Late night phone use

[lifestoosho]

Me and DH have had a huge barny. He's stomped off and is sleeping in the other room.

I woke up at 4am the previous night and he was in bed next to me on his phone. When I approached it yesterday he got really mad. Saying he doesn't need to ask permission to use his phone and I'm making accusations and don't trust him.

I made no accusations. I just asked him why he was up on the phone in the middle of the night. He says as he has older children I need to understand they text in the early hours and he has been replying to one of them. He said it was not an emergency. Just a general text that has come through early evening. He says he gets why I would ask why he is up on his phone but then in the next breath is saying I'm accusing him of things. When I ask what it is I'm accusing him of, he says he doesn't know. It's just how he feels.

AIBU to have questioned this in the first place!

I have insomnia. I also have a friend with insomnia. If we are both awake in the middle of the night then sometimes we text chat and keep each other company.

If DH demanded to see my phone I’d probably tell him to sod off! It’s private.

Sometimes it’s completely innocent, sometimes it isn’t. In my case it’s entirely boring and usually just a back and forth of animal memes 🤣

Classic set up line from him so it looks your fault if he walks.

gut instinct, that’s another woman!

Could he be gambling?
Texting at that times a little late for anyone else to be up

What does it matter if people are up or not?

I reply to messages when I read them, so if that is 4am I reply at 4am.

People have their notifications set to suit their own lifestyle anyway so it’s not an issue to reply in the middle of the night. Its not like ringing someone on a landline in the 80’s !

His reaction is super extreme and could indicate he is hiding something from you and reacting badly because you might have caught him out. Especially going as far as questioning the whole relationship

But equally, he might have just been annoyed you were questioning him, maybe your question came out more accusatory than you meant, maybe due to tiredness.
"Is everything OK?" - showing concern
"What the hell are you doing on your phone at this time?" - starting off with a annoyance
Etc

Herbie, Surely it's not just your own lifestyle you have to consider, what about the poor sod lying next to you

They are flat out asleep.

How would it bother them if I was browsing the internet or sending a WhatsApp message?

But let's face it, 4am is not normal is it.
Somethings keeping him up or is on his mind.
And in my opinion it's rude to text someone at that time just because you are up.

Lots of people have insomnia or unusual sleeping patterns.

There's often loads of people on social media when I'm up at 3-4am.

Exactly this. OP seems controlling to me

I go on MN in the small hours.

It looks like I’m texting, but I’m not - I’m posting on MN.

Lucky DH and I have a sound relationship, so his mind doesn’t automatically jump to ‘she must be texting the Other Man’…! I mean, come on…

It is normal for lots of people.

It's also not rude to text at all time that's convenient to you.

Well there's two sides here I suppose, it's the trust that's the problem

Just adding - I’m another one who is on their phone at all hours because of dodgy sleep patterns. Because of illness and peri, not because of said phone use.

As for you OP, I think the overreaction would be the thing that bothered me rather than the phone use itself. However, as PPs say, it would depend on the context. Were you accusing him and that made him become defensive or was it a genuine ‘is everything ok’?

Or friends in other countries who are on a different time zone...

It is the overreaction that has upset me. It was in no way an accusation. It was more of a "is everything ok?"

He is saying that he assumes this is going to happen again and that he now feels he has to ask permission to use his phone. This is so far removed from asking if all was ok as he was on his phone in the middle of the night. He has also insisted he wants me to look at his phone as he wants me to see what he was doing but then said if I look at the phone then I have trust issues. It felt weirdly like some sort of trap. I didn't look at the phone. I don't need to look at the phone. I accepted what he told me and has no need to validate it.