To find the work life balance so difficult when I’m only part time?!

[Mimzi1]

I’m really struggling to get the right work life balance / feel like I can enjoy life. I constantly feel overwhelmed but I feel like I shouldn’t feel this overwhelmed. I work 3 days a week, I work either 7am - 4.30pm or 8.30am - 5.30pm depending on my husbands shifts. My husband works shifts and is sometimes off in the week but works around 50 hours per week. My little one is at nursery on the days I work and then with me on the days I’m off / the weekend. My husband works in emergency services so he works long hours and it’s very unpredictable, sometimes he’s off on time but sometimes it can be 4/5 hours late off, it’s not his fault and it’s a hard job but a job he enjoys his job which is important. My mum comes over once a month, we don’t get any other help with childcare aside from nursery on my 3 working days. I just feel constantly over run, exhausted like I’m spinning all the time. As soon as I finish work I’m back in mum mode, once my little one goes to bed, I’m cleaning up, organising things for the next chaotic day. I was talking to my mum about it on the phone today and she just said - That’s life, we all do it. It is life and you do have to do it , there’s no choice but it annoyed me. My mum didn’t have to work when I was growing up, my dad was home in the evenings and weekend. I don’t think it’s like that these days, I think most mums do have to work. Sorry it’s a rant but I just want to know how do people do it, any tips, where am I going wrong ?!? I’m stressing over how it will all work when my little one goes to school as that will be even harder as nursery is much better for hours. Do you rely on childminders / after school clubs?

Can you afford to add an extra morning session to nursery pnce a week? Would give you a few hrs of focused time a week?
Must be hard with husband hours and schedule.

I'd also look into doing 1/2 AL (if you wfh/local) on a nursery day once every couple months on either a NWD for your hubby or just solo to have a little you/we time

My friend also approached her nursery staff to see if any would do the odd night of baby sitting as she had no local family support

That’s really good idea, I do work from
home 2 of the days so I could do an afternoon off here and there, not taking a full day out but even an afternoon to myself would be something to look forward to. I tend not to use annual leave as I keep for ‘just incase’ my little one can’t go to nursery due to illness, but I do have annual leave and I shouldn’t feel the worry of ‘I need to keep it just in case’. I do find it really hard with the shifts but he loves his job and I know he won’t ever change it and I won’t ask him too. Both sets of our grandparents are in the next town along, a 15/20 minute journey. My husbands parents have never babysat, my parents have baby sat 3 or 4 times in the last 3 years. I don’t want to sound ungrateful or moany, I know it’s not the role of the grandparents to have to help out but before getting pregnant, both sets were SO keen to be grandparents, couldn’t wait, constantly asking. Now they have a grandchild, she’s like a trophy grandchild. They want all the photos from us but rarely see her, tell all their friends about how lovely she is and even ask when we are having more children! I find it crazy, really crazy. I tell my mum I’m struggling but she doesn’t really get it. I don’t tend my MIL because she definitely wouldn’t get it. We both recently had a sickness bug , little one didn’t thankfully but even then, no ask of, can I drop anything off for you, are you ok doing nursery pick ups etc. Maybe my expectations should lower but if I was retired like both sets of parents, I would love to help my daughter out, I’d want to play that role? I wonder if Covid played a part in it, they had less time bonding as grandparents in the early days with lockdowns? Or am I just a mug?! 🙈

You're normal. Everyone I know who works part-time feels overwhelmed. It often ends up being more frantic than working full-time. There's often too much to do for the time available. Urgent situations pile up and colleagues/customers get impatient.

The other thing is that your husband is very busy, so you'll be dealing with just about everything at home, right?

Birch101's idea about adding an extra nursery session is great. If there's no way to afford that, what about getting a babysitter who can look after your child while you do other things (like work longer hours so you can have time off on another day)? I'd also think about whether there are any duties you can give away at work if you're feeling swamped there.

All that said, if you could possibly afford to go to two days per week at work or two and a half, just temporarily (until the child is a little older), maybe try that.

I agree, it is much harder working part time , you do feel like you are cramming in full time work … but with part time pay sadly.

I don’t think financially I can reduce my hours, ideally I’d love to, I think it would help me get the balance. I pick up everything at home, it is overwhelming and I do feel like a second priority with my husbands job, not his fault, just the nature of it. Even now he’s due off at midnight , I’ve text to ask if he’s due off on time tonight and he’s text to say he’s likely to be on another 3-4 hours. This isn’t out of the blue though. I’d say he’s off on time 10% of the time. Tomorrow morning he’s off and I’m off so we planned a morning out together for a walk and picnic but now I feel sad about it because I know I’ll be up early with our little one, he will need to catch up on sleep and if we do go he will be tired. It’s just difficult, I feel really trapped sometimes. I support his job but I do feel like it takes it’s toll massively on me. It’s not about money but it’s not well paid either, not for the hours and risks in the job. Then on top of that I feel I have to work long days too. I’m sure it will all even out one day but at the moment, it’s tough …

@Mimzi1 what does your DH actually do? I’m afraid you’re being served some bullshit there, 4/5h overrun is very very very unlikely, and it might occur once in 10 years. Where is he?

He needs to address his work/life balance, you’re effectively raising a kid on your own.

The juggle is hard but this sounds unnecessarily hard, especially with just one child, due to your partners working pattern.
Could your partner cut down a day and you increase a day? His work sounds intense, perhaps he could benefit from more time with your child?
Could you explain clearly to your parents and in laws how overstretched you are and directly ask for some help? Knowing that you need it might kick them into action!
Make sure you make some occasional time for yourself to do something you love. Meet a friend, go to the gym etc. It really helps clear the head.

And my big tip, let housework and cleaning slide. Just do the basics.

I'm not in the same scenario as you but we have busy jobs, two kids and very little help. It's hard but you have to make it work without becoming totally exhausted, x

I think there is a long time when it's just about getting through each day really. Lower your standards and be organised. Try and grab some time for your self occasionally. Have an expectation of your husband. Pretty sure any mums doing his job will have to just get on with parenting. Interesting always the man's job is too hard, too tiring, too inflexible.

Not necessarily.

If our transport ambulance team goes out. When their shift is 7-7, they could end up going to do an emergency transfer at 6pm and not get back until 11pm/midnight, this happens often.

My shifts often overrun, if I'm at a delivery of a baby and it's a shit situation, I can't just up and leave.

Ambulance crew often run over on their shifts too...

OP I agreed with the previous posters.

I work part time. I'm also 30 hours a week. DP works away at sea. It's exhausting. Whilst my children are older and do go to their dads it's generally when I'm working. So they are home when I'm off, but when DP is away I don't often have time to myself.

I'm struggling especially this week as it's been a busy week already. With lots of appointments/commitments and sports games for DC, and my working week doesn't start until tomorrow. My eldest DS's mental health also took a nose dive this week so I've been dealing with that. Life is exhausting atm. I love my job (also in the nhs) and a lot of the appts this week have been to do with our up and coming wedding. But I do often resent doing it on my own when he's away.

Saturday night I've asked the boys father to keep them for the night, and I've turned down friends offers and said no to having my grandson. I plan on having a Chinese, bottle of we fizzy wine I want to try and sit in my pjs watching crap tv, falling asleep when I want, getting up when I want!

Lol @BuddhaAtSea you haven’t even read the post properly!

Op, you’re allowed to feel this way and there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting a slightly easier time. Next time tell your mum she didn’t work and your dad was home on weekends/ evenings. because it makes a big difference.

I like the idea about putting your child in nursery another day or session a week. Meal prep as much as you can, same for getting clothes ready for the week ahead and freezer meals for when you’re sick.

it sucks but you will through it

Not at all. My husband is a police officer and is regularly several hours late home because they are short staffed and over worked! The summer was horrendous. I think he did 8 weeks where he didn’t finish on time at all. It has such a huge impact.

Life is hard when kids are young and you don’t have much help. I split with my ex when mine were 5 and 2 and I was working part time then, also 3 days, largely due to health issues. I have chronic pancreatitis and was suffering terribly at that time with pain (eventually made better but not completely with a major surgery). What was tough was the relentless monotony of up, dressed, nursery drop off, busy operational senior manager role all day, then train home, pick up children from 2 locations and then home to cook dinner, bath, bed. Literally hardly any time for me at the end of all of that, and with my health issues I was exhausted from lack of sleep at night due to waking up in agony. I also had a teenager from a previous relationship and that brought with it a whole host of other issues.

It might not feel like it now, but it’s a phase in your lifetime that will pass. Mine are 19 and 15 now, 19yr old DS gone off to Uni and 15yr old DD is so self sufficient, cooks her own dinner and also spends maybe 60% of the week at her dad’s nearby. I’ve got time for me now, very social life, I’m back full time thanks for a major surgery that’s reduced pain to more manageable levels. I’ve also had a promotion and am more geared up for my future work wise. Do what you can to survive this phase. Get a cleaner if you need to, or put your DD in nursery another day, or half day so you can have some time to catch up on housework, meet a friend for lunch etc. If I had my time again I’d have done that, another half day in nursery so I could have that time. Life is like a hamster wheel at that point in your life and you need to be kind to yourself. Take care

If your DH does shifts presumably he is often off during the week as well. He should be doing his fair share of parenting when he is off as well. Especially if you've then got your child all weekend when he's back at work. It sounds like you are either working or on child duty. I was exactly the same and worked flexibly around my DH shifts for the first 3 years of childcare (ambulance and work agreed I could change my days off) but it meant all I did was work then have childcare and often meant 15 to 17 days straight if my DH was off during the week but worked two weekends on the trot. He got time to chill as child was on fixed days at nursery. It causes big resentment. My child now gets his 30 hours and I've increased my hours as we needed more money. But I have 1 day a week off when he is a preschool which makes a world of difference. If my DH is working the weekend I try to make sure it is a Friday or Monday I have off so I can just switch off after being on my own all weekend. It isn't easy with a shift worker as you can't get into a routine with them and it falls to you to keep the routine going for the children. 💐

Yep it's crap. Can your mum not help out a little more? Have you asked? If uk then are you maximising that childcare allowance? ( I'm 56 so not sure what that is currently).

I sympathise with you. I do think dropping another day will not fix anything unless you keep your little one in nursery that day as otherwise you will just be swapping paid work for childcare.

Agree with PP you need to be kind to yourself here or you will burn out. Perhaps the answer is actually more paid work hours and a cleaner?

I work 9-30 to 5-30 Monday Tuesday and Thursday and 9-30 to 3pm Wednesday and Friday. So I'm very visible at work as there 5 days. When DD was at nursery I would keep those extra hours for myself then when she went to school it meant I could pick her up twice a week. I can really keep on top of things. Oh and my ex was emergency services, often worked 17 hour days. I was often at birthdays and events alone. Now single parent - not much difference.

A part of the problem is the age of your child - it’s very full on when they’re small but that gets easier. Even a year or two will see a big difference. The nursery years are also the worst for illnesses and that will reduce dramatically with exposure so some of your time off will actually get used for down time..

Another part of the problem is that women are still working off an old paradigm - being at home, running a household and all the laundry, cooking and childcare was a full job. Modern appliances reduced the labour substantially but it’s still not really feasible to work ft outside the home and do all of that as well. You absolutely need to outsource some of it, simplify, and at least share it equally with a partner.

Start by looking at how much rest and downtime you each have. That should be equal. Rest and downtime shouldn’t be confused with hours that you’re not being paid because household work and childcare is still labour. At this stage of parenting, it probably won’t feel like enough, but it should be equitable.

I feel your pain, OP. I am a teacher and the summer holidays with a nearly 2 year old felt like a really long slog. Going back to work felt like a break. I second the posters saying but your child into nursery for an extra day if you can.

I'm guessing your LO is 3, or close to it, from you saying your dps haven't babysat much in 3 years.

Are you in England? If so, you are able to get them into 30 hours free childcare tern time.

I found part time hours more demanding and stressful than full time to be honest. Always trying to make sure things are tied up before the next day that I wasn't working with people who didn't respect or remember that I would not be in the following day.

YANBU to be busy and stressed, it's difficult juggling part time work and a small child and a husband who works long hours. The good news is that you should find it easier when she starts school, it's true that the hours can be trickier (mine went to breakfast club and after school club on my working days), but a school age child is generally much easier to look after than a toddler so you start to feel like your evenings and weekends are a bit more relaxing. Also will you still have a couple of days off while she's at school? Bonus! Hang in there OP, it's hard but it will get better.

Agree with all the other posts about adding nursery day or using annual leave etc.

But the 'mum mode' thing you mention about cleaning up and arranging stuff for the next chaotic day, what does this involve exactly and does it really take the whole evening? Yes I get the daily washing up stuff, tidying toys and packing bags for next day but that doesn't take too long. If you have cleaning standards, either lower them a bit or get a cleaner if you can afford.

Batch cook at weekends and freeze as much as possible or get a slow cooker so you aren't spending valuable time cooking.

Also how demanding is your job? On your wfh days could you utilise your lunch better- either do something for yourself whether that's a walk or watching trash TV, or use that time to do some of the evening chores so that you have more downtime in the evening?

*high cleaning standards. Everyone has standards, lol

Do you know which school your dc is likely to go to? You could perhaps do some research early, find a childminder who does pick ups and see if you can get a day a week with the childminder. Often childminders will prioritise their former day charges for school run wrap around care. It will also be a slightly gentler day than nursery and it will get your dc used to the school run. It would also give you a day off. Obviously only really works if the school you plan to send dc to is nearby and you are very likely to get a place.

I could have written your post OP. I’m in almost the exact same situation except our parents never made out that they would babysit.

We have 2 DD’s and I feel permanently on edge and then I worry that I am not truly enjoying this time with them.

parenting with a shift worker adds an extra layer of hard. I find weekends the worst as there are no playgroups and that is most often when you see family’s out doing things together. You have to be the children’s consistency all the time and it’s a lot of pressure.

I don’t feel we can really justify the expense of putting DD’s into nursery an extra day. I thought about getting a cleaner but the erratic nature of the shifts means it’s not really feasible other than one off cleans. People say about taking time for yourself but I’m too bloody knackered to do anything other than flip in bed/sofa anytime the kids are in bed!