To ask 'How do people do it?'

[HowDoesSheDo]

I will preface this by saying I have ADHD. Late diagnosed in my 40's, but now medicated and much better than I was..... but I still don't understand how people (mums in particular) manage to keep on top of everything and still manage work, life, balance.

My husband does more than his share of the parenting / house work, and is getting cross that I'm working so much and can't manage general life admin. I only work 4 days a week as well

I take 1 of our children to school while he takes the other in the morning, I work pretty solid throughout the day Monday-Thurs some days from home, some days in the office. I make the children dinners every evening (often have to make twice because they get home at different times due to activities). I clean up the dinner mess and get the youngest up to bed, read story, etc. come back down and battle with the other to do their homework while I make my own dinner (different dietary requirements than the children and DH), watch some TV with my eldest once homework is done and then finally get them up to bed about 10. Then I get a bit of time to myself to spend on my phone scrolling MN, online shop browsing, Reddit etc. for maybe 45 mins and then DH joins me and we watch some TV. Fridays are usually spent catching up on housework / errands that have built up during the week before picking up one / both of the children. Rush home, feed them and take them both to their activities. Saturday mornings are spent ferrying children around to and watching their activities. Afternoons are often birthday parties, more errands or a family day out at a national trust. Evenings start once the eldest has gone to bed - again about 10ish and DH will watch a movie. Sunday normally a family day out. Evenings the same as the others. Occasionally I will get out for a meal with friends. Maybe 1-2x in a normal month, but when there's a few occasional / Christmas etc it's more.

I seem to always be busy. But feel like I accomplish nothing. I still can't keep up with replying to texts and messages (sometimes I will take a week or more to get to them and sometimes I read them and forget to reply), I don't have the time to clean the house so we have to have a cleaner, I rarely check my emails or go on social media, I don't know what the latest books are (and read them), what the latest live shows and films are playing (everyone I know seems to know this, and manages to find the time to go to a film / theatre show every month or so), I can't keep up with trending topics that I should know about for work, while my team mates are reading up on / training on them and expanding their knowledge.

Whenever I bump into someone on the school run and they ask how I'm doing, I'm not quite sure how to reply. I'm frazzled. I think I scare them away when I tell them how busy I am and why, and have to apologise for never getting back to them.

I really don't understand how people accomplish so much and how they're so productive, when I feel like I'm constantly up to my eyeballs doing 'things' that everyone else seems to do as well.

So tell me ladies.... AIBU to ask how people do it all??

I wondered if you’d been given ADHD counselling? It’s well worth a try, if not, even on meds. It can help a lot with structuring time and setting reminders. It sounds like you’re on top of the major things, but the minor ones niggle. That is perfectly normal, but also can be a bit improved by finding techniques that suit you.

I also have ADHD and often struggle to balance things well. I tend to cook big meals that last a few days and have a list of meals that I can check when I’m under pressure to think quickly. Some are quick meals and others the bigger batch cook ones. I put in the trending topics for work in my schedule, so for example, the first 10-15 mins of your phone time, make it do the reading re work first. Also look up any relevant podcasts and listen when in a car without kids or doing laundry etc. or when you cook dinner in the evening or similar. Timetable the admin as you would any work task. I add family events to calendars and also set phone alarms to remind me to put a wash on or write birthday card or do my son’s school reading or similar. Add in nice things after the timetabled boring bits - love a cuppa, have one after the admin task. I do think chatting to someone with techniques up their sleeve can really help finding where things can be added quickly that often get missed where ADHDers tend to focus on the next big event or activity ‘I’ve got to do school run in 10 mins and now I can’t concentrate on anything else’. If you’ve preplanned the in between it can help.

I totally relate to texts etc as well. So glad you’ve said that as not really heard someone else bar my sister in law mention it before. I am exactly the same and don’t yet have something that helps. I do reply but am often full of anxiety and take several days to do so depending on the text, who it is, how overwhelming my schedule is etc.

A lot of it is normal but as others have pointed out you are doing way too much cooking and there is no need for a full day out on Sunday. I think Sunday afternoon at home is always lovely, a chance to potter, relax etc.

Fab post by @ChaosAndCrumbs . Do all her suggestions! Especially planning in things for you. I know you feel like you don't have time but it makes a big difference.

What is your husband doing while you're doing kids, dinner, cleanup?

I found things got easier when I started feeding us all together. Cooking once rather than 3 times would help even if you are adapting things. Some can have bread if they don't like that sort of chips, or an oven baked fishcake or something. Don't be afraid to plate up and reheat.

Ate you sure your husband does more than his share of parenting and housework? You cook and clean up from both kids every evening and do both bed times and spend a lot of Fridays cleaning. It's not like you have loads of spare time that you could squeeze more in. What exactly does he think you should be doing extra and when? Does he not see the value of the errands you do on Fridays?

Does your husband do any Di nners?Also not sure what you mean by him getting "cross" that you are working and "not managing life admin" you are still working 4 days! Does he realise you have got ADHD? Try not to compare yourself to others.My DC are older and I dont get to watch a play every month ,or read the latest books!

You are not ‘doing nothing’ with your life. You are raising DC and looking after your family and working. But I get that it feels a bit like being in a hamster wheel. Haven’t got any magic solutions but maybe some tweaks might help. PPs have made suggestions, and things which occur to me are :
Try going to bed earlier and make a point of reading/audiobook or film tv
Get older DC to bed earlier so you get a breather
Try a gentle exercise programme or relaxation technique for yourself
Get a babysitter and go out with DH every fortnight
Family movie or games evening including DH? He only seems to appear at 10pm??
Hang on in there OP

As others have mentioned, what is your DH doing in the evenings when you spend your time cooking, getting both children to bed, and not having a chance to sit down until 10? Why isn’t he supervising homework for the older child while you put the younger one to bed, for example?

The other thing that jumps out is that there seems to be a lot of after school/ weekend activities that take up a lot of time (and it sounds like you’re the one doing all the ferrying about). Could any of these be dropped?

Do you work 9-5 on the four days? If so, are your children in after school care or are you trying to wfh while they are at home, or doing shorter days but still trying to fit all your work in? It’s not clear from your OP.

Fridays are usually spent catching up on housework / errands that have built up during the week before picking up one / both of the children.

This seems to skip quite quickly over the six-ish hours a week that you do have. Could more of this stuff be done at the weekend? Could you set a timer for housework - say, two hours - and then after that whatever is done is done and the rest of that time is yours?

What’s the ‘life admin’ and chores you’re ‘failing to do’?

What does DH do?

How is your day off in the week spent?

Honestly, you sound normal. But if you want to establish some better habits around texting and say, reading a book, then you can - you’ll just need to make a mindful routine and set reminders/alarms to prompt you e.g. every evening at 10pm (or 7am, whatever) get Alexa to tell you to check and reply to messages from friends.

I've now noticed from the OP that you have a cleaner, so I definitely do think there must be scope to make better use of your non-working day.

Honestly if I had a family day out every Sunday I’d never be on top of anything. I use most of this day to catch up on washing/ house stuff and work. If we ever do have something on a Sunday it throws my week out.

I do envy those that go for lovely long pub lunches and big days out though.

It doesn’t sound like your DH is helping out in the evening? I can’t see what he is doing? If he’s ‘working’ then he surely can get home a bit earlier to help.

I sometimes wonder if some people think there are another set of people that just ace everything and sail through life covering all the bases all of the time?

Seconding Sundays. Here we take DS to rugby on a Sunday morning, maybe grab a coffee and then that's it for doing anything.

watch some TV with my eldest once homework is done and then finally get them up to bed about 10. Then I get a bit of time to myself to spend on my phone scrolling MN, online shop browsing, Reddit etc. for maybe 45 mins and then DH joins me and we watch some TV.

Just to say - this part of your day is when I go to the cinema, or DH does, and we love going alone. I often go to a 9pm showing.

I feel like you're just describing life. I used to work three days and seemed to balance everything fine.
Because of finances I upped to 4 days (and now 5) and I felt like 4 days was the tipping point where things got harder to manage. In my family at least the ideal scenario is one of us working less and then using the two remaining week days to catch up on general life shit so we can actually enjoy our weekend. That's not happening at the moment (cost of living etc) but it's what I aim to get back to.

Agree that family day out most Sundays is a lot, we both work FT and I would struggle to get stuff done with that.

Also question whether your H IS doing ‘more than his fair share’ if he isn’t doing any of the weekday cooking for DC, which IMO is one of the most time consuming things.

Also not great that your DH is ‘cross’ that you work 4 days a week, when presumably he works full time.

I think you are doing wonderfully. It will get easier as your DC get older. I feel like I only got my brain back when DC were 8 and 12.

Hiw old are the DC?

I think it kind of depends on the situation. It’s not great, but also though both my husband and I have ADHD, i tend to take the place of the non ADHD’er. I do get cross when task after task is forgotten, when he’s consistently making us late and I can’t rely on him to remember basics. The difference is I put a huge amount into attempting to manage mine inside and outside work. I can’t speak for the OP or her husband, but it might be he’s just frustrated at feeling he can’t rely on tasks being done and the extra responsibility. That’s easily solvable though, as I said in my previous post - just takes a fair bit of planning!

You possible make 3 meals a day for tea? That’s time consuming!

Make a list for Monday - Thursday of meals everyone likes - use a slow cooker and they can dish up when home. Recommend stews and curries - one pot meals - saves washing up.

Why is the elder child bed time so late?

he needs to be in his room by 9 and he can read quietly.

This will give you an hour a night to ‘catch up’ read a newspaper etc

I have ADHD as well and agree with others that it sounds like you're doing really well!

I also second the question whether DH can take on any of the cooking or you can streamline this e.g. using slow cooker to make bigger meals that can be frozen and reheated, using convenience foods, batch-cooking something like meat (I've heard a tip e.g. stick loads of mince or chicken breasts in the slow cooker to cook them through, then portion out into containers and freeze, then you can add them frozen to various sauces etc for a quicker/easier dinner.)

For replying to texts etc my biggest tip for this is to have set times when you do this. I don't struggle with texts as much but emails used to make me really anxious. Checking them once a day really helped as it meant that once it's done I can freely ignore them until the next morning with no guilt. Muting notifications also means that you don't swipe everything away and then not know what is read and what is not. For texts, maybe fit this into little "gaps" in the day e.g. when you first get to work, lunch break, while cooking. Then you can ignore until the next text time, but start with the oldest. If someone wants you urgently they can always call. If you find it time consuming to type a reply because you want to say a lot, try leaving voice notes, or using voice to text is also not bad these days. I used to get annoyed by voice notes but I have got quite into them!

Social media just don't - it's a time suck anyway. If you're finding that you're isolated because of missing this, go on and unfollow everything and just leave it as the local groups, or local events or something. But TBH most of the social stuff IME has gone away from Facebook now and onto whatsapp groups - so if you can ask around and see if you're missing any of these and then add those to the text time slot. If this is more guilt about not updating older relatives with DC photos/milestones, what we have found works well for this is creating a shared photo folder using whatever photo app you have on your phone - google or apple photos - and then signing all your relatives up to that album. You and DH can just bulk upload any recent photos and they will get an email or a notification on their phone. It's great and avoids all the crap of social media too. I also find this really good because at Christmas time when sending out cards etc I can instantly access the best of DH's and my nice photos without having to scroll through a load of irrelevant photos.

Another way to keep up socially which is vital for me is finding/creating regular recurring meet ups. For example, if you have Fridays off, look for a Friday coffee morning or drop in, or suggest one with someone else you know doesn't work on Fridays. Every other week is fine for this. Or join a morning/evening class. Just that repeated expectation to be seen will help and then once you're regularly seeing people you tend to think of each other to invite out to other social events such as birthdays. I joined a book club. I resisted it for ages because I thought people would want to really dissect the book and it would spoil it for me, but then someone said "It's basically just an excuse to drink wine and chat" and I thought yeah, OK, I'll go for that. It has been good because I have read some books I wouldn't otherwise. I don't always enjoy them, but that doesn't really matter - people don't always finish the book if they don't like it! Again it's just a recurring social event where you see the same people. If you want to watch films, you could start or find a cinema club which is basically the same idea - you all go out to watch a film about once a month, then have dinner afterwards and talk about the movie. With these kinds of arrangements you don't need to keep up with what's current, you'll just get suggestions every so often and that prompts you to look up what it is.

Lastly some things which have been really helpful for me is actually looking at my daily routine and trying out different options. For example I've found that I have so much more energy if I can possibly sleep in until 8. Of course with small DC, not always possible, but when I can I do and it helps.

But you are also doing a lot more than me! We don't manage to do activities for DC at all. They are both at the same nursery so no separate school runs. We haven't hit peak birthday party age and we always seem to let their birthdays pass without throwing a party so don't get as many invites anyway D: I'm not currently working (do need to look into this!) I don't manage to do nearly as much socialising - I would LOVE to get out 1-2x monthly for a meal out, it's more like 4x a year at the moment - this was part of the reason for the book club etc.

I think it just is a bit groundhog day in these years when DC are very dependent - it doesn't mean you're doing nothing with your life. You're providing a stable home environment for them which is absolutely massive. If you're feeling really flustered at school drop offs etc (I also do) are you managing to get there on time or struggling at the last minute not to be late? Building in some "calm time" can really help and doing a bit of a mindfulness or deep breathing or something like this can help - I find it really hard to shift gears sometimes from my "alone mode" which I go into when I'm not with other adults (e.g. commuting, on my computer/phone) to the "adult mode" where I'm happy and relaxed about interacting and I can come across very flustered/a bit startled when someone addresses me if I'm in the "alone mode" and I always get the sense this comes across as weird. I don't know if this is masking, maybe. I also tend to be really sensitive to temperature so struggle with switching environments e.g. from inside to outside and vice versa and I feel that makes me come across a bit "off" when I first meet someone especially if I've had a longer, more sensory-overstimulating journey or if I'm generally feeling tired. Taking some vitamins that say they are good for energy also seems to help - you do need to avoid high dose vitamin C if you're on stimulant medication, you can take this at a different time of day though.

You do a lot with your kids like we only have a family day out once a month or so We limited clubs to one each kid. I tend to let the kids do their own thing in the evening, well the older ones don’t for homework with them they just have to do it . Tend to do my texting /social media whilst taking a quick break in work watching telly etc. tbh you sound incredibly focused and do things throughly with all your attention that’s why perhaps you find it hard ?? I would love to be more like that I am always on my phone whilst I should be concentrating on the kids house work etc

Sounds like you’re actually coping really well tbh!

We’re all struggling, some just hide it better than others! 😂

Take a deep breath. This is what life is for most people in 2023.

I understand that your kids get in a different time and you eat at a different time but dear lord if I had to make dinner 3 times I’d kill someone. I make one lunch and one dinner and people can reheat and eat as they please. I do make mostly stews and pastas so easy to reheat and don’t just dry up if cooked earlier. Days I’m working from home I take a little 30 min break before pick up where I make dinner so comes dinner time it’s ready. I then work 30min/1hour after little one is in bed if needed. I try to be as flexible as possible with my time.

Time to read up on trends and topics and focus on development needs to happen during your work day. If they are important to your progression make that clear to your manager and make sure there’s time monthly for you to do so or engage in activities / projects that help you do so at work.

I have a running to do list on my phone for all aspects of life including me time and workouts and it’s so much easier than having it all in my head.
But overall I try to set realistic expectations for myself and those around me of what can be expected of me week by week. Some days my kid will eat hummus cheese some pita and fruits for dinner and some days a nice hot stew. It is what it is. Some weeks I kill it at work and some weeks I am just surviving.