To find the work life balance so difficult when I’m only part time?!

[Mimzi1]

I’m really struggling to get the right work life balance / feel like I can enjoy life. I constantly feel overwhelmed but I feel like I shouldn’t feel this overwhelmed. I work 3 days a week, I work either 7am - 4.30pm or 8.30am - 5.30pm depending on my husbands shifts. My husband works shifts and is sometimes off in the week but works around 50 hours per week. My little one is at nursery on the days I work and then with me on the days I’m off / the weekend. My husband works in emergency services so he works long hours and it’s very unpredictable, sometimes he’s off on time but sometimes it can be 4/5 hours late off, it’s not his fault and it’s a hard job but a job he enjoys his job which is important. My mum comes over once a month, we don’t get any other help with childcare aside from nursery on my 3 working days. I just feel constantly over run, exhausted like I’m spinning all the time. As soon as I finish work I’m back in mum mode, once my little one goes to bed, I’m cleaning up, organising things for the next chaotic day. I was talking to my mum about it on the phone today and she just said - That’s life, we all do it. It is life and you do have to do it , there’s no choice but it annoyed me. My mum didn’t have to work when I was growing up, my dad was home in the evenings and weekend. I don’t think it’s like that these days, I think most mums do have to work. Sorry it’s a rant but I just want to know how do people do it, any tips, where am I going wrong ?!? I’m stressing over how it will all work when my little one goes to school as that will be even harder as nursery is much better for hours. Do you rely on childminders / after school clubs?

I work in the emergency services, probably the same as him, that over time is likely, normal in some areas. Many are unaware of the demand there is, the lack of people in the job and the actually true nature of it. Its not hard where i work for that to actually happen.

Apologies for the bad grammar my fingers are still half asleep and can't keep up with my brain.,

OP you sound exactly like me, even down to the level of support from family.

The past couple of years I had my toddler at home on my days off and it was crazy. Tidying the house, doing errands etc took so much longer. And then I obviously wanted to spend time doing activities with him as well.

This year he is at preschool for 3 hours on my day off and it has seriously changed my work/life balance. I'm so much calmer. I can do all the essential jobs in record time and even fit in time for exercise, a coffee, a shopping trip.

My key advice is hang in there by your fingertips, it DOES get easier!!!

I've been there and it's so hard and without a shift working dh. I know it might feel like a long way off but I think you mention your dc is 3 so most likely starting school next September. That will make a huge difference. Both our DC's are at school now so in theory I could increase my hours but as we are lucky that financially we don't need to know at the moment I haven't meaning I have some non working time at home when the kids are at school and it's a game changer. A year might feel like a long way off but it will come around quickly

Second what everyone else says about use some annual leave and also when you do totally give yourself permission to do whatever you want to do in that time guilt free. Have a walk or slob on the sofa and watch Netflix if you want

I also need to read my posts before hitting send so they actually make sense!

Your DH needs to help more.

I work 28 hours a week, DH works 9-5 so is home evenings and weekends, and my DS is 10, and I’m telling you now it’s still fucking hard.

To have a bit of time for myself I get up an hour before everyone else these days. I still end up sticking a wash in or changing the dishwasher over etc though as there seems to be so much to do all the time that I feel like I have to get a head start.

Working from home should help in theory but actually, even though you might save a couple of hours commuting you go from work to mum/home mode in a blink and I don’t think it’s good for our mental health to have no separation between the 2.

I wonder if your mother is being so obviously ridiculous because she's trying to put you off asking for any more help? She doesn't have to help at all, of course, but this definitely has that energy.

I've worked part time and full time and full time is harder. It just is. That said, it's not a race to the bottom and you're allowed to think this part sucks. It's the conflict of wanting time for yourself but also wanting time with DC.
It does get easier. 3 is a pinch point. For us, it was COVID too which added a whole other dimension of homeschooling an older sibling whilst working full time. After that, everything feels a bit easier.

Whilst your husband is a shift worker, you do have two days where you have just your DC. I'm about to start work at 8am and I've hung the laundry I put on last night overnight on the timer, prepped the slow cooker for dinner and got both kids up, dressed and out to school with packed lunches. I've whizzed the hoover round whilst they had their breakfast. It's about maximising and being efficient.

Order a shop online for delivery, meal plan one pot meals and batch cook on an evening so you have meals for the week. Use a slow cooker. Put your laundry on overnight and hang up first thing whilst the kids eat breakfast. Get a cleaner.

It gets easier as they get older though and it's easier to carve our time in your day for a sit down and to read a book.

My top advice is to lower your housekeeping standards.

I worked 20-25 hours a week when mine were little and none of that was wfh. DH worked shifts, long hours.

Can you be more specific about what you’re struggling with? Cleaning, laundry, clutter, something completely different?

No you're not unreasonable to find this hard. When mine were little my partner commuted and was out 10 hours a day - it makes most of the day to day stuff being on you and when they are small it's quite a large mental load. My mum used to make comments about we all did it, but had her mum 2 doors up providing daily childcare help / I just think they forget!

Been there with non-existent/useless grandparents and DH out of the house for long hours (thankfully not shifts though!).

Couldn't afford a regular weekly extra day at nursery but we did pay for ad hoc 'extra' days about once a quarter and used that to do something relaxing and enjoyable.

It's easier once kids are bigger. They're less demanding and can fend for themselves more to a certain extent. Yes, school you'll need to check out breakfast club and wraparound care options - we chose a school with this in mind. Holiday club during school holidays. But once they're bigger we found they go off on play dates at weekends so you end up with a free half day or day (reciprocal so you do end up with two kids at home other weekends but they entertain each other).

Also get them on the waiting list for Rainbows, Beavers, Cubs, Brownies etc. They take them away overnight sometimes for sleepovers and camps so you get a night off!

You have been in this way longer than me as my baby is only 9 months and I haven't returned to work yet. But my husband is emergency services too as is away 4 days and nights out of 8. Ive been thinking of it as trying to find "marginal gains" wherever I can e.g. I've found a frozen food company that is healthy and affordable for us (stocked) so that has reduced my cooking, food shopping, washing up AND mental load by like 5%, say. Im hoping to find a cleaner to come once a month which again is only a small difference but added together I'm hoping all these things will help keep me sane! Good luck! At the end of the day, the way modern society is set up I really don't think is biologically normal for mums, to be mostly on our own with babies and no village around us. It's not unreasonable to find it really hard.

I had 2 under 2 and worked part time, husband at work a lot. I used to say to myself all jobs must be done in the day so I can have some evening to myself. I didn’t spend ages cleaning or tidying as I wanted time with my children so I’d do things like give my children a job to do (wiping, putting away, ‘making a bed’ in their way) whilst I quickly put the washing away. When very young id put them in their high chair with a toy. Id wash up as soon as they had tea and give them some water to play with. Basically I’d find ways to get jobs done and keep them occupied. When they went to bed then I got time for myself.

To add, the best advice I ever got was to ‘train’ your child to occupy themselves. At 3 they should be able to play with their toys by themselves or draw. If they can’t then spend time working on this as it will help in the long run!