To dread getting even unhappier as I head towards 50?

[Edwardandtubbs]

I heard the Hannah Fry programme on R4 yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about it. She investigated the happiness curve, which researchers have shown starts high in life at teenage years, then drops steadily til around 47-50yrs, then bottoms out and begins to climb again into old age. It is roughly the same for everybody alive, regardless of other indicators like sex, geography, race, wealth etc. Basically everybody gets unhappier until they hit an all time low at 50 then they climb out of it slowly.

I’m 40. I wasn’t a happy child, hated my University years, briefly enjoyed my 20s but then have had a difficult time of things for the last ten years. I genuinely thought things would look up for me from now as I’m in better health, have grieved for losses and DCs are getting older.

The thought that I will feel EVEN WORSE for another ten years is actually freaking me out!

AIBU: yes, chill out and/or deal with it

no, you should have a reasonable expectation to feel happier as circumstances improve!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001r2wr?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Interesting, but surely if you are aware of it you can Choose a different path

The thing with statistics kid that they are generalisations. There is so much you can do to work on your own happiness. You don’t have to follow the curve. It’s just a trend. Focus on your own happiness and you’ll be right.

Interesting but I can say the period between 30 and 45 was my unhappiest time. I didn't have to wait until 50 to get happier.

It all sounds depressing for sure. But maybe you have got your “bottom” out of the way already and now you can go up!

Isn't it due to having demanding teens, ailing/dying parents, full on jobs all at the same time? Oh and fluctuating hormones for women. Argh!

Life is tough and the crappy things happen to us. That doesn’t mean you have no control over the good things, the stuff that makes you content.

How passive are you in general? Do you actively seek out things to make yourself happy?

I’m 47 and probably at one of the lowest points in my life. I’m glad to hear the tread is to get happier again!

But you’re already not following the typical curve - unlike the ‘average’ you didnt have a happy childhood or time at university. It sounds as if you have everything in place to start your upswing right now,

It’s statistics. It doesn’t predict the experience of a single individual, just the average over a population. Your happiness is a choice for you to decide on.

Yabu

happiness is not really scientifically explicable

happiness comes to you when you are busy doing other things

it’s not a pre destined curve

i am 50 and happy and feel good, life is throwing some real shit at me right now yet I am happy. How is that even possible? Inexplicable

the more you worry about happiness or chase it, the less obtainable it is

just be you

Not true for me at all! Shitty childhood, tumultuous teens and 20s, abusive relationship in my early 30s. I'm 40 now and never been happier. It's just me and the dc, cosy home, pets, days out, movie nights, forest walks, hobbies, etc.

One theory is that it’s when people tend to realise that they won’t achieve their dreams they had when they were younger, ie become a CEO of a company. It’s too late to change many things that felt achievable when younger.

Interestingly menopause doesn’t affect it - it’s the same for both sexes. And it’s global, so even in places where people are in different family stages (ie already grandparents) it’s the same…

which researchers have shown starts high in life at teenage years, then drops steadily til around 47-50yrs, then bottoms out and begins to climb again into old age. It is roughly the same for everybody alive,

As soon as I read 'everybody' I have immediate doubts that 'everybody' does whatever is being stated! I really dislike generalisations.

My teens were rocky, 20s pretty great! Personally my happiness was at an all time low in my 30s. Mental health issues, abusive marriage. I was suicidal at one point. I began climbing out at 40 but had wobbles early 40s, then things really improved mid-40s and have been on the up ever since. The only thing I can say about 50 is the loss of my mother under stressful circumstances, and some health issues, but honestly the health issues haven't made me unhappy. I've just gotten used to them. If I lose my partner (I'm approaching 70) then my happiness will vanish and I think it would be hard to ever recapture.

OP there's absolutely no reason to assume that you will feel worse! Just reject that thought and look for ways to improve your life and happiness.

Forewarned is forearmed! What are you going to put in place to ensure this isn’t the case for you?

I must admit I found my 40s a struggle. I was combining working too hard with raising teens and care for elderly parents followed by bereavement. Then there was the impact of hormonal changes that it's only retrospectively I understand for what they were. This all hugely impacted my happiness and my 50s are a delight by comparison.
If I could advise by 40s self I'd say:
Do not neglect yourself. Prioritise good diet, excercise and rest.
Keep up your friendships and be a bit selfish. You're not a support animal.
Anxiety and depression, loss of energy and confidence could be hormone related. HRT can change your life.
Keep moving forward, there's better times to come.

Basically everybody gets unhappier until they hit an all time low at 50 then they climb out of it slowly.

That's not what the reasearch says. It does not say everyone gets unhappier. It uses individual experiences to give a general idea of what many people experience.

But not everyone.

Frequency really means nothing to an individual. All that matters to you is how you feel. Whether or not Joan next door feels less happy at 47 has no influence at all on whether or not you will.

My absolute lowest was aged 39/40, when I was financially at my best. Life improved steadily from there. I'm now in my early fifties and while financially I'm not in the greatest shape, I feel like my life is my own and it's pretty damn good!

Agree with this

Many people may be carefree, happy teens. I wasn't

My happiness came later

I think you should look at it as a positive. I definitely had really good experiences in my 40s alongside suffering anxiety/depression at times and getting divorced. Life is never just one thing.

In my 50s I've got a few more things settled and am feeling more content despite this year being very difficult and being under a lot of pressure at the moment.

So enjoy your 40s and your 50s will look after themselves.

happiness curve, which researchers have shown starts high in life at teenage years, then drops steadily til around 47-50yrs, then bottoms out and begins to climb again into old age

I’m 40. I wasn’t a happy child, hated my University years

The thing that stood out for me was that you jumped to the message that there was another decade of relative unhappiness lined up for you in accordance with the research findings and completely skipped over the part that already did not match your experience, that the highest happiness levels were as teenagers.

Why do you think that your life from now on will conform to their aggregation when early years did not?

The answer to that question may give you some clues as to why you are thinking like this. Happiness tends to be elusive, and appears only in retrospect when we have interesting meaningful purpose in life.

Catching yourself thinking negative thoughts is the very first step in getting yourself in a different mindset.

Hope you find the answers for you.

Such an insightful point.

Gently OP, feeling personally doomed because of chance hearing of a programme on statistical generalizations, is there any possibility this mentality could explain why you have felt so unhappy in life? You may have picked up this trait through genes or experience or both, but it’s really not going to serve you. I would work on challenging it. ( I say this as someone with a similar outlook).

It sounds like you have dealt with challenges so you are ahead of the game. You have built up some resilience and self awareness. Now write that list of stuff you love to do or might want to try and go for it x

I have definitely become happier in my 50s.

I think 30 - 47 were the hardest years and it has gradually improved into my 50s.

I have the same energy and lust for life now as between 16 - 25. It is really refreshing. Hang in there.

I make sure I eat well most of the time, exercise ( long walks, swimming and resistance work) and get enough sleep.

I did start HRT at 47 at a fairly high dose - 100mg.

Sounds like a bullshit concept and not at all reflective of my own experience as I age. If you're negative and dreading getting older it's going to be hard to be happy. You seem to concentrate on the bad in your life. That's why you're unhappy. Try counting your blessings every day instead and ignore crap fluff pieces like the one you linked to.

I’m happy at 50. Very content with who I am and won’t put up with any bullshit anymore.

My life sounds similar to yours, but at 46 I'm not worried by those figures. I agree with everything @FinallyHere said. I think those who were happy in their teens probably had great parents and liked school, so are more likely to be distressed by their parents' health declining and generally to feel sad that their own youthful heyday is over. If your school experience and family of origin sucked, you can at least console yourself that the only way is up. When I was a kid I couldn't wait to be grown up, and while I'm not massively successful or anything like that, it is so much better and happier when you have a modicum of control over your life, which can only increase as your kids get older and move out. I don't want to use the word "sheeple" but a lot of people seem to yearn for benign authority figures and are freaked out by not having anyone to tell them what to do. The less you suffer from that delusion, the easier late middle age should be (all other things being equal).