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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Work husband/wife”

68 replies

SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 13:15

AIBU to think that the use of this term is highly insulting to an individual’s actual relationship /partner?

That while you can go to work and have friendly relationships with the people there and have a laugh, that’s not really appropriate to say to someone who’s in a relationship.

DP is a manager and a woman who started only a few weeks ago had sent him WhatsApp messages with a screenshot of his number in her phone showing she had set it to ‘work husband’ and was laughing about it in the following message saying ‘oh look what I’ve set your contact as!’ DP had shut it down but I did question how she felt comfortable saying that in the first place. But I have given him the benefit of the doubt as there was clear evidence in his reply that he was not indulging it at all.

It has made me uncomfortable though. He’s not anyones husband, but he is my fiancé.

OP posts:
Worddance · 02/10/2023 13:16

I don't like it. She probably meant no harm though.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/10/2023 13:17

I don't mind it. To me it just means the person you get on really well with at work

soddingspiderseason · 02/10/2023 13:20

I job-shared for many years and did refer to my job share partner as my 'work wife' as you need to have a close relationship with that person to manage your shared job well, particularly when you manage staff. I do agree though, that in ordinary circumstances, it's a bit odd to use the expression.

dreamingbohemian · 02/10/2023 13:21

Depends on context surely?

My DH used to work with a woman for a long time who could probably have been called his work wife, it didn't bother me as they worked together for so long, both happily married etc.

Your situation OP is rather different, that is a new hire being overly familiar. Very cringe. Good on your partner for shutting it down but it's nothing to do with you really, I wouldn't worry about it.

Original poster
SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 13:25

Worddance · 02/10/2023 13:16

I don't like it. She probably meant no harm though.

I’m honestly not sure. She is the same age and was giving me absolute daggers when I went to meet DP at work at the end of his shift. This was before I knew about the text so I do worry she has set her sights on him.

OP posts:
TrainTrooper · 02/10/2023 13:30

dreamingbohemian · 02/10/2023 13:21

Depends on context surely?

My DH used to work with a woman for a long time who could probably have been called his work wife, it didn't bother me as they worked together for so long, both happily married etc.

Your situation OP is rather different, that is a new hire being overly familiar. Very cringe. Good on your partner for shutting it down but it's nothing to do with you really, I wouldn't worry about it.

I agree with all of this. Same as my boss refers to 'our boyfriend' (hers) as we are close and have worked together so long. She would probably be the equivalent of my 'work wife' (if it worked that way between two females - no reason it shouldnt) we notice the other is hungry, tired, upset, buy coffees and are confidants. We have been friend for years in and out of work though.
A new hire is overstepping.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 02/10/2023 13:32

I think its inappropriate and suggesting a blurring of lines.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 02/10/2023 13:32

I think its inappropriate and suggesting a blurring of lines.

YeahNoYeah · 02/10/2023 13:32

I worked with someone who they were each others work husband/wife. Literally just a joke, both really nice people and it was definitely not a cheating situation.

However, a new recruit a few weeks in...why does she even have his number? And what's the context, did he say someone has joked about it work or something? Still could be totally innocent, what was his reply to her? Shut her down how? And did he show you the messages?

Choccybear20 · 02/10/2023 13:37

YANBU she’s after him and has no problem pushing boundaries after just a few weeks. I feel sorry for you because this will just be so exhausting. Why do people do this?! Maybe she will leave eventually, but if not then there’s not much you can do, just keep an eye on what’s happening and trust your partner to do the right thing…..I think you should always trust until you’re given reason not to.

lilyblue5 · 02/10/2023 13:53

I was coming to say, YABU.

but then I read further and decided it’s inappropriate.

I know a lot of people who joke about work husband/wife but the way you describe her seems like she’s trying some flirty banter.

therefore YANBU.

Lottapianos · 02/10/2023 13:56

'I think its inappropriate and suggesting a blurring of lines'

Agree. I always think there's an element of flirting involved. It's far too coy and cutesy

EdinaMonsoon · 02/10/2023 14:04

Having read the responses above, I began to change my mind a little but I still err on the side of the term being inappropriate. If you have a good friend at work it is simply that - a friend. It comes across to me like some attempt at claiming that your relationship with that person is as close as the one that they have with their spouse. I kind of feel that it's a little demeaning to the actual marriage that person has. You can be as close as you like as friends but it will never be as intimate as marriage when it comes to truly knowing the person. Or perhaps I need to unclench 😉I only know that I would hate someone to refer to me as their work spouse and ditto for DH.

Kemper · 02/10/2023 14:06

It’s just Yank bullshit designed to make people think they enjoy work more than they do

mum344 · 02/10/2023 14:08

I would not be happy if I saw this from one of my DH's staff members, especially a new member!! I'd be questioning why she thought this was an appropriate thing to do in the first place?

Firebug007 · 02/10/2023 14:10

It's inappropriate and crosses boundaries, I'd go mental at this one!

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/10/2023 14:11

I think it's fine and in previous workplaces have had a joke about it. But all parties felt comfortable. In your case, it is highlighting your insecurities. Plus it wasn't something anybody did within a few weeks of starting, so I'm not surprised you felt uncomfortable.

Astrid01 · 02/10/2023 14:11

I call my boss my work wife. We are both straight females. It's just a joke because we work so closely with each other and on certain things can finish each other's train of thought / sentences.
I wouldn't think too much of it.

Ffsmakeitstop · 02/10/2023 14:15

Apparently I'm most people's "work mum", quite nice until you realise it means being the only one to wash up 😉. It is good that they all feel they can come and moan at me and it doesn't go any further. I should have been a counsellor. Apart from two colleagues I am actually old enough to be everybody's mum 😂😂

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2023 14:16

Wouldn't bother me generally. But the fact this one has barely been in the door 5 minutes and sending your partner those screenshots does suggest she wants to dip her nib in the office ink.

LoraPiano · 02/10/2023 14:26

Unnecessary, inappropriate, and demeaning. I am sure he would have disliked it a lot more if it was a man (say a gay man) saving his number as his work husband.

Original poster
SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 14:32

I trust my partner. It’s not that I think he will be flirting back. But this is a very small team. Like 6 people in the entire business including the owner. He’s the manager so there every day and it’s usually 1 or 2 additional staff with him. So It’s more the idea that some days he could be working alone with her. Like I said, it’s not that I don’t trust him but I barely see my partner. Sometimes he’s working 50/60 hours in a week and the idea that some of those days he’s alone with her while she’s trying to get her claws in and I’m not seeing him is upsetting.

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 02/10/2023 14:33

I used to work with a woman who called me her work wife. She was way too familiar with me and her entire life revolved around work to the point she would ring me late at night to talk about it. She rang me every single day, constant texts, always wanting my attention, trying to socialise with me outside of work as well. I had tried to be polite and came along to a few things she invited me to and took all her calls to begin with but then I had to start just being quite blunt.
It sort of came to a head when DH and I got engaged and she and her DW approached him and asked if he would donate sperm so they can have a baby and their baby and our baby would be siblings.

I ghosted her after that.

Lottapianos · 02/10/2023 14:37

'It is good that they all feel they can come and moan at me and it doesn't go any further'

Is it good for you though? Are you ok with being everybody's sounding board?

Universitynewbie · 02/10/2023 14:38

I used to think this was harmless office banter but have changed my mind.
I have witnessed predatory type behaviour disguised as calling someone their work husband/wife in a cutesy way and it has always been one of the party at least hoping something more would happen and doing it in plain sight of the rest of the office as they say it is just a strong friendship/connection- it never has been in my experience even if it takes years for the truth to surface.
I think the scenario some people are talking about here where straight people of the same sex jokingly call someone this is totally different.

Edited to add I also find it grossly disrespectful to a partner at home. I would be furious is someone was calling my husband their work husband