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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP threatened to sell DS’s things

42 replies

nuttish · 02/10/2023 23:41

We've been having some issues with my 18 yo DS, he used to be lovely but most the time he isn't.

I brought him up on my own until he was 15, when DP moved in. I asked DS multiple times if he was fine with DP moving in and he was. They got along very well but about 6 months ago his dad got in contact and since then he's been a nightmare. His dad was abusive and left when I was 6 months pregnant for another woman. She didn't know about DS so he never made an effort with him. At 13 he tried but DS didn't want anything to do with him.

He's been saying things about how he hates me, wished I was dead. He punched his friend during an argument which is/was out of character for him. He was working until a few weeks ago when he quit. He still has some money leftover and he's spending it on alcohol and cigarettes. He recently has fallen out with his dad.

He came home last night drunk, I was prepared for him to be disrespectful but he asked me for a hug. He apologised to me and he got upset and said he doesn't feel good enough. He went off to bed and I tried talking to him today but he doesn't remember it and said it's true but he's refusing to do anything about it.

He didn't do what DP asked him to do, he was asked to wash up and tidy up in general as both me and DP were at work, he came home and the house was the same as when we left. DP confronted him, DS just laughed and still was refusing. It led to a back and forth then DP took the Xbox which didn't bother DS and he threatened to sell it as well as other things that he had as he bought them for him.

I've told him about what DS said to me and suggested he go easy on him and try and speak to him but he's said DS is saying it for attention.

AIBU in thinking he shouldn't have said this? I'm prepared to be told I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

nuttish · 03/10/2023 00:16

OP posts:

WhatWillEyeCallMyself · 03/10/2023 00:24

Your DP sounds like he's handling any teenager wrong never mind one who is late to a family and has been through disruption. Your problem is your DP

WhatWillEyeCallMyself · 03/10/2023 00:25

That came out wrong. Your DP is late too the family and needs to back off.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/10/2023 00:30

Were those items gifts? (Suspiciously like he was trying to buy his way into DS's affections, tbh).

If they were gifts then he leaves them the fuck alone.

He's only been in DS's life 3 years, he does NOT get to lay down the law, that is your job and if he doesn't like it then you have to choose between them. And tbh if you choose your DP the kindest thing I could say about you is that you're a fool.

MaryJanesonabreak · 03/10/2023 00:34

Starting a conversation with threats is never going to have the desired outcome. As your partner does not have the communication skills needed, suggest he butts out.
Take your son out to a burger type place and have a chat with him. Tell him the current situation is unsustainable and what does he think would be some good solutions? He doesn’t need to come up with a ten year plan, you can have more chats, but he needs to have a think. He’s probably dealing with a lot of childhood anger at not having his dad around and feels inadequate.
Give him some space to be heard, keep your partner out of it.

Honeysuckle16 · 03/10/2023 00:36

Once a gift is given, it belongs to the other person. Whoever gave the gift can’t take it back. It feels nasty and unfair that your DP has threatened to sell the xbox he gave your DS.

In addition to the usual teenage upsets, your DS is having a very tough time with his father. What your DS thought was a good relationship has crumbled and your DS has to cope with that. He needs understanding and support from you and his step-dad.

It might be an idea to have a chat with him at whenever is a good time for him. Explain you’re going to cut him a bit of slack, maybe for a month, to allow him some recovery time. After that, though, he’ll be expected to contribute to the running of the house and get another job.

This is a critical time in your DS’s life. It would be easy for him to start to go off the rails and hold a grudge against everyone. His outburst when drunk and later confirmation of his feelings show there’s still a strong link between you so work on this and keep this bond.

Help your partner to gain an insight into what a tough and confusing time this has been for your DS and agree a plan with him. How your partner behaves towards your DS in the next few weeks and months will be crucial to their future relationship.

Testina · 03/10/2023 00:38

It’s a bit odd that your post ends asking whether your boyfriend should have expressed his opinion, not about taking the things.

It’s fine that he expressed an opinion. He might even be right.

But, he doesn’t get to make the parenting decisions like that. He needs to leave that to you.

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 00:42

If you let your DP act that way to DS, it isn't going to end well. If he's 'just saying it for attention' then give him attention! Lots of love and attention. He's only 18. He needs lots of guidance. Stop the arguing and the aggressive drama, immediately or its going to go very wrong, very fast. Your DS is spiraling already, in the wrong direction. You need to strengthen your bond ASAP! You won't do that with threats and arguments.

Original poster

nuttish · 03/10/2023 08:12

They were all gifts but DP seems to think he could sell them because they were bought by him. I don't agree with it and think he should be trying to talk to DS instead of punishing him as I am worried about him. And DS has said he doesn't care about his things being sold anyway.

OP posts:

PuttingDownRoots · 03/10/2023 08:15

I think your DS sounds depressed.

TawnyLarue · 03/10/2023 08:19

Three years. No wonder he’s laughing at him.

ohdamnitjanet · 03/10/2023 08:22

Your poor ds, no wonder he’s acting up and miserable. That was a real breakthrough asking for a hug. And no, dp can’t take a young adult’s belongings and sell them, what a giant twat.

endofthelinefinally · 03/10/2023 08:24

PuttingDownRoots · 03/10/2023 08:15

I think your DS sounds depressed.

I agree. From what you have said in your OP about the recent contact with his dad he is probably going through a lot of soul searching and processing. Goodness knows what his dad has said to him.
He needs to be heard and would probably benefit from someone outside the family to talk to. I am sure the contact with his dad is causing all this, but I am not sure what you can do about that. Did he find his dad or did his dad find him?
You partner is making everything worse at the moment.
I appreciate he is finding your son's behaviour annoying, but he needs to just tread a bit carefully at the moment until you get to the bottom of what is going on.

Foxblue · 03/10/2023 08:30

Wow, your DP isn't very nice is he - your son has clearly had/is having a tough time and his response is to... try and take things from him and sell them.
I get it's frustrating but he's nowhere near your sons stepdad or parental figure, when he came home and nothing was done and met resistance when he tried to mention it, he should have just walked away and brought it to you to solve. He's literally just your boyfriend, he has zero authority over your son and thinks he can sell his things? Its frustrating living with a teenager whose going through a tough time but honestly, he's the adult, why isn't he showing more concern for your son? God OP, you need to put your foot down.

SherbetLemonn · 03/10/2023 08:30

Your partner sounds like an absolute arsehole. Comes into DSs life when he’s 15 and thinks he can swing his dick around and make threats to sell now-adult DSs possessions. You need to shut that shit down, hard and fast.
Your son sounds like he could be suffering with depression, but equally he could just be struggling with the transition to a young adult and finding his feet there. Spending money on alcohol and smokes is pretty standard for his age. Chopping and changing jobs, again, pretty standard. He does need to knuckle down to find another job though and the way he is speaking to you is unacceptable. I feel so sorry for him, and for you. You both sound unhappy.

NeedToChangeName · 03/10/2023 08:31

Your son sounds very confused and emotional

A time to be kind and understanding

inloveandmarried · 03/10/2023 08:47

You really really don't him going off the rails. It takes a long time to set it right.

Have a firm word with your partner and tell him you need to parent him. Ask him to step back for a bit although it will be hard.

Then, in an attempt to help this, be extra extra kind to your son.

The likelihood is it may take many years for him to sort his head out. It's not an easy fix, instant snap out of it type thing.

Your son was abandoned by his dad. However it's put, whatever you did to right that fact, that's how it is.

He's young and now processing all these emotions. He won't have the emotional capacity or the emotional intelligence to deal with it. All he'll have is anger.

This is what you'll get. Because it's all he has to give right now.

Be strong, be consistent in your love for him. It will look like he's walking over you but he's just processing.

Relate counselling have funding for this type of thing. You can ask him if he'd like someone outside the family to talk it through with privately.

As a family this will test you all. Buckle in as it may be a bumpy ride.

Startingagainandagain · 03/10/2023 08:54

For goodness sake your son is struggling with your ex coming back in his life and probably messing with his head.

The last thing that is needed is for your current partner to make matters worse.

You need to step up and try to get some support for your son and get him to talk to someone who can help him process his anger and confusion.

See if he could get counselling through his school, the GP or a charity that supports teenagers/parents.

Your partner is not his father and needs to understand that you are making the decision when it comes to your son.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/10/2023 08:59

If your son always behaved like this then I could see your partner becoming frustrated (though he should leave those decisions up to you)

Given its a recent and big change in behaviour and coincided with the contact with his dad, then there are clearly some issues going on with him and while his behaviour is clearly not acceptable, he obviously needs your support

Beautiful3 · 03/10/2023 09:31

Going against the grain here, but your son is behaving appallingly. I'd put his xbox in the loft, until his behaviour improves. He's a man now, so if he's going to be disrespectful then he can start looking to live else where. Why pander to a fully grown man's tantrums and outbursts? He is no longer a small child! He needs to learn that there are consequences, for bad behaviour. If you're not careful, his behaviour will split you both up.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 09:37

nuttish · 03/10/2023 08:12

That's not how gifts work.

He needs to back off

DynamicK · 03/10/2023 09:41

Startingagainandagain · 03/10/2023 08:54

For goodness sake your son is struggling with your ex coming back in his life and probably messing with his head.

The last thing that is needed is for your current partner to make matters worse.

You need to step up and try to get some support for your son and get him to talk to someone who can help him process his anger and confusion.

See if he could get counselling through his school, the GP or a charity that supports teenagers/parents.

Your partner is not his father and needs to understand that you are making the decision when it comes to your son.

This!
Your poor son. Spend some time with him.
Get your dp to be kinder to him or just back off.
It sounds like he really needs support right now.

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/10/2023 09:46

DP needs to back right off.

Your son is being abused and manipulated just like you were. He's also a child who grew up without a father and had DP move in when he was a teen. Approach this all with that in mind because being lazy and wasting money is a symptom of his distress.

FrodoBagginsToeHair · 03/10/2023 09:50

It’s not your DPs place to discipline your DS. You need to tell him to back off while you listen to what your DS is trying to tell you. Can you help your DS find a therapist to talk to? Don’t just leave him to sort himself out on his own

Original poster

nuttish · 03/10/2023 16:49

Before DP moved in I knew him for 5 years, DS for about 3.5. They got on very well however since this behaviour they no longer do. DP is refusing to back down and is still saying he'll sell the Xbox and other things.

OP posts:

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