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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Work husband/wife”

68 replies

SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 13:15

AIBU to think that the use of this term is highly insulting to an individual’s actual relationship /partner?

That while you can go to work and have friendly relationships with the people there and have a laugh, that’s not really appropriate to say to someone who’s in a relationship.

DP is a manager and a woman who started only a few weeks ago had sent him WhatsApp messages with a screenshot of his number in her phone showing she had set it to ‘work husband’ and was laughing about it in the following message saying ‘oh look what I’ve set your contact as!’ DP had shut it down but I did question how she felt comfortable saying that in the first place. But I have given him the benefit of the doubt as there was clear evidence in his reply that he was not indulging it at all.

It has made me uncomfortable though. He’s not anyones husband, but he is my fiancé.

OP posts:
mrsmamoa · 02/10/2023 14:42

dreamingbohemian · 02/10/2023 13:21

Depends on context surely?

My DH used to work with a woman for a long time who could probably have been called his work wife, it didn't bother me as they worked together for so long, both happily married etc.

Your situation OP is rather different, that is a new hire being overly familiar. Very cringe. Good on your partner for shutting it down but it's nothing to do with you really, I wouldn't worry about it.

I agree. I worked with someone (I went to school with) for fifteen years and we referred to each other in this way. We were only work friends but knew each others DH/DW if we bumped into each other outside work. Someone new to the company and also the fact your fiancé is their manager seems very OTT and inappropriate to me.

jeaux90 · 02/10/2023 14:42

CatamaranViper · 02/10/2023 14:33

I used to work with a woman who called me her work wife. She was way too familiar with me and her entire life revolved around work to the point she would ring me late at night to talk about it. She rang me every single day, constant texts, always wanting my attention, trying to socialise with me outside of work as well. I had tried to be polite and came along to a few things she invited me to and took all her calls to begin with but then I had to start just being quite blunt.
It sort of came to a head when DH and I got engaged and she and her DW approached him and asked if he would donate sperm so they can have a baby and their baby and our baby would be siblings.

I ghosted her after that.

JFC that's horrific.

I find the whole work wife/husband thing really cringey, it's like something out of The office.

OP pay it no mind, you trust your DP so I'd brush it off with a slap down like "god that's so adolescent and cringe she says that"

jenpil · 02/10/2023 14:50

Ffsmakeitstop · 02/10/2023 14:15

Apparently I'm most people's "work mum", quite nice until you realise it means being the only one to wash up 😉. It is good that they all feel they can come and moan at me and it doesn't go any further. I should have been a counsellor. Apart from two colleagues I am actually old enough to be everybody's mum 😂😂

That's nice. I like that. I need a work Mum or work Aunty. All places should have them.

ManateeFair · 02/10/2023 14:50

AIBU to think that the use of this term is highly insulting to an individual’s actual relationship /partner?

'Highly insulting' is a big overreaction. 'A bit irritating' would be more proportionate.

Lavender14 · 02/10/2023 14:52

My dhs work wife is a 67 year old man and we joke about it a lot but I love that they're besties. Truthfully don't think I'd love it as much if it was a female his age. I wouldn't assume there's anything untoward but I see why you feel the way you do.

dreamingbohemian · 02/10/2023 15:51

SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 14:32

I trust my partner. It’s not that I think he will be flirting back. But this is a very small team. Like 6 people in the entire business including the owner. He’s the manager so there every day and it’s usually 1 or 2 additional staff with him. So It’s more the idea that some days he could be working alone with her. Like I said, it’s not that I don’t trust him but I barely see my partner. Sometimes he’s working 50/60 hours in a week and the idea that some of those days he’s alone with her while she’s trying to get her claws in and I’m not seeing him is upsetting.

This doesn't sound very healthy OP

Are you sure you trust him? If you trust him completely then that means trusting him to shut her down and there's nothing to worry about

This idea of a perfectly innocent man trapped by a woman 'trying to get her claws in' is depressing. If anything happens it will be because he chooses to do something, she's not a witch or something.

Ffsmakeitstop · 02/10/2023 16:00

Yes because I like a good moan too. I realised today that I know quite a bit about people that they don't realise I know. It's never anything very deep.

MasterBeth · 02/10/2023 16:07

I don't think it's appropriate. It's everyday sexism and a bit boundary-blurring. I would be grateful my fiancee had tried to kill it and now wouldn't think any more about it.

Stephisaur · 02/10/2023 16:12

I don't mind the term, but saying that - your work spouse cannot be a superior/junior - they should be on the same level as you. Also, it's typically for someone you have worked with FOREVER, rather than someone you've not long met?

Glad your DP has shut it down, if there's anything else like this he'd do well to mention it to HR in case things go sour at any point and she tries to make false allegations against him.

HoneyBadgerMom · 02/10/2023 16:12

I don't like it. It's unprofessional and supports the belief that men and women can't relate to each other as people. I reject the notion that men and women can't be colleagues or friends the same as men and men or women and women.

That said, it's not a big deal, it's just a thing people say. I don't like it, but that doesn't mean it's somehow fraught with meaning or is a big deal. I have my own issues with it, but those are my issues and I don't expect everyone else to cater to me. In your position, I would probably tell my husband that I don't like her saying that about him, but I wouldn't get in a fight about it or anything.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 02/10/2023 16:21

I used to have a work husband. Only because I didn't have my own drawer in the office when I was bank staff so I shared his. When I became a full time member of staff and got my own drawer we got divorced Grin
We were both single though!

WhiteFire · 02/10/2023 16:26

Stephisaur · 02/10/2023 16:12

I don't mind the term, but saying that - your work spouse cannot be a superior/junior - they should be on the same level as you. Also, it's typically for someone you have worked with FOREVER, rather than someone you've not long met?

Glad your DP has shut it down, if there's anything else like this he'd do well to mention it to HR in case things go sour at any point and she tries to make false allegations against him.

I agree with this.

My colleague swings between my 'right-hand man' and my 'work husband ' he sometimes infuriates me and I tell him what he has to do.

HernesEgg · 02/10/2023 16:30

I have had really close male friends at work, people I worked closely with, but I find the term ‘work husband’ sickeningly twee and fairly reactionary, as if there’s only one method of men and women relating, therefore a marital template. It sounds like something out of one of those 1950s Ladybird books, but with the ‘work husband’ getting stuff off high shelves for his ‘work wife’ and the ‘work wife’ bustling around in a pinny bringing him cups of tea.

WhiteFire · 02/10/2023 17:44

‘work husband’ getting stuff off high shelves for his ‘work wife’

As a foot taller than me, yes he would.

and the ‘work wife’ bustling around in a pinny bringing him cups of tea.

I don't make tea for anyone, including my actual husband.

Goldfish41 · 02/10/2023 17:47

SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 13:25

I’m honestly not sure. She is the same age and was giving me absolute daggers when I went to meet DP at work at the end of his shift. This was before I knew about the text so I do worry she has set her sights on him.

Show quote history

I think that might be more of a concern than the specific term itself - as a PP said it’s about context, I might use it to refer to my very longstanding best mate at work (absolutely no fancying involved whatsoever) but it does seem odd for her to go to it so early on!

50lessfat · 02/10/2023 17:49

It’s pathetic. My husband would tell her to stop being so unprofessional as I would too if someone described me as this.

WhateverMate · 02/10/2023 18:06

It's irritating and twee but in order for it to be 'highly insulting', you'd have to take it seriously.

Original poster
SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 19:18

This is not Linda and Bill who have shared an office for 15 years though. This is a 25 year old who’s decided her manager and superior is her ‘work husband’ and had the brass neck to tell him so after working there for 2 weeks and knowing he has a partner! And that isn’t even every day, she’s part time. So we’re talking a maximum of about 8 days in those 2 weeks. The dirty looks she was giving me after being introduced as his partner combined with that surely suggest she fancies my DP taking all the context into account.

I obviously don’t think DP is going to be ravaging her at work, but it goes back to the whole idea of the ‘cool wife’ thing doesn’t it? It’s surely not unusual to be a bit uncomfortable that someone is flirting with your partner.

The thread on here the other day highlights how some people can get a bit carried away with work crushes.

OP posts:
FlopsSake · 02/10/2023 19:25

Makes me cringe 🤣

SmokedCheese · 02/10/2023 21:47

It’s just a joke term, it’s not a biggie.

Mountaineer0009 · 02/10/2023 21:54

time will tell ?

Mountaineer0009 · 02/10/2023 21:55

SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 19:18

This is not Linda and Bill who have shared an office for 15 years though. This is a 25 year old who’s decided her manager and superior is her ‘work husband’ and had the brass neck to tell him so after working there for 2 weeks and knowing he has a partner! And that isn’t even every day, she’s part time. So we’re talking a maximum of about 8 days in those 2 weeks. The dirty looks she was giving me after being introduced as his partner combined with that surely suggest she fancies my DP taking all the context into account.

I obviously don’t think DP is going to be ravaging her at work, but it goes back to the whole idea of the ‘cool wife’ thing doesn’t it? It’s surely not unusual to be a bit uncomfortable that someone is flirting with your partner.

The thread on here the other day highlights how some people can get a bit carried away with work crushes.

how long then before the term would be acceptable ?

WetBandits · 02/10/2023 21:58

I have a ‘work mum’ and a ‘work wife’ but a ‘work husband’ can get to fuck! Not sure I even want the home husband most of the time Grin

Newname2308 · 02/10/2023 22:19

HernesEgg · 02/10/2023 16:30

I have had really close male friends at work, people I worked closely with, but I find the term ‘work husband’ sickeningly twee and fairly reactionary, as if there’s only one method of men and women relating, therefore a marital template. It sounds like something out of one of those 1950s Ladybird books, but with the ‘work husband’ getting stuff off high shelves for his ‘work wife’ and the ‘work wife’ bustling around in a pinny bringing him cups of tea.

Yes, this is exactly what I wanted to say!

I find the term yucky - never heard anyone in my office use it. My husband would be gutted if I talked about a male colleague like that. Your reaction is totally understandable OP.

Original poster
SpaceXStarship · 02/10/2023 22:26

how long then before the term would be acceptable ?

Never, in my opinion. Im just replying to previous repliers logic and experiences.

OP posts: