To ask 'How do people do it?'

[HowDoesSheDo]

I will preface this by saying I have ADHD. Late diagnosed in my 40's, but now medicated and much better than I was..... but I still don't understand how people (mums in particular) manage to keep on top of everything and still manage work, life, balance.

My husband does more than his share of the parenting / house work, and is getting cross that I'm working so much and can't manage general life admin. I only work 4 days a week as well

I take 1 of our children to school while he takes the other in the morning, I work pretty solid throughout the day Monday-Thurs some days from home, some days in the office. I make the children dinners every evening (often have to make twice because they get home at different times due to activities). I clean up the dinner mess and get the youngest up to bed, read story, etc. come back down and battle with the other to do their homework while I make my own dinner (different dietary requirements than the children and DH), watch some TV with my eldest once homework is done and then finally get them up to bed about 10. Then I get a bit of time to myself to spend on my phone scrolling MN, online shop browsing, Reddit etc. for maybe 45 mins and then DH joins me and we watch some TV. Fridays are usually spent catching up on housework / errands that have built up during the week before picking up one / both of the children. Rush home, feed them and take them both to their activities. Saturday mornings are spent ferrying children around to and watching their activities. Afternoons are often birthday parties, more errands or a family day out at a national trust. Evenings start once the eldest has gone to bed - again about 10ish and DH will watch a movie. Sunday normally a family day out. Evenings the same as the others. Occasionally I will get out for a meal with friends. Maybe 1-2x in a normal month, but when there's a few occasional / Christmas etc it's more.

I seem to always be busy. But feel like I accomplish nothing. I still can't keep up with replying to texts and messages (sometimes I will take a week or more to get to them and sometimes I read them and forget to reply), I don't have the time to clean the house so we have to have a cleaner, I rarely check my emails or go on social media, I don't know what the latest books are (and read them), what the latest live shows and films are playing (everyone I know seems to know this, and manages to find the time to go to a film / theatre show every month or so), I can't keep up with trending topics that I should know about for work, while my team mates are reading up on / training on them and expanding their knowledge.

Whenever I bump into someone on the school run and they ask how I'm doing, I'm not quite sure how to reply. I'm frazzled. I think I scare them away when I tell them how busy I am and why, and have to apologise for never getting back to them.

I really don't understand how people accomplish so much and how they're so productive, when I feel like I'm constantly up to my eyeballs doing 'things' that everyone else seems to do as well.

So tell me ladies.... AIBU to ask how people do it all??

You sound exactly like me, except I almost never cook. If I have to because my partner is out it's freezer food with pre-chopped fresh veg, or something on toast. I would not be cooking multiple meals.

Anyway. I keep up with my main interests in the small amounts of time I get to scroll the internet. Everything else gets ignored. I don't read books anymore, I simply don't have the time or inclination to give up something else in order to read.

My friends and I all feel like we're living in chaos and losing ourselves. I think that's just what it feels like to work and be a parent. Even the women I consider superwomen admit to finding it all very hard, they just don't show it.

I'm really, really organised, very little gets forgotten, all of it written down, system for things etc. But I don't have the added challenge of ADHD. I'm not saying I have it perfectly but be kind to yourself, it's a big thing getting a diagnosis and never any point in comparison. Your kids will grow up fine whether you're on the ball or have a day where all the balls fall down

I could have written your post.
Except we seem to be really struggling finaically at the moment so trying to keep up with kids activities but also scrabbling round for money at the end of the month
Can't afford national trust stuff, don't do family days out
I completely feel you on "wish I could keep up with trends/books etc"
I am self diagnosed adhd and not medicated and feeling it tbh

@HowDoesSheDo You are doing great!

My observation is that you spend more time ‘out’ at the weekend than most of the people who you are comparing yourself with who probably spend that time reading/watching telly. Honestly, I think you are getting more from life than them. I feel guilty being at home so much and feel like I should be doing more familiar days out but I’m too tired. So you have my admiration for getting out and giving your children all these experiences!
I think you are suffering from FOMO, next time you are asked how you are think about saying we’ve been out and about having a great time and see if it sticks! But if you genuinely don’t enjoy being out so much at the weekend you can scale it back.

if you want advice, try batch cooking dinners or using a slow cooker so that you don’t have to cook multiple times a night for different dietary requirements. That must be really time consuming!

I think you are doing your best OP, don’t be hard on yourself! Do you have help with school pick ups or is that all on you? Your older child obviously stays up late so that really changes things - my eldest is only 7 so still in bed by 7:30 most nights.

I feel very much like this in the week, but I’m mindful I squeeze a lot into a short day as I do like to relax in the evenings once DC are in bed.

I also work 4 days a week, mainly from home which makes everything easier (put laundry on during my working day, or nip on an errand at lunchtime - supermarket or collect a prescription).

DH and I share the drop offs, and we only pick up on our days off, otherwise DC are in ASC or with grandparents.

DH does the cooking, he’ll batch cook so it’s not every night. If the DC are having something different it’s freezer tapas or omelettes, or even sandwiches if they’ve had a hot meal at school.

We both have time to exercise though, I see a personal trainer once a week at 7:30am and I also run - a long one on my day off and a shorter one early morning before work one day.

Can you relax a bit more on your day off? I always find time to sit and mindlessly scroll with a coffee, even if I’ve done a long run. You have a cleaner, so don’t bother yourself with cleaning on your day off (we also have a cleaner) - what errands do you have that need catching up on and fill a whole day every week? If you WFH some days try and plan errands into your lunch break - I always have reminders set at 12pm on WFH days, return library books/collect prescription/buy milk etc.

I think if you claw some time for yourself on your day off while DC are in school, you’ll feel better as you deserve to do something for you.

You need to care a lot less what other people are doing, what they say they're doing and what they think of you. I'm not suggesting you isolate yourself, but just protect yourself from all the unhelpful comparisons you're making.

be kind to yourself and don't expect yourself to be quite so perfect as you think others are. They aren't!

It’s never ending.

Write a list of the things you think you aren’t getting done and tick one / two off each day,
I’m the absolute worst with admin type things ( even though they are simple) and let it build up and up until it makes me extremely stressed to think about it, and the more stressed I get about it the more I keep putting it off - completely Bizarre behaviour!!

Eg, returning online shopping, there have been countless times I haven’t returned Items within the 28days and then I’m stuck with stuff I don’t want! ….simple task but has cost me hundreds, I cannot fathom why I keep doing this!

Not paying bills on time (I do have the money) and then I get fined, This has also cost me hundreds over the years

Your doing better than I am. I have one child, a cleaner and I don't have ADHD

You are prioritising your family and work. From what I read in you story, you are doing perfect. I can also see you are giving time to relax yourself. That's very good. Rest of the things you worry you can't do are not really worth worrying. Unless you have passion for reading a book or learning a new skill over watching movie or crashing on sofa. Mine and husbands life are pretty much the same except I have two a year old and a six months old. When I have a time I relax watching TV and literally do nothing else. Sometimes I do pick up odd naps when my husband working from home. That helps night wake ups so much. My husband does a lot for us at home. I do look after kids more and he does more house work than me. Most cooking I do. But his way of relaxation is different. He read books and look on laptop to improve his IT skills. He barely watched TV. When he watches it must be some documentary or something about the world. I do watch with him those when he is interested in TV. He tells me what's going on in the world. He read books a lot and I don't. He is quite knowledgeable, for example he can pick up a clever and wise conversation with anyone. But he talks less. Although I appreciate we both have our own differences I never see myself less valued because he is using his time productively. In this stage of life all I need is relaxation at the end of the day. Nothing else. You are doing great. There is nothing need changing.

Sounds pretty standard tbh for a working mother. The only suggestion I would make is make your day off...I would slay a lot of tasks there...when I'm on my own I speed through tasks back to back.

Not being on top of things fully is clearly causing anxiety. It does me if I'm not in top of everything. It sounds you have an amazing time at the weekend full of activities; which I would definitely rather be doing. But it doesn't sound like there's anytime for admin. Me and my husband divide and conquer at least part of the weekend (sometimes full day), so I can get what needs to be done; done. E.g. he sorted kids/ played yesterday and I did 3 hours gardening, worked (I'm self employed), pushed the hoover around, correspondence, booking social stuff etc. He often entertains the kids & I do cleaning, cooking, gardening, gen admin etc as he's rubbish at these things 🙈. If your partner isn't crap at domestic life you could take turns, as it's definitely the short straw 😢

In addition it sounds like there's a lot of individual meals being cooked in eve; which is hard if it's proper cooking. I would concentrate on making one for everyone else (they can heat it's up if not there till later) and if you have specific diet batch cook (or you can achieve this by making extra each time you cook) & freeze for future meals. I do this for my kids so when I can't be bothered or me & dad are eating rubbish when they're in bed 🤣🤣 there's something nutritious to defrost in the freezer for their meal.

I hope that helps 👍

My parents are really into music and into his 70s My Dad still goes to music festivals! But at pub quizzes they never know the 80s and 90s music because they were busy raising us, and that's one of their big loves. I have ADHD too and I think that feeling of not doing enough is probably just part and parcel of ADHD but also parenting in general? I feel it mostly in terms of the kids and how life is going too fast, I want to enjoy their younger years more!

You're normal. My life is pretty similar, I get up at 5.45 getting the kids ready and out the door for 7.15, I'm out by 7.30, back for 7, straight into bedtime, that goes on until 8.30ish, cook myself a bit of food, clear up, laundry on, finish emails then it's 10pm and time for bed. My house is a pigsty of repairs that need doing, garden needing weeding etc.

In terms of getting on top of jobs I realised stuff just won't do itself. A few times a year i arrange childcare on a weekend, or take a day of annual leave when they are at work, stack up some good podcasts (as a fellow adhd person I need distraction to do boring jobs) and get on with a list: clearing out kids' closets, get on top of the garden, clear out the basement, clean the oven etc etc.

Other times if I have cash I'll go through a phase of just booking in loads of people like handymen to do the repairs, gardeners to clear out the garden etc.

I use a lot of mental energy just trying to cope with day to day stuff due to being neurodivergent. I ended up having to give up work just to care for my family without burning out :(

Give yourself a pat on the back for everything you do.
I think this quote applies to you you (tell it to yourself every day): I'm the best so f* the rest. Grass is always greener etc.i pride myself not being up to date/ media slave. Be proud of what you DO achieve.

We’re all just winging it you just described my life too a T

You sound like most working mums to me, including myself!