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Original poster

Should I be worried about my partners relationship with his female boss?

63 replies

Worriedmama4 · 01/10/2023 21:13

Me and my partner have been together 18 years. Have 3 kids (most recent baby 10 months old). We did go through a rough patch about 8 years ago, things haven’t been quite right since.
He has been at his current job a while now but recently, his relationship with his manager is getting me down. He is going for a promotion so he’s taken on more work and responsibilities but it is taking over his life.
he and his boss are constantly texting and he also calls her outside of work too. When he does this, he always goes outside for a walk or sits in the car to talk to her and is usually gone 1-2 hours. He says it’s because of his promotion etc but I just feel real uncomfortable about it. I also saw a few messages on his phone where he asked her to send a nude pic and she responded with ‘that’s all you want me for’ he responded with ‘you owe me’ and a laughing face. They also send love hearts to each other in text and one read ‘love you’. When I confronted him about then he said the nude pic one was a joke and the love hearts etc he sends to everyone. Am I being paranoid and over sensitive as tired with a young baby. I really need an outsiders perspective of possible please. I’m so lost. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedmama4 · 01/10/2023 22:27

I know it may seem obvious to you all, but please remember it’s so different when you’re in the middle of it. Plus it’s all happened gradually. I’ve obviously put the main points here but that doesn’t give a view of our everyday life. Please don’t be so quick to judge 😢
he came home from work early on Thursday, said his boss had done something to annoy him and didn’t back him up so he walked out. She then called him, he went off for his walk and when he came back he said he was going back to work. Then he didn’t go in the next day and said he’d just had enough and has no respect for her now and how much he doesn’t like her. Now he’s been out on call with her since 8.30 and it’s now 10.30 😢

OP posts:
Rosiem2808 · 01/10/2023 22:32

Oh OP. How awful. Don't let him play you with lies. He's running rings around you and you are just a bystander in this fiasco.

I think you need to ask him to leave while you gather your thoughts. Talk to a friend. Did you take screenshots of those messages?

sipsqueak · 01/10/2023 22:35

OP at the very least he is emotionally wrapped up in this woman. There is no other explanation for the behaviour.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 01/10/2023 22:50

If this isn't a troll... Lady get yourself together...he is CLEARLY LYING in Dave Chapelle voice...seriously they are having 'nudes' convos and he sits in his car for hours to talk to her ??? talking about what?? know it sucks but he's lying to you

savethatkitty · 01/10/2023 23:05

He's asked his female boss for a nude? If nothing was going on, she'd have shut him down & reported him for inappropriate conduct! Open your eyes. It's on between them.

Original poster
Worriedmama4 · 01/10/2023 23:09

He’s just said that it was a joke and that is their banter?? He’s just showed me another message to someone else he works with and he’s put hearts on it. He says he does to everyone. Said I’m not being supportive and he needs to keep her on side to ensure he gets his promotion and I don’t understand. 😢

OP posts:
NewName122 · 01/10/2023 23:11

Yes he is lieing. Be worried.

NewName122 · 01/10/2023 23:13

Worriedmama4 · 01/10/2023 23:09

He’s just said that it was a joke and that is their banter?? He’s just showed me another message to someone else he works with and he’s put hearts on it. He says he does to everyone. Said I’m not being supportive and he needs to keep her on side to ensure he gets his promotion and I don’t understand. 😢

He wants to keep her on side to get a promotion? Any normal person would be more worried about her reporting him for asking for nudes. Vile man. Quite obviously something going on between them.

Nicole1111 · 01/10/2023 23:13

Don’t let him gaslight you. Can you talk to a trusted friend or family member who knows you both and can help you through this?

Circumferences · 01/10/2023 23:13

Affair.

OhComeOnFFS · 01/10/2023 23:14

He's not even trying to hide things! He's trying to gaslight you, OP.

Londonscallingme · 02/10/2023 11:01

What industry does you OH work in OP? Trying to work out just how odd it would be to make a joke about sending nudes with his boss. I work in Finance in the City and I can categorically say there is not a chance in hell anyone would joke about this with their boss. I guess in other industries it might be slightly more informal (although I am still struggling to believe he is telling the truth).

Dogfureverywhere · 02/10/2023 11:16

If one of my reports asked for a nude Id be reporting to HR!
In your latest update it seems like something has blown up at work - maybe their relationship has been discovered?
Gather up your self esteem and line up your ducks - you deserve better than this idiot!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/10/2023 12:07

I don't know anyone who can just walk out of work when they're annoyed with what someone said to them without being put on a performance plan. He's definitely not promotion material. And getting any promotion doesn't require sucking up to your boss. Or asking for nudes. Or 2-hour conversations locked in a car.

I'm sorry OP but he's having an affair in plain site. I'd be asking him to leave. Him claiming 'you don't understand... it's for his promotion' whinge is a huge clue.

Someone who wasn't having an affair and genuinely cared about you would be bending over backwards to reassure you. I'm not sure which industry he works in but promotions generally happen when someone leaves or a new project is launched. The way he's behaving is not the path to promotion.

MumHereAgain2023 · 02/10/2023 12:37

Be worried 😟

CaroleSinger · 02/10/2023 12:50

How is spending hours every day on the phone to her and asking her for nudes helping him get a promotion? And her saying that's all you want me for? Why would she think all he wants her for is nude pictures? Think about it. That alone suggests there's already something sexual going on and that she feels it is all he's interested in her for.

In the kindest possible way, wake up.

Bluebellsbells · 02/10/2023 21:01

He is lying again he doesn't need to keep her on side, because you recounted two occasions where he walked off from his job, blamed her and said he can no longer tolerate her, but the heart emojis are to keep her on side?!!!

Please reread your posts, he is giving you the evidence for at the very least having an emotional affair. Then gaslighting you when you question unreasonable actions.

You need to be factual with him. Bullet point your concerns. Don't accept a gaslit response back. If he can't reasonably reassure you without blaming you then he is lying.

FedUpOfItA · 02/10/2023 21:07

They're definitely having an affair. When he came home all upset, I reckon she had probably tried to finish it but failed. I think you need to figure out what's best for you and your little ons.

TicTacNicNak · 02/10/2023 21:07

What sort of company does he work for? Is it a big firm? It's highly inappropriate to speak in such a way, whether it's a boss, a subordinate or a peer. Also 1-2 hour conversations in private? I'd bet my house on the fact this is not innocent.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 22:13

Worriedmama4 · 01/10/2023 22:27

I know it may seem obvious to you all, but please remember it’s so different when you’re in the middle of it. Plus it’s all happened gradually. I’ve obviously put the main points here but that doesn’t give a view of our everyday life. Please don’t be so quick to judge 😢
he came home from work early on Thursday, said his boss had done something to annoy him and didn’t back him up so he walked out. She then called him, he went off for his walk and when he came back he said he was going back to work. Then he didn’t go in the next day and said he’d just had enough and has no respect for her now and how much he doesn’t like her. Now he’s been out on call with her since 8.30 and it’s now 10.30 😢

They probably had a lovers tiff as one of them
Wouldn't leave their partner or something like that.

I'm sorry op unless your DH really does make 'jokes' like that with everyone and he works in the sex industry or something , that is not normal and there is something going on .

You need to consider your next steps carefully. iF you want to give him the benefit of the doubt then the very leaast is access to his phone and bank statements etc whenever you ask and no private phone calls until your trust is earned back.

QuizzlyBears · 02/10/2023 22:21

What sort of company does he work for where it’s acceptable banter to ask your supervisor for nudes? If one of my
reports - or any colleague honestly - did that then I’d report to HR. He’s playing with you OP, I’m sorry. Time for some frank conversations with him!

Original poster
Worriedmama4 · 02/10/2023 23:11

His company is very unprofessional. He does make jokes like that all the time. After he walked out, one of the directors text him to see if he was ok. He ended their texts by saying ‘love ya. Miss ya’. That’s a director! She’s literally old so know nothing going on there, that’s just his talk. I’m just so confused 😢

OP posts:
Ilovetheeighties · 02/10/2023 23:23

I'm sorry to tell you but i really think he is having an affair . I found text messages on my husband's phone and got the same answer as you did "only joking " Most will not admit to an affair. I bought myself a voice recorder and i put it discretely under the seat of the car and what i heard was most definitely an affair .My marriage is now over . It was the best thing i ever done .It was devastating to hear what i heard but at least i knew where i stood and i knew the kind of man i was married to . It was awful as i was married over 25 yrs but at least i'm not going to waste the next 25 yrs with a cheater .

SleepPrettyDarling · 02/10/2023 23:31

Even if (and I’d roll my eyes at this) it’s accepted “banter” where he works - unlikely - it is not acceptable to YOU. This is just not on. A committed relationship has no room in it for requests for nudes, kisses, and ‘love yous.’ Here’s what I’d do (and did): book marriage counselling, and say ‘we are doing this - and if you don’t, then I assume you have no wish to reassure me.’ Go hard, go early, and take no shit. Arrange a babysitter, and take the conversation out of your home, telling him your relationship is going to hell in a handcart if he doesn’t cop the fuck on.

Icanflyhigh · 02/10/2023 23:32

It doesn't sound great OP, I don't think you're being over sensitive either

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