To still be angry my school friend died 50 years later

[hateherfordying]

Coming up to the 50th anniversary of my best friend's death in a hit and run. We were 15. I feel like I will never get out from under the shadow of this. Everything I have ever had, O levels, A levels, degree, career, marriage, home, children, grandchildren, holidays, is spoilt because I don't know why I've got it and she hasn't. I think of her and feel angry every day

Not sure the circumstances but it is a horrific thing to go through and for any of us that have lost friends/family under similar circumstances find life bittersweet.

Big hugs and if you need to I would try and speak to someone about how you can shift anger into being thankful for what you have. It isn't easy and the anger never truly goes away, but better that than it eating you up.

Understandable that you’d feel strong emotions even all this time later.

Might it help if you could write letters / talk ‘to’ your friend about how you feel? Could be a good thing to get the feelings out.

Could you do something in her memory or something in tribute to her ?

Thanks everyone for replying. I do quite a lot in her memory, and talk to her sometimes too. I just have never been able to move on in my heart. I don't know why not

I'm the same, I've lost lots of friends and family young, this is why l get the rage when you hear so many shallow vain women on here fretting about a wrinkle or two.
My husband never even got to see his children grow up and l feel guilty that l did.

Have you spoken to someone for support OP? I’m so sorry for your loss and for the injustice of your friend’s life being cut short.

Imho I think it is unusual all these years later to feel like your life has been overshadowed by this loss and to this extent. That’s not to diminish or undermine your legitimate feelings. I just wonder if there is a way to come to a place of acceptance and make it something you can visit and reflect on rather than thoughts and feelings you are consumed by.

Did you feel you were able to grieve at the time?

Again, so sorry to hear of your friend. X

Have you considered that you might have PTSD? Your grief and anger sounds all encompassing. Speak to a professional. It's not too late. Even if it's not PTSD a counsellor or therapist might help you to unravel and improve.

Are you able to be in touch with any of her family members?
They would probably be so happy to hear that you think of her and care so deeply for her.
I don't think you will ever stop feeling bereft but it may ease some of the pain.
This also won't help, but it says a lot about the quality of friend and person you are that you have held onto to her memory for all these years.
Very sorry for you loss

Sometimes life is so randomly cruel and there's nothing we can do about it. Sorry for your loss op.

Was the driver ever brought to justice?

My school friend was hit and killed by a motorbike age 17. We are all now 50 but I have never forgotten him and I think the fact that we still think of him is tribute to how special he was. I take comfort from that and make sure to live my life to the fullest in his memory ❤️

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend but its really not healthy or normal to feel like your whole life is spoilt because of it. We all lose people, we grieve and move past it.

What a wonderful, loyal friend you have been, OP. It does sound very painful for you though. I wonder if some therapy might help you to live as richly as you do without the undertow of guilt and grief. You will probably still think of your friend every day, but perhaps less painfully.

I think you have survivor's guilt. I have been there. Counselling really helped me.

I actually think it’s not unusual to feel really angry with someone for dying! Especially in circumstances like an accident where it feels very preventable.

How could you possibly think this way an appropriate thing to post?!

When something like that happens to you it alters your life forever. I don’t think you get over it, you just manage to live with the pain.

This sounds like it could be PTSD, if you’re in the UK your local NHS talking therapies might be able to help. They can usually offer an assessment within a few weeks and you can usually ring up and refer yourself.

Sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some help in this situation and hope the advice here helps. X

Sorry for your loss. I think the the loss of a young person and the unfairness of it would always resonate.

Might be worth considering if there is something you can do on a practical level in their memory? When we takeaction it helps direct the energy which is currently causing you distress.

Your friend would want you to have a lovely life. Life and aging is a privilege she was denied.
Why not see a counsellor? It seems unusual to carry such anger and distress for your whole life.

When I was at school, 3 or 4 people my age (12 to 16) died, and although it was upsetting at the time, I barely gave them any thought once I hit my 20s.

These were people your age but were they your best friend? Did they die at the hands of someone else and you never felt as though justice was done for what happened? Just because you reacted one way it doesn't mean someone else shouldn't react differently and I imagine the situations possibly aren't even comparable.

I had a hell of a shit home life, my best friend stuck by me through everything despite her suffering in some ways for being my friend. We met at about 7 years old and over 30 years later we still talk several times a week. My gratitude for her friendship at the darkest moments in my life is beyond measure, it's beyond any relationship I've had with family members or any other relationship and had she passed away in similar circumstances to the OP I'd never have got over the loss and I too would be feeling angry.

OP you've had some good advice regarding PTSD and getting some help in dealing with this. I know it's cliche to say this but I don't think your friend would want what happened casting a shadow over your life in this way. I know if something happened to me I'd want my friend to live a joyful life and do all the things I am no longer able to. I'm so sorry that you lost your dear friend in such tragic circumstances 💐

Survivors guilt. It’s very common in freak accidents where some people survive and are completely unscathed and others don’t. A good counsellor would help I’m sure.

Yanbu. I lost my dearest friend in a hit and run at 17. I was only thinking today how much it impacted me and my friendship group as we headed into adulthood, you can see the trauma playing out in some of the decisions we made.

Counselling has been helping me but the reality is those scars run deep.

However, i don't think a silver lining is I do feel grateful for every extra year of life I get, I know it can't be taken for granted

DBs BF went fishing without him once, when he was 15, and he drowned and was found 4 days later. Horrific. DB has complex trauma, it sounds like you do too. Have you had help?