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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP threatened to sell DS’s things

42 replies

nuttish · 02/10/2023 23:41

We've been having some issues with my 18 yo DS, he used to be lovely but most the time he isn't.

I brought him up on my own until he was 15, when DP moved in. I asked DS multiple times if he was fine with DP moving in and he was. They got along very well but about 6 months ago his dad got in contact and since then he's been a nightmare. His dad was abusive and left when I was 6 months pregnant for another woman. She didn't know about DS so he never made an effort with him. At 13 he tried but DS didn't want anything to do with him.

He's been saying things about how he hates me, wished I was dead. He punched his friend during an argument which is/was out of character for him. He was working until a few weeks ago when he quit. He still has some money leftover and he's spending it on alcohol and cigarettes. He recently has fallen out with his dad.

He came home last night drunk, I was prepared for him to be disrespectful but he asked me for a hug. He apologised to me and he got upset and said he doesn't feel good enough. He went off to bed and I tried talking to him today but he doesn't remember it and said it's true but he's refusing to do anything about it.

He didn't do what DP asked him to do, he was asked to wash up and tidy up in general as both me and DP were at work, he came home and the house was the same as when we left. DP confronted him, DS just laughed and still was refusing. It led to a back and forth then DP took the Xbox which didn't bother DS and he threatened to sell it as well as other things that he had as he bought them for him.

I've told him about what DS said to me and suggested he go easy on him and try and speak to him but he's said DS is saying it for attention.

AIBU in thinking he shouldn't have said this? I'm prepared to be told I am.

OP posts:

CinnamonBear · 03/10/2023 17:00

Your DP needs to back off. He's inflaming situation and him selling the Xbox will make things worse. He's trying to exert dominance - it's not going to end with your son's contrition and everyone playing happy families.

Your son needs empathy and some reasonable boundaries right now. Not your partner swinging his dick around.

FrodoBagginsToeHair · 03/10/2023 19:54

Your DS needs to come first here - he sounds like a confused and angry young man who needs your support

Grumpy101 · 03/10/2023 20:03

Your DP needs to back off. I would be tempted to kick him out as you risk him ruining your relationship with your son.

WowOK · 03/10/2023 20:10

DP can not sell his stuff. They were gifts and they belong to DS. DP can prevent him from using them by switching off the WiFi.

I think DP needs to take a step back. He isn't DS parent and shouldn't be parenting him (unless you bask him to).

Your DS sounds like he is struggling with his MH and needs a bit of TLC. However, that doesn't give him the right to be an arsehole or disrespectful to DP or you. I'd ask him again to clean what he is meant to clean and if he doesn't I'd think of an appropriate consequence. You are a family and your meant to work as a team.

I'd consider spending some 1:1 time doing something nice with DS in a few days when the dust has settled and it doesn't look like you're rewarding bad behaviour.

RandomButtons · 03/10/2023 20:17

You DS sounds like he’s depressed and feeling the rejection from his father hard.

Your DP needs to back off. He’s been in your house only 3 years.

SherbetLemonn · 03/10/2023 21:03

nuttish · 03/10/2023 16:49

Before DP moved in I knew him for 5 years, DS for about 3.5. They got on very well however since this behaviour they no longer do. DP is refusing to back down and is still saying he'll sell the Xbox and other things.

Stupid prick. Your partner, I mean. This would change the way I would see him tbh, he’s being such an arsehole. You need to have your son’s back here, it’s unacceptable for your dopey partner to threaten to sell your son’s belongings, that’s stealing and basically bullying your son in his own home.

PandaExpress · 03/10/2023 21:11

You need to be your sons advocate here. He comes first. You tell DP his attitude won't stand and he is not selling anything or threatening too. Be the mum and take charge OP!!

Pottomous2 · 03/10/2023 21:16

I think your dp is getting a kick in on here for being at the end of his tether with a very trying teenager. He made a threat to see the Xbox, probably out of frustration that your ds isn’t doing anything around the house and then laughing when pulled up on it. I despair at posts that say your partner has only been around three years and should be laughed at?! I mean, Seriously! Being depressed is not a get out of jail for being nasty and inconsiderate. DP doesn’t sound evil , he is just stuck with what to do with ds treating his mother, the house, and him like rubbish and getting away with this.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/10/2023 23:37

nuttish · 03/10/2023 16:49

The. It is up to you how you handle it. Warn him that if he doesn't back down your relationship with him is over. And then follow through!

Fleabane · 03/10/2023 23:41

nuttish · 03/10/2023 16:49

You need to stand up for your son.

KajsaKavat · 03/10/2023 23:49

Your DP is clueless and will make the situation worse. Anyway this should be dealt with by you not by your partner

MariaLuna · 03/10/2023 23:54

They were all gifts but DP seems to think he could sell them because they were bought by him.

What a weirdo. Who the hell gives a present and then threatens to sell them back (to who? Flog them on the internet I suppose...).

It's a form of control.

A. I would never move a man into my house as a single mum and B. I would tell him to fuck right off.

My son is more important than a fuck. We are a unit for the rest of my life.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/10/2023 23:57

Tell your DP you'll report him to the police for stealing!
Your 18yr old is obviously going through some emotional trauma here, you need to focus on him so he doesn't go off rail completely and do something to suit his whole life.
Your partner has no bloody right to do anything with any gifts he has given, YOU are his parent, stand up for your son.

TheCatterall · 04/10/2023 00:01

Your soN is going through something and really needs help, support and this matter getting to the bottom off.

threats from your partner are ineffective if Ds is saying he doesn’t care and if your partner does get rid of stuff I think it will permanently damage any hopes of reconciliation or improvement between them.

Maybe DS is having a MH issue, depression, dabbling with substances - who knows. Can you reach out to his friends if he has any decent ones?

if my son was being a little shit and had the brief moment of being lovely my Mum radar would be screaming bay me that he needs me more than ever. My son was near suicidal by the time I got through to him. If I’d had a partner like yours I worry it would have pushed him further away from opening up to me.

massive hugs @nuttish - I’d be explaining to my partner that this isn’t how I want to deal with it and what I’m worried about. You need your partner to listen and support you. Surely he too can see this is recent and out of character behaviour?

RantyAnty · 04/10/2023 00:17

It sounds like your son is really struggling and doesn't need threats from a manipulative arsehole like you partner.

Tell him to stay out of it or he can leave.

KajsaKavat · 04/10/2023 00:54

We are all seeing the bigger picture here and trying to advise OP so she has any chance of having a relationship with her son in the future. Or even having a son.

Lilithlogic · 04/10/2023 00:55

It sounds to like you have also abandoned your son to your dp, someone who has known him five minutes. He is your son and he needs you.

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