be looked after and spoilt a bit without asking and that is not too much to expect especially if you looked after him. Men always have to say they are sicker and do not make good patients at all. Hope you feel much better soon and relax with your feet up and don't worry about housework at all until you recover.

MichelleScarn · 07/10/2023 06:18

yogasaurus · 07/10/2023 05:28

I still don’t understand what ‘complacent when he was out’ means. It’s an airborne virus. You can’t avoid it. The distancing, hand-washing and isolating is now known to make negligible difference

This don't get your annoyance at his being 'complacent'? There's no extra rules other than general hygiene that even those working with vulnerable need to follow.
Whats happened this time do you feel for him to be different?
Is only having the alcohol free beer his choice?