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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to bring this up with sister

37 replies

0001010001a2 · 05/10/2023 07:45

So my sister is always filming my toddler son. It's usually her having a conversation with him, asking lots of questions etc which winds him up as he is very aware when someone has their camera on him. She'll push him to say funny things and I know she's sharing these videos with her group chats. I have a few problems with this.

  • Hate the idea of my son potentially feeling like there's always a camera in his face
  • Feels icky to me that she is using him for 'content' for her group chats, not to have a genuine moment with him
  • I don't know exactly what is being shared on these chats
  • It usually ends in an outburst from him because he feels like he's being laughed at

Maybe I am being OTT about this but it's really bothering me and I don't know how to approach this without seeming really precious/sensitive.

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 05/10/2023 07:56

The simple answer is to stop spending time with someone who sees your son as a zoo animal rather than a family member to love and cherish.’

If for some reason you have to turn a simple “Lizzie - stop filming him - you know he hates it.” should work.

If that doesn’t work (and you still want to spend time with someone who chooses to make your son unhappy) then think about how you can ruin the video for her. “Oh Lizzie - stop filming him - people are going to think you are some kind of paedophile”. “Lizzie - do you still have that varucxa btw?” “Lizzie - you really are a horrible aunt - you know he hates being filmed!”

StarlightLady · 05/10/2023 07:57

How about “l don’t want to sound precios/sensitive but …”?

RingALingADingDong · 05/10/2023 07:59

Just tell her to bloody stop, christ she's upsetting your son for her amusement
Start protecting him

GabriellaMontez · 05/10/2023 08:00

"Stop filming him. He doesn't like it."

Should do it. If she doesn't like that, it's OK, she can leave.

Her feelings aren't more important than your sons (or yours).

Original poster
0001010001a2 · 05/10/2023 08:37

I just want her to understand why it's wrong/weird. She's quite young and a bit clueless. However I think she would get it if I knew how to put it across nicely. Obviously I don't want to be rude or fall out over this! But I understand I need to be firm

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 05/10/2023 08:40

I wouldn’t like this, I’d just say exactly what you’ve written on your post, it’s completely reasonable. I have a much younger sister, sometimes things need spelling out abit more but she’s often grateful of the guidance.

Original poster
0001010001a2 · 05/10/2023 08:42

That's not a simple answer though is it? Stopping seeing family is really extreme. If I thought it were that simple I wouldn't be asking for advice on here.

Yes I probably need to grow a pair and just tell her bluntly to stop but I find that kind of thing difficult.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 05/10/2023 08:44

I know it’s difficult op, but you need to stop this. Do it whatever way you can. It doesn’t matter if she understands or not, you just need to make sure she stops.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/10/2023 08:46

You're not being sensitive at all - you need to bluntly tell to either stop or get the fuck out of your house. She is using her position of power over him (as an adult) to get him to act for her amusement - it's horrible.

Your toddler feels like he's being laughed at because he is being laughed at. Poor kid to be exposed to such horrible behaviour from an adult who's meant to care for him.

He needs to see his mum protect and defend his boundaries while he's still too young to do it himself.

FofB · 05/10/2023 08:46

Easy. Whenever she is filming these silly video's, pick him up and walk away.

You absolutely do not know where or how she is sharing them- surely you've seen the viral video's of kids doing funny/awful things?

It's absolutely your responsibility to intervene- especially if she is goading him to get a reaction. He's not an circus act.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/10/2023 08:47

Stopping seeing family is extreme, yes.

But throwing a strop because you are not being allowed to taunt and bait a toddler on film would also be extreme. It's not you that started this.

Bippityboppityboo67 · 05/10/2023 08:48

She needs to learn about consent. If your son doesn't want to be filmed she needs to respect his choice.
She is not respecting his boundaries because he is a child.
Explain to her that this is wrong.

SameToo · 05/10/2023 08:53

I’ve had this conversation with family and older DD.

I just said I don’t want her image shared on social media or videos / pictures of her sent outside family chats as you have no control of where they end up. I also highlighted that it’s not fair on both my children to have their image distributed without their consent. I have one sister who is prolific on social media, rest of the family not so much. She now doesn’t share any pictures of either of my children and removed any she had previously shared from her socials. There was no drama, I was just very matter of fact that this was my stand point and they respected my wishes and understood why I had asked.

CaineRaine · 05/10/2023 08:56

“Hey sis, would you mind stopping filming him. Don’t mind you doing so if you’re filming him doing something cute but lately it feels like you’re making him perform for your amusement and I’m not comfortable with that”. Then intervene / remove him from the situation every time she crosses the line.

Original poster
0001010001a2 · 05/10/2023 08:59

@SameToo @CaineRaine thank you, really helpful comments

OP posts:
Caledoniadreaming · 05/10/2023 09:05

You are his advocate- absolutely tell her to stop filming him, especially if you're not even sure where this "content" is going. Also, he is not a performing monkey.

If your sister can't accept that, then a stronger conversation may need to be had, but first just saying, "please don't film/photograph him for your own amusement" should suffice. Even if she is a bit younger, maybe a reminder of what goes on the internet doesn't usually come off would help.

TizerorFizz · 05/10/2023 09:14

@0001010001a2 I hate to break it to you, but throughout his life there will be far more difficult conversations where you need to stand up for your DS. So you do need to start now. You take control of the photos. Say she cannot film him or make him do things for her entertainment. It’s manipulative and it’s not kind . Remove him if she doesn’t stop. She would be very stubborn if she didn’t respect your wishes.

littleripper · 05/10/2023 09:21

Just tell her to stop. If she gets annoyed film her and laugh.

Original poster
0001010001a2 · 05/10/2023 09:24

@littleripper 😂

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 05/10/2023 09:24

Yes I probably need to grow a pair and just tell her bluntly to stop but I find that kind of thing difficult

He’s your child, he’s too little to advocate for himself and she’s winding him up and humiliating him and then sharing the footage with other people without his consent or yours. You are his parent and you need to do your bloody job and stop someone treating your child like a performing chimp. It’s vile.

She’s your sister, ffs, not your boss. You can tell your own sister to have some respect for your child and for you. Worst case scenario is she has a bit of a strop. So what?

SecondUsername4me · 05/10/2023 09:28

I'd just say "didn't Mum/Dad/the school ever teach you about consent? Stop shoving a camera in my son face"

Lovingitallnow · 05/10/2023 09:30

I wouldn't have a big conversation. I'd just say the next time stop filming him, he doesn't like it. That's sufficient enough reason. If she persists then say "Lizzie I've already said stop filming him, he doesn't like it, would you like someone else filming you when you've already been told to stop". You're making assumptions about the group texts so I wouldn't being that up, but I'd be tempted to ask where are you even sending these?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/10/2023 09:33

CaineRaine · 05/10/2023 08:56

“Hey sis, would you mind stopping filming him. Don’t mind you doing so if you’re filming him doing something cute but lately it feels like you’re making him perform for your amusement and I’m not comfortable with that”. Then intervene / remove him from the situation every time she crosses the line.

I would drop the "Don’t mind you doing so if you’re filming him doing something cute" from this.

'Cute' is subjective, and the bottom line is that you want her to stop all of it. Also, she's shown you that she can't be trusted to know where to draw the line.

Also, I wouldn't be phrasing it as a request ("would you mind...?" is a request that implies she has the option to object). This is the first of many times you'll need to advocate for your child so you need to practice being assertive and firm.

LadyDanburysHat · 05/10/2023 09:33

If she starts just remove your son and say 'Sis he really doesn't like that, please don't'

Original poster
0001010001a2 · 05/10/2023 09:34

@10HailMarys you're right, it is vile & I hate it. She's mostly doing it for the lols and attention on the group chat.

@Lovingitallnow no I know she's putting them on the group chat because I've seen her do it multiple times. I know the people on the chat but that doesn't make it any better.

OP posts: