to wonder if you have a friend you can tell everything to?

[justholdingon]

I feel so lonely tonight -- family crisis. There is no one, not even my husband (especially not my husband, perhaps) to whom I could explain all the elements of my grief tonight. Maybe I am just very bad at trusting other people?

Do you have anyone, friend, family, just anyone not paid to be there like a psychiatrist or sworn to secrecy like a Catholic confessor, to whom you feel safe telling pretty much any grief --

I mean, like, how your husband gave you herpes and you're still not divorcing him,
or your parents are both dying and you've now tested positive for the same disease,
or your children have done something really terrible...?

I have 2 friends like this.

Also my DP.

Why can't you speak to your husband?

Oh, OP, you may not have anyone you can be honest with, but you can be honest. It's ok. There's nothing so bad that you can't tell people. Really.

Did your husband give you herpes? I gave my ex-husband herpes, I didn't even know I had it, turns out I was a carrier. It's nothing to be ashamed about. If he picked it up from sex outside your marriage, that's on him, not you.

Your parents are dying? And you've tested positive for the same disease? Well, we've all got to die from something, and you've probably only got the same as one, not both.

Your children have done something terrible? Well, there's only really a few absolutely terrible things people can do. The rest is just noise.

Is it any of those things? They're not really so bad.

I could totally tell my husband anything at all and receive understanding and support. But he died. I now have two good friends who I think would be there for me if needed.

I can tell all my friends everything, like the things that you have given as examples. I don't have that many friends but I don't really do small talk. I wouldn't have friends that I couldn't confide in, I wouldn't consider them friends, just 'people I know'

@justholdingon I do. I’ve had a terrible time in the last 5 years with family and I don’t think I could’ve carried on without the support of friends. I had no choice but to seek support or I’d have gone mad. Before all of that happened, I think I felt a bit like you are feeling now though but that was menopause-related feelings of despair.

Are you ok? Do you have support IRL? Can we help?

I could tell my sister or my closest friend anything, absolutely anything and they wouldn't judge me because they have known me so long they can understand why I might do/behave/react certain ways where other people might not get it because they don't know my life journey and experiences that have brought me to that point. We tell each other all the dark thoughts we have, all the bad stuff going on and truthfully it's usually a case of "Fuck, I think/do that too"!

I've fucked up a lot in my life but they've always supported me no matter what and I'm so thankful for that.

I think it's sad you feel you can't confide in your partner. Is there a reason for that? is he disinterested, judgmental or something else?

I used to have a friend like this, for 35 years. She dumped me 2 years ago, and I don't understand. It has broken my heart.

OP, I am so sorry you don't have a friend to confide in, and I know the pain of having no one you can trust to understand. It is a very lonely feeling.

I could tell DH anything, and be understood. I have other friends who I could tell most things to, perhaps they would each believe I'd tell them anything, but I have a tendency to compartmentalise. If I've told someone about health issues, then I'll pick someone else for family issues. Generally I just don't discuss significant issues except with DH though, because he's always there so it's done.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, and I hope you feel calm and happy again soon. It's anonymous here and the are a lot of helpful people, might it help to talk about your problems? Relationships, health, chat and other branches can be a bit gentler than AIBU, so you might find them more supportive.

I'd tell dh but I need to get my thoughts organised before I can put them into coherent sentences and explain what I mean so I like to write everything in sla diary or journal first. I tell that more than I tell anyone or anything else.

l’m in my 40s. I have a sister and 3 close friends who l feel l can share anything with. On reflection, l don’t have many friends, I’m not a “friend collector” as it were, but the ones l do have are lovely.

When one if them stays over, we often co-sleep, although l have a spare room. Don’t read things into this that are not there, it is not a wild lesbian orgy!! Sometimes the closeness and the pre-sleep conversations are special.

Posting with some trepidation, because I’m not sure how this can help you OP.

I have 4 friends and a sister I could share everything with. I’m very lucky in that respect. Husband maybe 98% 🤣

You can talk to the Samaritans. They are not experts on trauma, or counsellors or anything like that, just people who care about other people, and try their best to be supportive

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

I keep most things to myself, it's better for me that way.

I have shared things with people in the past and been let down, so to avoid that, I tell nobody.

This. I have some very close friends but there's no one I tell everything to.

My ex partner who has become a very good friend and companion, and my best mate of 27 years.

Other than my husband the answer is no.
Tried to change things at the beginning of the year...you know all the quotes that pop up,speak out my door is always open....well I admitted that I was struggling,in a low way...my friends reply was you should have said,well I am saying now....not seen her since.
Wont be making that mistake again.

Sorry OP
Its heartbreaking when you feel like you have no one to turn to xx

Yes I do.

However there’s that trope about who could you call in the middle of the night and I would only do that in the case of extreme medical emergency. I have many friends but I couldn’t bring myself to disturb them at night to talk about my problems.

As above, Samaritans will listen and help you explore your feelings and options at any time of the day or night.

No, I don’t have anyone I can be that honest with.

But my life didin't go AT ALL as it supposed to go, and if MN is anything to go by, people would judge the fuck out of me. So I keep my mouth shut.

I don’t even have a hisband (part of the problem and why I am so different from others), why can’t you talk to him, op?
You’d think that would be the person you should be able to talk.

This is me. My friends and I are supportive of each other, but the older I get the more I know that I don't want to share everything.

Just one. She's the best person in the world. We met in a support group for survivors of trafficking and we can tell each other anything, no judgement or fear of it going any further.

DH, my sister though she is currently seriously ill so I would not burden her with anything stressful and one friend who I have known for 35 years. Sadly a couple of my friends who I had this sort of closeness to have died in the last 5 years, they were in their forties and early fifties.

I don’t have any really close female friends anymore, just friends who we text now and again ‘everything okay?’ type thing. My dp however is my best friend. I tell him everything. He laughs with me, holds me tight when I cry, and gives me advice (whether I like it sometime sis a different matter 🤣)

Just one. Which is all I need, I’m generally quite happy to share lesser details with all and sundry but I have just one ‘would help me bury a body, no questions asked’ absolute best friend in the world. She lives hours away and I don’t see her anywhere near as often as I’d like to but I love the bones of her and I hope we’ll always have what we have ❤️

No. I can talk to my husband about a lot, but there’s quite a lot that he just doesn’t get. And he does that male thing of jumping in with a solution when I haven’t asked for one. And I have a couple of friends I could trust to keep things to themselves, but they tend to hold onto things and still be bringing them up months later when I’d rather just move on. It comes from a good place, but I don’t find it helpful.