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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas visitation request for DD's dad

38 replies

ana101012 · 01/10/2023 22:45

I'm not sure if I'm just being a cow or not so if I am please tell me!!

We have a current court order that DD's dad has her every Sunday full day 8:30-5 (while I'm at work). He's asked to have her Boxing Day and me have her Christmas Day. Now Boxing Day isn't a Sunday but Christmas Eve is. I've said no as he has her Xmas Eve so can do Xmas with her that day and this year is probably the first year she'll half understand/get excited so if anything he has the best deal as he gets the 'first Xmas' with her. He's said he wants her both Xmas eve and that's his day and also Boxing Day. Asked if anything planned special for that day and he said no as all family will be there Xmas eve but just wants her because he feels he should have her.

So there's no mis-leading he sees her once a week supervised- the supervision will be reaccessed in May (not sure if this is actually relevant or not)

I don't think IABU but please correct me if I am x

OP posts:
sr92 · 02/10/2023 00:53

Court orders are granted for a reason. You have every right to stick to it. YANBU. He's had an entire year to know what day Boxing Day is on he could have asked early enough in time to go through courts to arrange more time to see his child. If he wants more contact as I said he can go through courts to up his time if they see fit

PizzaPastaWine · 02/10/2023 00:57

Why does he see her so little and how old is DD?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2023 00:57

Court ordered and supervised. I assume he's not a great person.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 00:58

Whilst court orders should be adhered to I really don’t see what the issue would be with him having her boxing day as well. What’s going to happen where Christmas Eve, day and Boxing Day don’t fall on a Sunday? He doesn’t see her at all at Christmas?

for the sake of your joint child , who probably would like to see her dad at Christmas I would build up some goodwill and do it

however you could be tough and he could go back to court as it doesn’t appear he has her for any holidays, so at the moment he wouldn’t be able to take her away either

it appears the court order is all to suit you, not allow a relationship with his daughter

trulyunruly01 · 02/10/2023 00:59

Is it supervised in a contact centre? Who would supervise on Boxing Day?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2023 01:03

it appears the court order is all to suit you, not allow a relationship with his daughter

No, I think if there is supervised access the chances are the DD's safety is the #1 consideration.

crumblingschools · 02/10/2023 01:37

If Christmas Day falls on a Sunday what would happen with supervised access?

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/10/2023 01:38

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 00:58

Whilst court orders should be adhered to I really don’t see what the issue would be with him having her boxing day as well. What’s going to happen where Christmas Eve, day and Boxing Day don’t fall on a Sunday? He doesn’t see her at all at Christmas?

for the sake of your joint child , who probably would like to see her dad at Christmas I would build up some goodwill and do it

however you could be tough and he could go back to court as it doesn’t appear he has her for any holidays, so at the moment he wouldn’t be able to take her away either

it appears the court order is all to suit you, not allow a relationship with his daughter

No. The court will have assessed all the evidence available and determined what is in the best interests of the child. The fact that he is only allowed supervised access speaks volumes.

It's not about him. It's about what's best for the child.

Op stick to the court order. Otherwise it could backfire on you.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/10/2023 08:30

Who would supervise on Boxing Day. Is centre even open?

Mylovelygreendress · 02/10/2023 08:33

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 00:58

Whilst court orders should be adhered to I really don’t see what the issue would be with him having her boxing day as well. What’s going to happen where Christmas Eve, day and Boxing Day don’t fall on a Sunday? He doesn’t see her at all at Christmas?

for the sake of your joint child , who probably would like to see her dad at Christmas I would build up some goodwill and do it

however you could be tough and he could go back to court as it doesn’t appear he has her for any holidays, so at the moment he wouldn’t be able to take her away either

it appears the court order is all to suit you, not allow a relationship with his daughter

Court orders for supervised contact only are there for a reason !

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2023 08:39

YRNBU.
I’d just say no. We will stick to court ordered time as that is what we are supposed to do.

The problem for you would be that if you start changing things, he will ask again and again because you have blurred the boundaries once. Am assuming the order is there for a reason, which is to protect your daughter, so stick to it IMO

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2023 08:42

And it could be used against you when you go back to court in May. He could gain more access complete with overnights possibly, before the court would otherwise have done so because you were happy with more time on Boxing Day for example

RowenaEllis · 02/10/2023 08:43

Is the 8.30-5 supervised?
I wouldn't add any extra contact in TBH. Is the court order finalised? If not, you would be sensible to request a clause about special occasions (what happens when Xmas day is on a Sunday for example, will he have her? What about when it's a Wednesday and his contact days are days either side meaning he has none of Xmas time? These things need to be specified.

Ohthatsabitshit · 02/10/2023 08:44

I think you just do what the court order says. It’s there because it has to be.

RowenaEllis · 02/10/2023 08:46

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/10/2023 08:30

Who would supervise on Boxing Day. Is centre even open?

If it's 8.30 - 5 it is more likely to be supervised by a relative than in a contact centre.

pizzaHeart · 02/10/2023 08:49

Wouldnt it look better for him at the reassessment in May if he stuck to scheduled contacts only without rocking the boat?

I would say “no” as clearly it’s not as simple as you’ve separated because he was too nice. There is a reason for such restricted contact and it’s obvious from your post that your DD is very young.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2023 08:50

It’s an odd thing to ask, to have her one day, then her come back to you, then have her the next day. Sounds like it would be very unsettling for her.

I agree that supervised orders are there for a reason. Who would supervise Xmas Eve and Boxing Day?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2023 08:51

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2023 08:42

And it could be used against you when you go back to court in May. He could gain more access complete with overnights possibly, before the court would otherwise have done so because you were happy with more time on Boxing Day for example

More likely to go against him that he’s tried to make waves about Xmas Id have thought.

The reassessment is to reassess his suitability (if experience is anything to go by) not to make sure the OP has bent over backwards to accommodate him, and punish her and the child if she hasn’t.

CrazyHamsterLady · 02/10/2023 09:15

Stick to the court order. Normally, I’d say why don’t you just let it slide. However, the supervised contact clearly means that there’s issues there. Keep her safe and the court can decide later in the year what should happen going forward.

LNY1986 · 02/10/2023 09:23

Interesting.
I wonder what OP would be saying if Christmas Day this year fell on the Sunday?
I'm sure that all of a sudden, the court order would no longer be so important after all.
She would be refusing all access and practically throwing the child at him on Boxing Day!

And this will continue for the next 16-18 years....

kittensinthekitchen · 02/10/2023 09:40

"No, I'm afraid we can't legally deviate from the order without going back to court"

Autumnleaves89 · 02/10/2023 09:42

No way would I be sacrificing my entire christmas for him to spend it with her. It’s bad enough his access day falls in Christmas Eve-I would be gutted over that! YANBU.

LNY1986 · 02/10/2023 10:02

Yes how dare a father and daughter spend a few hours together over the Christmas period.

Once we've had their sperm they can get lost.

kittensinthekitchen · 02/10/2023 10:05

LNY1986 · 02/10/2023 10:02

Yes how dare a father and daughter spend a few hours together over the Christmas period.

Once we've had their sperm they can get lost.

Because that's what the courts have ordered 🙄

OhmygodDont · 02/10/2023 10:06

His got Christmas Eve so I think it’s fine. The poor child shouldn’t be ferried back and forth day after day regardless.

Christmas Eve daddy
Christmas day and the remainder of her custody time with her mum.
Daddy gets New Year’s Eve too since that’s Sunday. Bet he doesn’t want that day tho 🙃