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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Copycat friend

35 replies

Starfish125 · 02/10/2023 09:11

Absolutely pathetic and a real third world problem but I need to vent and see if I AIBU?

In a nutshell she's my best mate in the whole world, couldn't ask for a better mate. Except for the copying. And I don't mean clothes or shoes as we have different styles, that wouldn't actually bother me, it's the bigger stuff.

So I got a job on a ward in a hospital, she then applied for the same job same ward and got it. At the time I thought great, besties working together. Except I now realise there's very little separating us and it's a bit overwhelming. Same with the car, I got a car, she went out the next week and got one (not the same mind u) but still got a new car. Then I booked a holiday to Corfu (this was 2 years ago) and she booked the same holiday but different hotel, so I think she thinks that's ok as it's not exactly the same? It's now started with our daughters who are 3 months between (that wasn't copied lol) but my daughter told me this morning that BF DD now goes to a club that my DD friends go to so now BF DD says all your friends are my friends now, so I understand my DDs annoyance!
I plan on booking a weekend away to NYC for DH 40th in 2 years time but I feel like I can't tell her as she'll do the bloody same!! AIBU? Would this annoy you or am I being petty?

OP posts:
JasmineButtercup · 02/10/2023 09:15

I’d just stop giving her so much information about what you’re doing. I doubt she’s trying to be horrible. She probably just sees what you do and thinks it looks like a good idea.

CherryBlossom321 · 02/10/2023 09:16

Often people do see this type of complaint as petty, but as someone who has experienced the same with a couple of people in my life, it does get irritating, suffocating and overwhelming. My solution was to stop sharing plans and withdraw a bit from the friendship. I then felt a lot more peaceful.

CaroleSinger · 02/10/2023 09:21

She is only able to do this because you share so much personal information with her. There's your solution, stop telling her everything you're planning and doing.

RoseyRosed · 02/10/2023 09:25

Tell her you've booked to go to Paris, or will be joining a new club, see if she does those things...

Luana1 · 02/10/2023 09:36

Sounds like she doesn't have a very strong sense of self and is basing her personality on yours - is she your best friend as she moulds herself to whatever she thinks you want in a friend? Does she have many good qualities that aren't just a reflection of you? It's actually quite creepy, this would freak me out and I would be feeling very suffocated.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 02/10/2023 09:42

With the possible exception of the job I'm not sure if this is her copying you.

Re. the job. Are you both trained HCPs? Could this job have been the best for her in terms of career advancement?
If not then she might have thought it would be great, besties working together, but I can see why it would annoy you.

Re. the car. So it's not the same make as yours? So she's not copying you then. Could just be coincidence, or maybe you buying a new car prompted her to think that her old car was on its last legs or wasn't suitable for some reason and she could do with a replacement.

Re. the holiday. Maybe she hadn't thought about where to go on holiday and you talking about Corfu made her look it up and she thought it seemed nice.

Re. the club. So your daughter doesn't go there? Just some of her friends? How is it copying you to send her daughter to a club your daughter doesn't go to. And her daughter saying they had the same friends now, just a factual statement with no sinister undertones?

Bluefray · 02/10/2023 09:44

Apply a fake transfer tattoo of something hideous and watch what happens Grin

I've had similar in the past. If she's otherwise a good friend, stop telling her things. Sounds like she doesn't have a sense of self.

fisherhatesgravel · 02/10/2023 09:51

I agree with another poster. Tell her you've booked a trip to Paris for DH birthday but book somewhere else, then tell her a week before that you changed your mind and going somewhere else

SallyWD · 02/10/2023 09:57

I think some people just lack ideas and lack the confidence to make decisions, so they copy others because it's easier. For example, maybe she really wanted a holiday but had absolutely no idea where to go. You did the research and found a nice resort so it's easy for her to book the same place.
Maybe she wanted her DD to join a club but couldn't be bothered to look in to it. She knew your DD went to a club so she booked her in to the same one. Job done.
I think it could be this rather than her wanting to be exactly like you.

Somethingweirdisgoingon · 02/10/2023 09:57

I've been here including the job copying, but the car was identical, the clothes were the same, perfume, skincare, holidays, niche hobbies, even things like the same TV I bought, same kettle, same jewellery and naming her cat the same... it was honestly the most ridiculous and irritating few years of my life. I would post something very specific / unusual on instagram and within a day it would have been (badly) copied.

I kept all these feelings to myself until friends started saying they thought it was really weird and noticed it all completely independently of my concerns (I really hadn't said a word about it because I felt so petty) and it was that which validated my feelings of annoyance. Anyway, it turned out she was a compulsive liar, things I had taken as being basic truths were all fantasy nonsense and I ended the friendship.

I believe she (and people like her) are very insecure and have no sense of who they are, so they make up stories and imitate to try and fit in. It's sad really.

regularmumnotacoolmum · 02/10/2023 09:58

CherryBlossom321 · 02/10/2023 09:16

Often people do see this type of complaint as petty, but as someone who has experienced the same with a couple of people in my life, it does get irritating, suffocating and overwhelming. My solution was to stop sharing plans and withdraw a bit from the friendship. I then felt a lot more peaceful.

This. I have a sister in law like this. It's not even about sharing information. She would see me wearing something or my mil would mention our plans about a future trip or past trip then suddenly my sil would do the same.

readingismycardio · 02/10/2023 10:00

RoseyRosed · 02/10/2023 09:25

Tell her you've booked to go to Paris, or will be joining a new club, see if she does those things...

Omg, this!!! Tell her the exact opposite of your plans! And then tell her you changed your mind but forgot to tell her!

Didimum · 02/10/2023 10:03

Do you mean going to Corfu and NYC at same time as you? That’s a little odd. If not at the same time, I can’t really see myself caring.

The car - I’m genuinely not sure how this is anything to do with you? Why do you care if she gets a new car?

Your daughters - this is children and friendships for you. Doesn’t sound like anything out of the ordinary. Presumably you live in the same place so the same clubs are available? Your daughter doesn’t go, so what’s the copying issue? Sounds like her daughter was just pleased to be making some friends.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 02/10/2023 10:05

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 02/10/2023 09:42

With the possible exception of the job I'm not sure if this is her copying you.

Re. the job. Are you both trained HCPs? Could this job have been the best for her in terms of career advancement?
If not then she might have thought it would be great, besties working together, but I can see why it would annoy you.

Re. the car. So it's not the same make as yours? So she's not copying you then. Could just be coincidence, or maybe you buying a new car prompted her to think that her old car was on its last legs or wasn't suitable for some reason and she could do with a replacement.

Re. the holiday. Maybe she hadn't thought about where to go on holiday and you talking about Corfu made her look it up and she thought it seemed nice.

Re. the club. So your daughter doesn't go there? Just some of her friends? How is it copying you to send her daughter to a club your daughter doesn't go to. And her daughter saying they had the same friends now, just a factual statement with no sinister undertones?

All of this. I think it's a bit of leap to suggest that anything other than the job are copying you...

The car isn't the same as yours

The holiday isn't even the same resort (and potentially not even the same time?)

Her DD is going to a club that your DD doesn't even attend - did she even know her friends went before arriving herself?

You are massively overthinking this based on what you've posted

needtonamechangeagain · 02/10/2023 10:05

I had this for about 2 years it was so annoying. Even down to what my kids were wearing, what plants were in my garden etc.

I used to just lie about plans, tell her my dress was Ralph Lauren when it was new look etc

It was a bit crazy but it eventually needed and she found a new person to copy.

AMuser · 02/10/2023 10:06

Just a small point but it’s a first world problem you mean …

Bit annoying tho.

Meeting · 02/10/2023 10:08

Honestly I don't think people realise how annoying this can be unless they have been in the situation. My advice is to be less forthcoming with info about your life and see if there's any opportunities to progress in your work or change departments.

pizzaHeart · 02/10/2023 10:10

I think some people are just really focused on having the same as everyone, maybe they want to blend in or it’s lack of confidence in a way , they don’t want anyone to have extra or to be better.
My sister is like this she can’t cope if someone is talking of something - she wants it straight away. She would have 4 coats and if I’d say : I need a coat. (As I don’t have any) She would say straight away: Me too. And she’ll go and buy it. In some situation you may say that yes, she needs that 5th coat but the problem is that until I’ve mentioned me buying coat it didn’t occur to her to buy one.
Some people are fine with this type of following but as you’ve noticed it and it annoys you, it means you are not. It’s quite suffocating and I would just tell her less and be vague about things even after. Or I would tell her if asked : Oh it’s nothing tell me better about .. and then ask about her DC, her job, her pet etc

Original poster
Starfish125 · 02/10/2023 10:14

Maybe I am being over sensitive after reading these comments, OH mentioned it without me saying anything to him hence why I was thinking it was getting a bit obvious and annoying but I guess it could be worse! I think I'll keep the big stuff to myself just so I don't get annoyed lol

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 02/10/2023 10:26

I used to think this was quite a petty thing to notice/observe, but to be honest I think it's more normal than not.

Humans like to copy each other. That's why influencing works as a model. Whenever my friends get together, the first question people ask is "any recommendations?" for the city.

My husband and I actually prefer to busk around and pick at random based on thirst, or feet hurting or whatever, but the norm seems to be working through recommendations of where to go.

It just seems freakier at close proximity.

PicnicBunny · 02/10/2023 20:45

I agree with you that this is very annoying. Even disrespectful on some level. Have had this so often in my life that I have become quite ‘mysterious’ (even to myself 😂)

Octobermeterreadtime · 02/10/2023 20:49

Get thyself a photo with a fake tattoo and post it on sm op.

Do it..

PicnicBunny · 02/10/2023 20:54

I watched The Talented Mr Ripley just a few days ago it is really really creepy to copy people. It’s like an obsession. Especially if it’s unspoken and without first complimenting or talking about it. One of my friends practically dresses like me (if I buy a coat she will instantly buy the same so we are out wearing the same thing unless I stop wearing mine) and I just suck it up thinking of it as a compliment in a way. I don’t know why she does it.

I’ve sort of mentioned it a few times but she sees no problem with it. She’s asked to rent my house also when I move out(!?)

Beachwalker66 · 02/10/2023 20:54

Gosh I would have so much fun with this…

pinkyredrose · 03/10/2023 15:19

Are you sure she's copying? Going on holiday in Europe and getting a new car are quite normal things to do.

There could easily be a few things you've done a few months after she has, wouldn't mean you're copying her.

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