To dread getting even unhappier as I head towards 50?

[Edwardandtubbs]

I heard the Hannah Fry programme on R4 yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about it. She investigated the happiness curve, which researchers have shown starts high in life at teenage years, then drops steadily til around 47-50yrs, then bottoms out and begins to climb again into old age. It is roughly the same for everybody alive, regardless of other indicators like sex, geography, race, wealth etc. Basically everybody gets unhappier until they hit an all time low at 50 then they climb out of it slowly.

I’m 40. I wasn’t a happy child, hated my University years, briefly enjoyed my 20s but then have had a difficult time of things for the last ten years. I genuinely thought things would look up for me from now as I’m in better health, have grieved for losses and DCs are getting older.

The thought that I will feel EVEN WORSE for another ten years is actually freaking me out!

AIBU: yes, chill out and/or deal with it

no, you should have a reasonable expectation to feel happier as circumstances improve!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001r2wr?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

I think it is more to do with big life events happening at these times. Losses, divorce, children etc. Big life events you then get through and become happier. If it was realisation that you wouldn’t achieve your dream - that isn’t going to change but circumstances would. I wouldn’t worry though as these generalisations would not account for individual feelings

I'm in my early 60s and can't see how anyone can possibly be happy in old age. Looming ill health, loss of friends and family, loneliness and death. Great.

After the 30s blur of having kids, I've loved my 40s and found that sense of 50 as a deadline really galvanising. Got a dream project done at 48 and building on it now. I find the 'fuck it' attitude of being a middle-aged woman, and even the sense that you're less attractive/more invisible, much more freeing than being younger and wanting to keep other people happy. So fuck her curves, they're just a hook to hang a show on and it's perfectly possible to create your own curve. As long as we're learning from life, we're growing and getting better. Dreading things that haven't happened is a waste of time you could be doing things now. One day you'll look back and think of 47-50 as young and wonder what you were worrying about.

Some interesting replies, thank you. The researchers asked people how happy they were generally with their life, at different ages. So it is more to do with a general feeling of happiness rather than the little things.

I am generally a negative person with a glass half empty outlook. I think this is why I’ve a) latched onto this and b) am worried that things will get even worse.

The trend is a curve, of similar shape for “everyone”. So if you start very happy, you’ll get less happy but you probably wouldn’t hit the low levels of happiness that someone else, who started at a much lower point might hit.

I do have plenty to be contented with in life and I do laugh, smile and see beauty in things - honest!

Also props to the people who are just like ‘cheer up!’ Or ‘change your whole outlook on life’ 🤣

She's talking about a population trend, not your individual prediction.

And remember, it's about being comfortable in your circumstances as much as feeling merry and bright.

You simply don't know what life will throw at you and when. You say you've grieved for losses already - perhaps you're ahead of the curve?

And also, yes one of my parents died 5 years ago, all my grandparents are dead now and my remaining parent is terminally ill. I’ve had serious health problems with some big operations and investigations so I think I am ahead of the curve of life as some have suggested!

I spent years climbing the corporate ladder. I got one rung from the top, then found that it was leaning on the wrong wall. 🤦‍♂️

Me and some friends who are roughly 51 met up on Sunday. I think it’s just a life thing.

All of us work, one moved back to her home country (but wants to return to London) but we are all quite fed up with work and want to be more happier and not waste life. We don’t have children and 2 have partners (mine not serious though).

My teenage years were on and off happy due to appalling untreated severe PMT, the BCP helped a bit hormonally.

Agreed also if you can control life with it’s better.

I'm late forties and happier than in my teens - if I never get less happy than this I'll be delighted!

But my parents are alive and in decent (albeit declining) health...so far. I suspect caring for frail parents and loss of parents is the thing that causes that dip for most of us.

Also individual lives don’t follow an absolute curve. There will always be high points and low points. If you mapped out your own happiness’line’ it probably wouldn’t look anything like a curve.

I’m a generally happy person but naturally dread bereavement, poor health and so on but everyone will find different things stressful. I think you can plan ahead a bit for example trying to ensure you’ll be financially secure enough to avoid working into retirement, ensuring you have social interactions and a sense of purpose. And probably being realistic about life: I’ve come to terms with the fact that my house won’t be adorned by a blue plaque after I’m gone and within a short while I’ll be forgotten. I’m genuinely ok with that.

It's not true for everyone it's just an average. I had a traumatic abusive childhood and then fell into an abusive relationship. I was miserable as a teen and part of my twenties. It's been getting steadily better and I've never been happier at 37. Best not to pay attention to a ramdam stat. People have different loves

I think you're onto something with the 'glass half empty' outlook. I remember (quite randomly) in a David Bowie documentary, he said/was described as the opposite, a generally chipper person, so he was as happy doing the schoolruns as playing stadiums. My dad is the same - not playing stadiums, but cheerful disposition, chat to anyone, would never have existential dread. So as you say, you've seized on this as a confirmation of your existing bias. But it's just a R4 programme to fill the air and even the science behind it is some dude doing it for funding to further their own career and research interests.

Which isn't to say that there isn't some 'general trend' that's verifiable, but it's not to be taken as some fundamental truth that will determine your doom. The papers peddle similar stuff everyday to make readers panic about the future, and though R4 is doubtless more erudite, it's still just a bit of passing interest. There is no happiness curve for everyone. You are not bound to any such thing, unless you're like my MIL and your negative outlook actually gives you a weird kind of pleasure, expecting the worst and being glad if things go wrong. But otherwise, work on countering the negative voices with a bit more balance. Hope and despair are different sides of the same coin and both delusions of what's to come - the truth is in between, in the now, which isn't so bad after all.

The thing is OP if you've been dealing with grief due to family losses, declining/poor health etc, this is the stuff of life that statistically comes all at once at around age 50 for the majority.
For you, if you have in fact already faced multiple griefs, this isn't ahead of you.
Most people have a very 20s, it's supposed to the carefree bit. Mine was dogged by ill health and I was in and out of doctors surgeries and hospitals and my career didn't take off as it should. I felt miserable and left behind. My 30s were better by far! And my 40s are shaping up well so far.

I'm happier now in my 50s - the simple things in life make me happy, good food, a walk in nature, good books- I am much less into stuff and value my free time over the pursuit of extra money and capitalist goals.

I do have an ageing parent / teens and a grumpy husband but with a combination of getting older and probably post covid I'm able to stress less, say no if it doesn't suit me, prioritise what's important and also make time for rest (in my 40s I was run-ragged with small children / work and so tired which does not make for a happy life)

Both my grandmothers were pretty happy in old age. One lived in sheltered accommodation with friends and they did days out etc. The other had had an anxious life and despite health issues felt settled for the first time ever.

It may be a general rule but certainly not always the case. I'm 50 next year and probably the happiest I've ever been. I do have some issues related to perimenopause (anxiety and aches and pains) but despite that, I'm really happy.
I'm thinking of my friends who've turned 50 and they all seem pretty happy - one friend in particular is 53 and really has the best, most adventurous life of anyone I know. She's like a ray of sunshine.
And thinking back to my mum - she was having the time of her life in her late 40s, early 50s. I think that period was probably the most fun she's ever had.

Also props to the people who are just like ‘cheer up!’ Or ‘change your whole outlook on life’ 🤣

There’s something to be said for it though. I’m an eternal pessimist, convinced the universe is on a mission to shit on me, but it also means that I have, on occasion, bored myself with letting events define and colour my life. Shit stuff has to be reconciled mentally but then ruminating on it turns it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Happiness isn’t a limited resource and we all have the ability to access it.

Also props to the people who are just like ‘cheer up!’ Or ‘change your whole outlook on life’

This is what I mean - you dismiss those ideas easily because they don't chime with you, while you give great import to this curve stuff because it backs up your inclination to see the dark side. But the doom curve is no more legit than the cheer up vibe. They both have something in them and we need to get both in balance, not lend weight to one and dismiss the other. Moderation etc etc.

My colleagues may complain about my relentless cheerfulness, so bite me

😄

My experience chimes with the idea that to worry is to borrow sorrow from tomorrow.

I'm 51 and well aware now that some of my dreams won't happen. That old farmhouse with stone flagging and enough land for my horses? It's flown away. I can accept that as we chose a new build instead and have been on the same livery yard for 7 years now.

But we are also much more stable than I thought we would be and are looking at travelling again. So ups and very minor downs. I would definitely say that this is nowhere near the lowest point of my life (late 30s rates that.)

It is what you make of it.

Much, much more happy now than I was as a teenager.

Aggressively optimistic - I like it

it’s almost spitefully being happy lol

This is the reality. Friends with serious illness, long term married couples divorcing, adult children moved on but still need support, there are a lot of challenges for 50s and 60s. I suspect things settle down for a while until health and mobility decline in later old age.

it’s almost spitefully being happy lol

@Cornettoninja

🤭

To be fair, they do struggle a bit, knowing that their complains feed my cheerfulness

Read Rouch’s book, it’s actually very positive. Also it’s very possible to boost yourself up the happiness scale through your attitude, actions and positivity. It’s sounds a bit like you’ve interpreted it with a glass half empty view…which is isn’t. It’s saying the best is yet to come.