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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I blow this off before the first date for this reason?

43 replies

MAFS2184839 · 05/10/2023 08:14

I have been talking to a new person (I’m a lesbian, don’t know if that even matters or not but just for context) for a little while now, and we have plans for our first date this weekend.

I am very anti-drugs, because firstly I have a child to think about and I wouldn’t want anyone around her who did drugs and secondly, I grew up in an environment where I saw a lot of people’s lives destroyed by them and the damage that they can do.

So we got into a discussion last night over the phone and I asked them about their drinking habits, whether they smoked or if they did any drugs - they know my view point on it all and she was very honest and said that yes she does do the occasional bit of weed when she’s out with her friends at big raves and things like that. She is never the one to buy it, never does it alone and it’s only a once a month sort of thing for the said reason - a social thing.

She did say that if she was with someone who was very against it, that she wouldn’t disrespect them in that way and wouldn’t join in or do it anymore, but realistically would she sit there and be the only one when all of her friends are joining in?

I’m now a bit worried about continuing this or even going on a first date because is this going to be a recipe for disaster?

OP posts:

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 05/10/2023 08:18

I'm also anti drugs and no, I wouldn't cancel a date because of the occasional bit of weed. No partner is going to behave perfectly, up to you whether you can live with it or not. But at least go on the date and see if you get along.

Livinghappy · 05/10/2023 08:25

I would cancel because if you are anti drugs then it won't work for you (from my experience). I think people in the dating stages under estimate alcohol/drug usage to appear reasonable so take what she says about usage lightly.

What of she did stop when you were around...does that mean she will feel resentful later or start to go out with friends so she can have a joint.

billy1966 · 05/10/2023 08:30

Yours is a reasonable boundary, why go there?

She has been honest, she is a casual occasional user.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone who does recreational drugs.

It's your boundary, don't apologise for it.

Original poster

MAFS2184839 · 05/10/2023 08:31

@Livinghappy that’s exactly what I’m worried about… even things like will she not be able to stand strong if everyone else around her is doing it and then will it start turning into lies and doing it behind my back… I grew up watching it happen all around me so I know it’s a real possibility and I’m just not sure if I want to take that risk!

OP posts:

RaeHitsEbSire · 05/10/2023 08:36

Your outlook on this issue is fundamentally different. If she stopped doing any drugs for your sake, she might come to resent it - or as pps have said, it might turn into a situation where she deceives you about it.

It might also be a harbinger of other differences in outlook that haven't come to light yet. Casual drug use shows a casual attitude to the law. I'm not saying that's wrong - the law is not always morally right - but if you are a 'by the book' person and she isn't, that could lead to all kinds of conflicts down the line.

SmileyClare · 05/10/2023 08:50

She enjoys going to raves with her group of mates. Is that your scene?

I think you have to start with some shared interests if you’re looking for a relationship.

An odd toke of a joint is nothing to get concerned about in my view. It’s the equivalent to a sip of alcohol.

If that’s the sum of her drug taking then clearly she doesn’t have an issue with drug abuse.

SmileyClare · 05/10/2023 08:59

You’re imagining a scenario where her friends are all puffing on a joint at a party but she abstains because you’re there?

I mean would you stay at a party where drugs are being used? You sound very intolerant of anything drug related.

Assuming you’re ok with some of her friends smoking- why not believe her when she says she wouldn’t take part?

It sounds as though she can take it or leave it. Cannabis isn’t physically addictive so I’m not sure why you think she’s going to start lying and hiding stuff from you?

At this extremely non committal stage (thinking about meeting on a first date) I think you have to assume the person is telling the truth.

Poudretteite · 05/10/2023 09:08

I don't think occasionally sharing a joint at a party is life-destroying drug abuse level

SD1978 · 05/10/2023 09:11

I'd probably cancel, but I am completely happy that others wouldn't. My concern would be at a rave, and going regularly, there is (most often) uppers and downers taken. Absolutely not saying she's lying to you, but obviously this is how she spends her time once a month, and no reason why she shouldn't. I however wouldn't be happy with a partner spending their time this way with drugs, no matter how soft and non event of a drug it is to some. It's probably one of the few things I would say no to, because I won't change my stance, and I wouldn't expect a new partner to completely alter their social life for me.

senua · 05/10/2023 09:13

Janieforever · 05/10/2023 09:25

A bit of weed doesn’t bother me. How 0ld is she that you think she’s so vulnerable she’s likely to move into class a’s if offered?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2023 09:29

If you say you're anti-drug, then choose who you associate with accordingly.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2023 09:30

Just say you've been contemplating the date on X day and you think you're too different on your outlook so you're going to cancel, you wish her well.

Then delete and block. You can leave it open but it's either likely to turn into "no just give me a chance I'll show you it's not a big issue" or abuse.

Katiesaidthat · 05/10/2023 09:31

No, throw this one back. I am also anti drugs so would look elsewhere. It is your red line, don´t even go there.

RedPony1 · 05/10/2023 09:52

I'm anti drugs and wouldn't go there either. i'm also anti-smoking so if someone told me they sometimes have a few when drunk i couldn't tolerate that either

SmileyClare · 05/10/2023 09:54

I think pps have nailed it- this is your boundary. It’s pointless asking what others would do because we’re not you.

Decide where your line is and stick to it.

Would you date an ex user for example?
A person who attends events where drugs are available (raves/ festivals)?
or a person who has friends who enjoy recreational drugs?

Be clear in your mind where you draw the line.

Fieldofbrokenpromises · 05/10/2023 09:56

This is massively complicated for a first date!

Cockmigrant · 05/10/2023 09:57

I think that if you have to come to MN and ask whether you should meet someone for a date or not because of X (doesn't matter what that is) then you have sufficient doubts about the person that the answer should be an automatic no.
That's your boundary and you have that boundary in place for a reason so stick to it.
There are plenty of women around who do not smoke weed whom you would also get along with.

Smartstuffed · 05/10/2023 09:57

@Livinghappy makes a good point. She might be down-playing it all to make a better first impression.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 05/10/2023 10:00

If your stance is that rigid, you are not compatible with a semi regular drug user.

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 10:00

I'd do the first date and get a sense of her. It's just a date she doesn't owe you anything currently but I would want an understanding that if things got serious that drugs are a hard no for you

sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 10:03

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 10:00

I'd do the first date and get a sense of her. It's just a date she doesn't owe you anything currently but I would want an understanding that if things got serious that drugs are a hard no for you

Why? They're incompatible. One is anti drugs. One likes doing drugs. Someone will have to compromise. And that will build resentment.

Op - don't apologise for having boundaries. It's fine this is your boundary. And absolutely fine to say no.

GeneralLevy · 05/10/2023 10:04

I used to occasionally smoke weed. Met my husband who’s was highly against it. I really liked him and weed was just a mindless social thing occasionally, didn’t bother me at all to stop. It’s been over 20 years and no regrets.
If she’s genuinely occasional and you like her I wouldn’t dismiss a date out of hand.
However one thing- my husband has no judgement at all I used to smoke. If he did judge I’d find it very very off putting. He doesn’t class me as a certain type of person or anything, just is factual about it. If you would actually judge her as a person, rather than just ask she stopped, then it’s one to leave.

Daffodil18 · 05/10/2023 10:05

I think the fact you have had to come for advice speaks volumes. You are obviously really concerned about this so there is no point going on a date as it would never work out.

Olika · 05/10/2023 10:07

I think it's best to cancel and find a person who is as anti-drug as you.

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