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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas visitation request for DD's dad

38 replies

ana101012 · 01/10/2023 22:45

I'm not sure if I'm just being a cow or not so if I am please tell me!!

We have a current court order that DD's dad has her every Sunday full day 8:30-5 (while I'm at work). He's asked to have her Boxing Day and me have her Christmas Day. Now Boxing Day isn't a Sunday but Christmas Eve is. I've said no as he has her Xmas Eve so can do Xmas with her that day and this year is probably the first year she'll half understand/get excited so if anything he has the best deal as he gets the 'first Xmas' with her. He's said he wants her both Xmas eve and that's his day and also Boxing Day. Asked if anything planned special for that day and he said no as all family will be there Xmas eve but just wants her because he feels he should have her.

So there's no mis-leading he sees her once a week supervised- the supervision will be reaccessed in May (not sure if this is actually relevant or not)

I don't think IABU but please correct me if I am x

OP posts:
NowItsSpring · 02/10/2023 10:07

Contact is Court ordered and supervised. Such arrangements are not made lightly so I would stick to the arrangements set out until the review in May. In the longer term, assuming contact progresses then there will need to be some give and take about significant days - birthday, Christmas etc., but not yet.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 02/10/2023 10:07

LNY1986 · 02/10/2023 10:02

Yes how dare a father and daughter spend a few hours together over the Christmas period.

Once we've had their sperm they can get lost.

He's having her on Xmas eve - how is that not part of Xmas? And if there is court ordered supervised contact then that exists for a reason - usually because the dad is crap and can't be trusted to parent alone.

There's another thread about women-hating men using MN. I wonder where posters got that impression from.

Beautiful3 · 02/10/2023 10:11

I'd stick to court ordered Sundays.

kittensinthekitchen · 02/10/2023 10:13

NowItsSpring · 02/10/2023 10:07

Contact is Court ordered and supervised. Such arrangements are not made lightly so I would stick to the arrangements set out until the review in May. In the longer term, assuming contact progresses then there will need to be some give and take about significant days - birthday, Christmas etc., but not yet.

Yes, I'd say if you continue with a court order visitation schedule going forward, it should specify how things like Christmas will work (even if it's as general as 'one special Xmas day each')

Malificent1 · 02/10/2023 10:13

Be very careful that you’re not chopping your nose off to spite your face. If he goes to court they may very well order alternating Christmases/birthdays etc.

LNY1986 · 02/10/2023 10:14

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 02/10/2023 10:07

He's having her on Xmas eve - how is that not part of Xmas? And if there is court ordered supervised contact then that exists for a reason - usually because the dad is crap and can't be trusted to parent alone.

There's another thread about women-hating men using MN. I wonder where posters got that impression from.

Show quote history

A poster above me expressed her disgust at having to share any part of Christmas with their child's father.

My point is that a child is not a possession and deserves to see both parents/families over Christmas.

Dad's are just as entitled to time with their children over Xmas as Mum, yes this even applies when they only have minimal contact during the week.

So many Mothers think that because they have the children for the majority of the time they have exclusive rights to Christmas. They don't.

Nightynightnight · 02/10/2023 10:16

I do think you need to be careful with how you word the response. If you say that the court order must be adhered to verbatim then in the future any Christmas or birthday that falls on his day will be spent with him. Ordinarily this wouldn't be an issue when the dad is capable and the child is happy for this to happen. However given he has been ordered one day supervised, it doesn't seem that this is the case yet.

Perhaps something along the lines of "we should stick to the court ordered arrangement until the review in May" and then in May ask the court to formalise holiday and special arrangements if you don't feel that you can do this yourselves. You might find that he does this anyway.

GCAcademic · 02/10/2023 10:20

LNY1986 · 02/10/2023 10:14

A poster above me expressed her disgust at having to share any part of Christmas with their child's father.

My point is that a child is not a possession and deserves to see both parents/families over Christmas.

Dad's are just as entitled to time with their children over Xmas as Mum, yes this even applies when they only have minimal contact during the week.

So many Mothers think that because they have the children for the majority of the time they have exclusive rights to Christmas. They don't.

Show quote history

Did you miss the bit where the court has ordered that this fine specimen of a father has to see his child under supervision? And, if not, why do you think such a man "deserves" to see his child more, in spite of what the court has ordered as being in the child's interests?

LNY1986 · 02/10/2023 10:28

GCAcademic · 02/10/2023 10:20

Did you miss the bit where the court has ordered that this fine specimen of a father has to see his child under supervision? And, if not, why do you think such a man "deserves" to see his child more, in spite of what the court has ordered as being in the child's interests?

Show quote history

No I didn't miss that part.

My comment was in response to the poster above me who expressed disgust at sharing any part of Christmas with their child's father. Not directly to the OP.

By the way, there are many many reasons why a court will order supervised access, especially when a child is very young. Not all men (and women) who go through this are 'fine specimens'. OP has not said this particular father is violent or abusive and she hasn't said she is concerned for her daughter's welfare whilst with him.

Whiskeypowers · 02/10/2023 10:53

LNY1986 · 02/10/2023 10:14

A poster above me expressed her disgust at having to share any part of Christmas with their child's father.

My point is that a child is not a possession and deserves to see both parents/families over Christmas.

Dad's are just as entitled to time with their children over Xmas as Mum, yes this even applies when they only have minimal contact during the week.

So many Mothers think that because they have the children for the majority of the time they have exclusive rights to Christmas. They don't.

Show quote history

Actually it is nothing to do with what a parent is entitled to. It is legally what is in the best interests of the child who is the individual with the right to a relationship with both parents as a presumption.
the fact he has no overnights and supervised contact only through a court order should enable even someone as jaundiced as you to read between the lines on that one.
@ana101012 absolutely do not deviate from the court order.

Whattodo112222 · 02/10/2023 10:59

You do not need to give extra contact outside of the Court order.
I wouldn't give in to the request.

Whattodo112222 · 02/10/2023 11:00

Just out of interest OP. Who supervises the contact?

Autumnleaves89 · 02/10/2023 11:02

@LNY1986 If you’re referring to me, re read my post. I said I wouldn’t be sacrificing my ENTIRE christmas . And yes I would be disappointed to have to give up Christmas Eve, it’s the best day. Did I say I’d stop him? NO. 🙄

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