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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late night phone use

44 replies

lifestoosho · 03/10/2023 05:29

Me and DH have had a huge barny. He's stomped off and is sleeping in the other room.

I woke up at 4am the previous night and he was in bed next to me on his phone. When I approached it yesterday he got really mad. Saying he doesn't need to ask permission to use his phone and I'm making accusations and don't trust him.

I made no accusations. I just asked him why he was up on the phone in the middle of the night. He says as he has older children I need to understand they text in the early hours and he has been replying to one of them. He said it was not an emergency. Just a general text that has come through early evening. He says he gets why I would ask why he is up on his phone but then in the next breath is saying I'm accusing him of things. When I ask what it is I'm accusing him of, he says he doesn't know. It's just how he feels.

AIBU to have questioned this in the first place!

OP posts:
Popsicle42 · 03/10/2023 05:31

Sounds to me like he was messaging someone he shouldn’t have been, I’m afraid. There’s no reason to act like he did if it was innocent.

MissCherryCakeyBun · 03/10/2023 05:33

I would just ask to see the text....nothing to hide then nothing to worry about. If he has deleted the text or refuse to show? Red flag for me I'm afraid as that's my ex-husbands trick for contacting the OW 😓

What kind of relationship do you have with his adult kids? Could you make a joke out of it saying better have your phone on silent if dads going to be texting at 3am see what they say?

NailsHairNipsHeels · 03/10/2023 05:34

If the text came through early evening why was he replying at 4am?
I'd be suspicious due to his over reaction y a very normal question

Original poster
lifestoosho · 03/10/2023 05:55

It is a complete over reaction. I can't even believe we had such a row over it. I thought it was a perfectly legitimate question.

OP posts:
Herbiebanannas · 03/10/2023 05:58

Would you be happy if he asked you why you were on your phone?

I am on mine now doing is in bed next to my partner who is still sleeping.

If they woke up and asked why I was on my phone, it would be none of their business

Aerin1999 · 03/10/2023 05:59

Herbiebanannas · 03/10/2023 05:58

Would you be happy if he asked you why you were on your phone?

I am on mine now doing is in bed next to my partner who is still sleeping.

If they woke up and asked why I was on my phone, it would be none of their business

Could not agree more.

yogasaurus · 03/10/2023 06:00

I wouldn’t be happy to justify why I was on my phone either.

GodDammitCecil · 03/10/2023 06:07

My God.

I’m on my phone in the middle of the night every night. If DH asked me why in an accusatory way I’d be bloody offended.

Skipthisstep82 · 03/10/2023 06:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LoudSnoringDog · 03/10/2023 06:11

I wake up naturally about 4 each day and check my phone. I wouldn’t have an issue with this. Both of my older children live away from home, the one at uni does tend to send random messages late ( I am generally asleep when they are sent) so I respond when I wake up.
if my DP asked what I was doing I would tell him to mind his own and go back to sleep.

SoRainbowRhythms · 03/10/2023 06:13

Herbiebanannas · 03/10/2023 05:58

Would you be happy if he asked you why you were on your phone?

I am on mine now doing is in bed next to my partner who is still sleeping.

If they woke up and asked why I was on my phone, it would be none of their business

Agreed. I'm a bad sleeper and will often have a scroll in the night.

NoNoHellaNoNoHellaNoNo · 03/10/2023 06:30

If I go to the loo in the middle of the night, I usually look at my phone for 5 mins before sleeping again. It’s not great practice (from a sleep perspective) but I’m not sure why I have to justify myself to anyone.

AutumnLea · 03/10/2023 06:35

It's a normal thing tbh my adult dc often texts after I've gone to sleep so I reply if I wake up in the night. It's the questioning I think is weird.

TammyJones · 03/10/2023 07:13

If I wake early I would go on mum net. Dh knows this.
I wish I was asleep lol

ChristmasFluff · 03/10/2023 08:29

If I was on the phone in the middle of the night and partner asked me what I was doing I'd think nothing of it and say 'I'm on mumsnet' or whatever. And I am very alert to 'accusations', having been in an abusive relationship.

It's not an 'accusation' as some people seem to think, it's a normal conversational question.

Do you all lose the plot to 'what are you cooking?', 'what have you been up to today?', 'did you have lunch while you were shopping?' etc?

OP isn't quizzinng him every time he is on the phone at normal times. She's wondering what's going on when he's unexpectedly on it in the middle of the night - could have been an emergency for all she knew.

Original poster
lifestoosho · 03/10/2023 08:34

ChristmasFluff · 03/10/2023 08:29

If I was on the phone in the middle of the night and partner asked me what I was doing I'd think nothing of it and say 'I'm on mumsnet' or whatever. And I am very alert to 'accusations', having been in an abusive relationship.

It's not an 'accusation' as some people seem to think, it's a normal conversational question.

Do you all lose the plot to 'what are you cooking?', 'what have you been up to today?', 'did you have lunch while you were shopping?' etc?

OP isn't quizzinng him every time he is on the phone at normal times. She's wondering what's going on when he's unexpectedly on it in the middle of the night - could have been an emergency for all she knew.

This is the exact point I am trying to get across to him. In fact I even asked if it was an emergency.

He's actually questioning the future of our relationship now. This is extreme.

OP posts:
Sigmama · 03/10/2023 08:37

I'd be annoyed if my dh was on his phone in the middle of the night, full stop, let alone the dodgy subtext

IAmAnIdiot123 · 03/10/2023 08:42

Sigmama · 03/10/2023 08:37

I'd be annoyed if my dh was on his phone in the middle of the night, full stop, let alone the dodgy subtext

Why?

If I wake up in the night and can't get back to sleep, I play on my phone. Should i just lay there looking into the darkness?

I also sometimes get up and grab a drink then sit downstairs playing on my phone, is that bad? I would laugh at dp if he had a go about it.

MNetcurtains · 03/10/2023 08:47

My DH is frequently on his phone in the wee hours. He's a bad sleeper and will often be scrolling thru news stories or similar. I have no problem with it at all except that sometimes the light from it disturbs me.

Sigmama · 03/10/2023 08:50

Iamanidiot, er yeah, I wouldn't do anything that could wake up my partner, I let them sleep soundly. Phones in bedrooms are a pita

GodDammitCecil · 03/10/2023 08:50

If I was on the phone in the middle of the night and partner asked me what I was doing..

I’d say ‘I’m on my phone - what does it look like?’

What other answer would you be looking for….?

usernother · 03/10/2023 08:52

I go on my phone in the middle of the night when I wake up and can't get back to sleep. So does my OH. No big deal.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 03/10/2023 08:52

Sigmama · 03/10/2023 08:50

Iamanidiot, er yeah, I wouldn't do anything that could wake up my partner, I let them sleep soundly. Phones in bedrooms are a pita

The idea that a phone light would wake my partner up is laughable, he doesn't even wake up to the 10 week old in the next to me crib

JaceLancs · 03/10/2023 08:54

I often pick up my phone during the night - I don’t sleep well so will sometimes put on a podcast or story app to get me back to sleep
If there’s a message I’ve missed I’ll answer it (usually adult DC) who are often up later than I am

margotrose · 03/10/2023 08:56

I often use my phone in the night if I can't sleep or if I'm worried about something. If DH started questioning me about it I'd tell him to mind his own business, quite frankly.

Why does he have to justify his phone use to you?

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