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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go this work event

34 replies

Clarabeans · 02/10/2023 21:23

I’m 10 weeks pregnant and really struggling with nausea and exhaustion. It is much worse in the evening, it usually comes on around 5pm and I end up in bed at 7pm. I’ve been managing it by working from home as if I commute I don’t get home until 7pm or later and most times when that happens I end up being physically sick all evening. My commute partly involves public transport and I’ve become really prone to travel sickness since falling pregnant which makes the sickness worse.

Ive been asked to go to a work event this week that won’t finish until 7pm, I will then have to commute home so won’t be back until after 8 ish. There won’t be proper food at the event either so I won’t be able to eat until late. I’m getting so worried about it as I know it’s going to knock me all evening and into the next day. My managers do know I’m pregnant but they just say the event is compulsory (it’s an internal team day). I’m not sure if I’m just being pathetic or if I can refuse to attend? I’m actually still awake now as I’m worrying about it and the impact on my reputation if I don’t go and my health if I do go!

OP posts:
Dinosaurus86 · 02/10/2023 21:26

Is it just an evening event or all day? Could you go for some of it and leave early with apologies that you were just sick in the loos, so sorry etc.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 02/10/2023 21:27

What time does it start? I'd try to go and leave early if at all possible.

JC89 · 02/10/2023 21:28

They should count themselves lucky you are able to do your normal work - I had 4 weeks off sick in my first trimester of my first pregnancy and 3 weeks off in this one. Unless they want you to vomit on them, it's not compulsory.

truecolour · 02/10/2023 21:29

I can’t see how or why this ought to be compulsory for you. Maybe just go for half an hour.

DaughterNo2 · 02/10/2023 21:29

Can’t you take some snacks?

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/10/2023 21:30

Can you stay overnight so miss out the commute?

Original poster
Clarabeans · 02/10/2023 21:30

It starts at lunchtime, I am guessing they expect us to have an early lunch then last until it finishes.

OP posts:
Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 02/10/2023 21:30

Haven't you got an antenatal appointment on that day op, oh diddums

Crazycrazylady · 02/10/2023 22:41

Honestly I'd go in late and go and keep snacks jn my bag for later when I get hungry.

NCGrandParent · 02/10/2023 22:52

Are you in UK? If so, they may fall foul of Equality Act 2010 if you are penalised for not attending due to pregnancy symptoms.

When you say "compulsory" do you mean it is a contracted part of your duties? Or that everyone is expected to attend?

I had to do a lot of travelling in my first trimester with DC1 and it was awful. Early mornings, late evenings. I had a bag full of snacks and slept as much as possible. But then I hadn't told work and didn't want to so just had to carry on. I'm not sure I would do it again and certainly wouldn't advise it.

lanthanum · 02/10/2023 22:57

Tell them you'll need to leave at 4pm as otherwise you're likely to be sick. You might have to explain that "morning sickness" doesn't always happen in the morning. (I used to commute with someone who had bad nausea late afternoon - we had to leave very promptly to get her home before it started.)

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 02/10/2023 23:15

I'd be sick. Possibly for a few days, and it sounds like this might not be entirely untrue. Bear in mind that pregnancy related sickness must be recorded seperately, and can not be used against you.

SMabbutt · 02/10/2023 23:15

What does your contract say about your working hours? Unless there is anything requiring overtime or work outside of normal time just say you need to stick to your contracted hours, particularly as you are pregnant and are trying to manage the early symptoms without asking for any reasonable adjustments or taking time off.

Focalpoint · 03/10/2023 07:43

Rest in the morning
Bring food
Leave early if you aren't feeling well.

Overthebow · 03/10/2023 07:53

Can you go at lunchtime and leave before the end?

gotomomo · 03/10/2023 07:58

Take some food with you, take ginger tea, and a packet of ginger thins - I lived on them. I was commuting to central London daily so had to try everything, this works.

topnoddy · 03/10/2023 08:01

What would they do if you refused to attend this event I wonder ?

Jesseweneedtocook · 03/10/2023 08:18

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/10/2023 21:30

Can you stay overnight so miss out the commute?

Literally why on earth should she do that? Jeez.

MrsPinkCock · 03/10/2023 09:17

It depends. Are you required to work additional hours in your contract? That’s effectively what they’re asking you to do.

It would be far less reasonable of them to ask if you’re not contracted to work outside regular hours on occasion, or they’re genuinely expecting a pregnant woman to go without food for 8 hours. You could ask them to specifically risk assess the event for you and see whether they backtrack…

I remember the extreme tiredness well, and I wouldn’t have fancied it either. But surely some compromise can be made where you attend for goodwill and leave if it makes you unwell. That way you’re showing willingness and also looking after yourself.

dayofcheese · 03/10/2023 09:19

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 02/10/2023 21:30

Haven't you got an antenatal appointment on that day op, oh diddums

They may want to see proof

Janieforever · 03/10/2023 09:21

Of course it’s compulsory and I can’t get my head round someone saying they should count themselves lucky you front up at all to work.

if you’re too ill to attend then self certify and don’t. Alternatively go, take snacks, and if you don’t feel great explain you need to leave early and then do so.

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 09:26

Plan for it.
Pack some healthy snacks, attend the compulsory function and have some way of getting home that you can cope with.
Some one else drives or picks you up, you take an uber, you take an overnight bag and sleep in a Motel.
Make decisions to make it possible.

Fiddlerdragon · 03/10/2023 09:28

I think you’re making a bit of a bigger deal than it needs to be. No one’s going to expect a pregnant woman to go without food if she needs it. I’d either go to the event and leave about 5pm or whenever I’m hungry, tell them that you need to leave as you need a meal or you’ll start to feel unwell. Or bring food with you and just leave when you’ve had enough. I get that pregnancy can feel awful but I think a bit of compromise is needed both ways, rather than you refusing to go to a compulsory part of your job because you’d like to be in bed by 7pm

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 09:33

Is it 'compulsory'? If so, why? Or is it 'expected'? So what would the ramifications be if you didn't?

anicecuppateaa · 03/10/2023 09:37

I would go and leave early.