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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I blow this off before the first date for this reason?

43 replies

MAFS2184839 · 05/10/2023 08:14

I have been talking to a new person (I’m a lesbian, don’t know if that even matters or not but just for context) for a little while now, and we have plans for our first date this weekend.

I am very anti-drugs, because firstly I have a child to think about and I wouldn’t want anyone around her who did drugs and secondly, I grew up in an environment where I saw a lot of people’s lives destroyed by them and the damage that they can do.

So we got into a discussion last night over the phone and I asked them about their drinking habits, whether they smoked or if they did any drugs - they know my view point on it all and she was very honest and said that yes she does do the occasional bit of weed when she’s out with her friends at big raves and things like that. She is never the one to buy it, never does it alone and it’s only a once a month sort of thing for the said reason - a social thing.

She did say that if she was with someone who was very against it, that she wouldn’t disrespect them in that way and wouldn’t join in or do it anymore, but realistically would she sit there and be the only one when all of her friends are joining in?

I’m now a bit worried about continuing this or even going on a first date because is this going to be a recipe for disaster?

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 05/10/2023 10:09

Smartstuffed · 05/10/2023 09:57

@Livinghappy makes a good point. She might be down-playing it all to make a better first impression.

While I think anyone is completely entitled to an anti drug stance, I’m not sure op knows where she is drawing the line. Is an occasional bit of blow at a party acceptable? Are the person’s fundamental views on recreational drugs an issue?You decide.

If you have the attitude (when on line dating) that everyone is lying or downplaying their drug use then I’m not sure how you can ever proceed?

There’s no point asking if you don’t believe the replies.

Montegufoni2017 · 05/10/2023 10:12

YNBU for hating drugs, IMO everyone should!
but I think maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and do the date. If she isn’t the right one then there’s no need to worry but if she is, take her at her word that she won’t do it. Make it clear from the offset it is a stern boundary for you. If she disrespects it then get rid. Won’t know unless you try.
And yes, anyone with enough confidence and willpower can sit there and not join in on something if they choose not to.

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 10:16

@sodthesodoff the op hasn't described her date as a serious drug user. My dh and his friends use to do occasionally do weed, ecstasy or cocaine. When we met I was clear it was a no go (although I wasn't fussed about the weed) he never touched it again. None of them do it anymore. They are all middle age men who occasionally reminisce about wild nights at hacienda Not everyone who takes drugs is addicted or plans to do it forever.

Not condoning drugs. I don't agree with them at all from a safety /health perspective.

MatchingPendants · 05/10/2023 10:17

You're anti drugs, she does drugs. Worse than that, she sounds like a twat in that she is swayed into doing drugs by others. That's very immature.

I don't like drugs and hate people who do things due to peer pressure when they're adults. Very unattractive.

There's a better woman out there for you.

sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 10:24

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 10:16

Not condoning drugs. I don't agree with them at all from a safety /health perspective.

I'm not saying that. But the op is quite clear she's anti drugs. Has kids. Doesn't want that lifestyle at all

Currently this potential partner does drugs. Present tense. If she were to stop it would be for the op. And that never ends well. If she wants to stop of her own accord that's fine. But changing your behaviour for another person is Ill advised.

I mean it could be about anything not just drugs. Smoking, drinking, wearing pink trousers. All I'm saying is the op is allowed to have a boundary. She doesn't need to 'give people a chance'. What about what she deems important?

Conkersinautumn · 05/10/2023 10:25

I wouldn't bother, there'll be others easier to get on with your boundaries without the doubts or changing who they are. It seems inevitably unlikely to go far

SmileyClare · 05/10/2023 10:43

MatchingPendants · 05/10/2023 10:17

You're anti drugs, she does drugs. Worse than that, she sounds like a twat in that she is swayed into doing drugs by others. That's very immature.

I don't like drugs and hate people who do things due to peer pressure when they're adults. Very unattractive.

There's a better woman out there for you.

It’s odd to infer an occasional social smoker is a weak twat who buckles under peer pressure.

Like you say, we’re talking about a grown woman.

I gladly accept a glass of wine at a party but don’t buy bottles of the stuff to drink at home.
That doesn’t mean I’m immature and swayed by peer pressure?

It means I like an occasional glass of wine with friends.
I could easily not drink if I was dating someone who couldn’t be around alcohol.

Id view occasional (opportune) cannabis smoking in the same light.

Middleagedmeangirls · 05/10/2023 10:57

It's interesting to see a thread with such an even mix of opinions.

I don't do drugs but wouldn't rule out dating someone who was a an occasional weed smoker (as long as they didn't do it in the house because it stinks). But you clearly feel very strongly about drug use so it's reasonable that this is a no go area for you.

I wouldn't go on a date with her because she goes to raves. That's so far off my idea of a good time that I would think we wouldn't be compatible.

You are under no obligation to meet her - you can change your mind for any reason at all. You don't have to justify it to her or to us.

Rosiee29 · 05/10/2023 11:01

An occasional bit of weed with mates is fine, it's not a dependency and it'll be easy for her to stop doing for your sake. I wouldn't worry at all. Don't make a big deal out of it right now. I'm the exact same as you, I hate drugs and I've seen what they do to people, I used to do them heavily in my late teens. My partner knows this and when we first got together he would still do the occasional bump or smoke a bit of weed when he was out if it was given. Over time, he's just stopped altogether. As our relationship has become more serious, he's not really going out drinking at weekends as much, because we spend them together being wholesome and making pizzas lol. Again, if it's not a dependency don't worry.

If she buys it, worry. The instigator of the group is usually the one buying it. Good luck I hope it goes well!!!

GingerIsBest · 05/10/2023 11:05

I don't do drugs but couldn't care less if a friend/partner smokes a bit of weed at the occasional party. I could not be with someone who uses anything harder. But I'm also not that stressed overall so while I would not be with someone who takes cocaine for example, I don't particularly mind being at a party where other people are or hearing other people talk about it.

But that's me.

In your case, you have a much stronger reaction to any drug taking, reference to it etc. So this is not a relationship for you because even if she never smokes weed again, her friends do. She'll be in situations where people are smoking. And you clearly have an issue with that. That's fine. There are lots of people who feel the way you do, so you should go find one of those people.

gannett · 05/10/2023 11:22

Overriding your own red lines is a recipe for disaster when dating. Both of you are guilty of this.

Your red line is a hard anti-drugs stance, even occasional recreational weed, and it sounds like you'd disapprove morally of people who do it. Your prerogative but it means a recreational weed smoker is not for you.

Her red line should be to not go out with someone who will judge her and her friends for smoking weed. She should not be considering altering her enjoyable and reasonable social life for a woman she hasn't even met yet.

Cakeorchocolate · 05/10/2023 11:26

It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

FridaySpark · 05/10/2023 11:56

I would never date someone who I knew used drugs so I wouldn't bother going on a date with her.

She sounds like a loser if she's the sort to flip flop on her views and what she does depending on who she is with. I don't like people like that and wouldn't want someone like that around my kids if it did work out between the two of you.

There's plenty of women out there, don't settle for someone that theres already a concern with before you've even met. Raise the bar.

Livinghappy · 05/10/2023 13:56

If you have the attitude (when on line dating) that everyone is lying or downplaying their drug use then I’m not sure how you can ever proceed

You can take a binary approach - if you take drugs or smoke, not interested. I would date anyone who said they don't smoke often.

ManateeFair · 05/10/2023 14:48

Personally, I don't think it's ever healthy to start a relationship on the condition that the other person has to change in order to date you. You are anti-drugs. She likes the occasional bit of weed.

If you think you can handle the fact that she smokes now and again, date her. If you don't think you can make that exception, then don't date her. Either of those would be totally reasonable.

What would be unreasonable would be to say that she'll only be good enough for you if she stops doing something she enjoys with her friends as a social activity. She shouldn't have to change to suit you.

To be honest, I don't think you sound very well-suited at all really. You're a parent with a child to look after, and you're vehemently anti-drugs, excessive drinking etc. She is someone who goes to 'big raves' on a very regular basis with a big group of friends where everyone smokes weed together. You have completely incompatible lifestyles and interests from the sound of it. The weed isn't the only issue here.

coxesorangepippin · 05/10/2023 14:54

The big raves comment would put me off more tbh

HoneyBadgerMom · 05/10/2023 15:00

Dating is for finding out if you're compatible. If drugs are a big issue for you, that is your standard and you have every right to it. She seems like a good person because she told you the truth, but the truth is that she doesn't feel as strongly about it as you do.

At this point, it's not costing either of you a lot to walk away. The longer you stay together, the harder it may be. You'll become emotionally invested, and so will she. Depending on how long it lasts, your child could also become quite fond of her, and vice versa.

If recreational drugs are a hard line for you, and you know they're not a hard line for her, it's risky. IMO, think hard about whether you want to take a chance knowing that even before the first date there is already a red flag.

Cowlover89 · 05/10/2023 15:02

It's just a bit of weed.

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