Teenagers are nice

[CancertheCrab]

Why do so many parents on here accept horrible behaviour from teens and say it is normal, and so many other people join in and agree with them?

It becomes such an echo chamber of agreeing that teens are moody, unpleasant, selfish, etc, and this is just not the case

Like adults almost all teens are nice, kind, caring people, and selfish and bad behaviour is not normal, and should not be accepted

I think the majority of teens are nice,my ds 14 and his friends would do anything for anyone despite having a drug addict for a dad who missed his early years and took years again to completely earn his trust back I'm very proud of the going man he's become,he won't make the mistakes I've made, no teenager or adult is perfect but its doing the best we can and being proud parents

I've been wondering this myself lately, as DM to a currently-not-very-pleasant 14yo DD.

I'm constantly wondering where I've gone wrong. She's a lovely girl, most of the time, but at times she's hugely disrespectful to me and DH.

I can only attribute it to us spoiling her so obviously take full responsibility. I just wish there was a way I could un-do what's been done.

I feel like a total failure

I had two. One was a pleasant and easy soul who worked hard, played sport and was no trouble.

The other could be an absolute pain. Rude, difficult and beyond messy. Could also behave well when he wanted to and had many good points. Oh, and lazy, getting school work done was torture. We still loved him dearly and no, we didn’t just tolerate it but actually it’s not that easy. He was very difficult full stop. We never stopped trying and didn’t accept his breathtaking rudeness but it didn’t alter much.

Luckily all that changes and I have two lovely youngish adults who are doing well and we now have a great relationship. It’s true that teens can be bloody hard work.

I loved the teen years. Yes they can be challenging but I have learnt so much from my teens and their friends. They are funny, interesting and kind and principled. We haven’t had to deal with drugs, sex, vaping, swearing at home though and they have finally both left for uni.

I think it’s a self-fulfilling thing here. All the cliches about teens being awful and people allowing and enabling it. Yes they need space. But they also need boundaries. I was pretty firm with my expectations and they behaved respectfully overall. And so did all the teens of my friends. Great company.

In some cultures there isn’t this automatic excusing of terrible teen behaviour so it appears much less.

I think teens are fab overall and hate the bad press they get. My fave years of parenting by far.

Some have raging hormones and can't handle that. Some have SEN. Some are just like that and take some navigation.
Like you said some are not.

I work with teens. They can all be difficult in their own right. Doesn't make them bad people.

You know this is down to a lot of luck figuring? That they didn't have mental health issues etc.

People put it down to supreme parenting it oftem isnt. It's sheer dam luck.
( obviously extremes to this neglect etc)

Non negotiables are a fallacy, every individual has their own situation. You know when you’ve pushed someone too far as they push back so hard, as it’s unmanageable. So anyone who has a non negotiable in place only does so because the person can tolerate it and some kids can't for what ever reason.

It's that simple.

Agreed that luck and privilege play a part.

But there are low expectations of teens in the UK, there is no doubt about it.

Lots of teens are nice. Lots of teens aren't so nice. Your perspective will depend on which teens you've met. I'm a secondary school teacher. I've worked in schools which would give you the impression that the majority of teenagers are lovely, and in other schools which would do the opposite.

I work with teenagers and on the whole they are absolutely brilliant. Sometimes they can be challenging though! I'm fairly wary of large groups. I also think your own kids really push your boundaries though!

Can I ask what the general consensus is regarding tidiness in a teen? I know in the grand scheme of things this is probably a minor issue but DD treats her room like a cesspit, despite my constant nagging/negotiations/threats of removing privileges (maybe my inconsistent tactics are to blame?!)

Is this blatant disrespect? Or should I shrug it off as on of those teen things?

My own mum used to give off at me for leaving coffee mugs in my room!

All my kids were moody, unpleasant, selfish, and, frankly, unlikeable, at some point in their teens. One of them was very difficult to like for about three years. Didn't stop me loving them, and didn't stop them from loving me and occasionally climbing into bed with me to talk about the things that delighted them or worried them.

Even at their worst they followed most of our few house rules. Put in a reasonable amount of effort at school. Worked conscientiously at their outside jobs. Were polite to extended family and to people outside the family. Had messy bedrooms.

And when they came out the other side of the hell-years, they all said at some point that they recognised our consistent boundaries made sense, even if they had hated them at the time.

My neighbour’s kids are teens and they’re so lovely. Just really friendly, polite, adorable little oddballs.

I think being a teenager is hard and miserable a lot of the time but fundamentally most of them are still good humans just trying to steer their ships through tempestuous water.

Well they can be fundamentally nice, good people who will grow up to be wonderful adults but still have moments where they're utterly obnoxious and vile.

Such a smug post, if you have teenagers that won't confirm and aren't scared of authority you have your work cut out, these challenges can be nothing to do with parenting, what if a parent dies? The other parent then had to deal with the fallout.

I don't have children but I have 3 niece's and the oldest is 13. I can see the change in her immediately, despite my brother being a strict, controling arse.
Like me , she was always respectful and a very well behaved parent pleaser - then also like me, she lost her natural fear of her authoritarian parents almost overnight.
I know hope it's just hormones because I became lovable once I was out of this stage.

Yup, it's almost like teenagers and children are small humans with their own feelings, emotions and struggles.

I think people forget how hard it is being a teenager a lot of the time, big social pressure without the equivalent social skills, figuring out relationships etc, puberty, hormones, figuring out who you are, exams, bombardment of social media... it's a lot - not even taking into account teenagers who are being bullied/ family breakdown/ struggling with mental health etc etc

I work with 'troubled' teens and they're all actually really lovely when you understand what's going on for them as well.

Underneath it all I think they're all doing the best they can in a really uncertain and unstable period of their lives.

I am on my 5th (and last) teen and she is a massive pain in the arse. The first was the same, the 3 in between were fine, you just can't generalise.

People quite often post because they have a problem.
Lots of my friends have lovely teens, they are probably not on here posting about them.
It should be ok to post about teen problems and for others to join in if they have experienced same.
Posting about difficulties in the baby/toddler years seems to be acceptable, but not everyone has an easy ride with teens, maybe have a bit more compassion for those that don't.

One of mine is a dream, the other for the most part is fine but catch her the week before her period is due or when she is going through a rough time with friends/at school and you know all about it. Overall they are both good kids and the worst I get from dd is some eye rolling and cheek with a smidgen of self centred ungratefulness but I really think a lot of it is the luck of the draw.

As a lot of people have said teens can be complicated. I wouldn't want to be one again. It is a very difficult and complex world they have to navigate. I have 2 teens and they have their difficulties, it can be tough at times parenting teens, I try to pick my battles with them.

Well they can be fundamentally nice, good people who will grow up to be wonderful adults but still have moments where they're utterly obnoxious and vile

This! I remember my own teen years well, I was mostly nice and hard working and kind but I was, at times, a bratty, moody, snarky, and very naughty little horror.

They're like any kids, my toddler is nice and funny and sweet. And also demanding and tantrummy and whiney. They're learning. It's hard.

tbf, OP, people without problems don't have much to say.

I like teenagers too, btw. Even the difficult ones.

Mine are nice. They have their moments, but then so do I. I think sometimes people hold children/teenagers to a higher standard than any adults. They aren't allowed to have stroppy days or be in a bad mood. Just be perfect all of the time.
Mine have never got in trouble and are loving, open and honest. They still enjoy spending time as a family and are very kind.
According to some on mumsnet though, they are all watching pornhub. Also, if you choose not to have weekends away with your friends, then you are a stifling mother and your teens will surely rebel and shun you as soon as they are able 😆

I like my teen. He was a horrific baby so I feel I'm owed an easy time by him! Problem is I also had a very easy baby, so knowing my luck, he will be a PITA!

A lot of self-congratulation here.
It’s not always a self-fulfilling prophesy or good parenting. If you have enjoyed parenting teens and have not had to deal with more serious issues, be grateful.

I would probably have been the same had the teenage years not hit me like a lightning bolt. I would never expected to be dealing with the sort of issues I am. I inevitably feel like a useless parent and posts like this don’t help.

Of course teenagers can be nice, but for some it is total turmoil and it will be those closest who will suffer the fallout.

Please count your blessings before offering condescending answers to teenage happiness.