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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of hosting in-laws

45 replies

Blueeyes13 · 01/10/2023 15:39

My in-laws have not invited us to their house in over 3 years. They ask to see us every 2-3 months or so. I find their visits draining and tiresome. I have medical issues that make me tired easily and I find cooking for them too much, but they seem to think takeaways are lazy. They are not involved grandparents with my DCs, but often see SILs DD, who lives near to them. My DCs would like to see them more, but I can't host them more often than I do. MIL is fussy and says we can't all fit in her house. Their house is bigger than ours! AIBU to expect them to take turns with hosting? They are not frail, in their early 70s. DH, me and 2DC.

OP posts:
SM4713 · 01/10/2023 15:40

What does your DH say about it all?

Original poster
Blueeyes13 · 01/10/2023 15:42

DH agrees, he can't understand their behaviour. He thinks they have got very set in their ways as they have got older

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 01/10/2023 15:45

can you invite them to join you on a visit to a child friendly place? Or invite for lunch? - easy to buy something and assemble without it looking obviously bought.

At 70, their house won’t be child-proofed, they won’t have as much energy as in their 50s, it may well seem insurmountable to them

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/10/2023 15:46

Next time they ask to come your DH can say sorry but there's not enough room here. You could stay at xyz hotel & we'll visit for lunch.

It's a good enough excuse for them to use 😁

Original poster
Blueeyes13 · 01/10/2023 15:46

Sorry, should have mentioned DCs are teens

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueeyes13 · 01/10/2023 15:46

Sorry, should have mentioned DCs are teens

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 01/10/2023 15:48

Next time they visit, hosting is dh's responsibility - cleaning, buying food, cooking etc. You're going to either sit on the sofa and chat, or develop a headache and retire to your bedroom (and your prepared stash of snacks and book, obviously).

Then the next time they ask, dh should tell them it is their turn, and they're not invited to yours again until they've done their share of hosting. They'll eventually invite you (or they won't, and you'll know just how much value they place on you).

Motnight · 01/10/2023 15:48

Why isn't your DH cooking for them?

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2023 15:49

I don’t think every 3 months is excessive; go to a restaurant or order a takeaway anyway - if they want to stay then it’s up to you how you host

Iloveacurry · 01/10/2023 15:50

Every 3 months isn’t that often. Get your DH to do the hosting, etc.

MrsElsa · 01/10/2023 15:50

Does DH also have disabilities? HIBU expecting you to cook and clean for his parents 🙄

Millybob · 01/10/2023 15:52

Why would you care that they think takeaways are lazy? Let them think!
Tell them your husband has opted out of this year's Domestic God of the Year contest.

GalaApples · 01/10/2023 15:52

Why do you have to do the cooking when they visit? Surely your DH should be having plenty of input as these are his DPs, and you get tired easily. If he cannot or will not lift the extra weight, what about him and your DC visiting them on their own - you do not say old your DC are, but could you opt out of visits to his DPs? They may be able to accommodate just him and DC - him sleeping on sitting room floor for example. Your DH needs to set a new normal for frequency of visits to you - say once every 6-8 months, and insist that they host the same number.

Another possibility at yours would be for disguised takeaways. So you could have pizza or curry already in the freezer and heat up on the day with a few garnishes on top - would they need to know? And get your DH to do the extra laundry and organization needed for their visits.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 01/10/2023 15:53

Surely dh is at fault here? His dps.. He hosts.

LadyWiddiothethird · 01/10/2023 15:54

You have an OH problem,you sit back and he does the cooking.Problem solved easy peasy.

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 16:04

When you say 'host' - do you mean they come and stay, or is this about one meal ?

If they are relatively local, can you not say "Lets meet up at the Red Lion - it's quite relaxed there and people can order and pay at the bar as we go along"
or
"Do you want to meet for lunch at the Old Dog and Duck? Not sure if the teens will be up for it, but that way we actually get to spend time with you rather than one of us being stuck in the kitchen".

Also gives you a natural finish time, so doesn't end up being midnight before they go home.

Testina · 01/10/2023 16:06

Oh come on, woman up!

”You’re welcome to come over - we’ll get fish & chips. Lazy you say? Well, my health condition makes me tired but you know what? Lazy isn’t a problem anyway.”

”Oh you came to us last time - we’ll come to you. House not big enough you say? It’s bigger than ours!”

BettyPhuckzer · 01/10/2023 16:11

I'm a bit confused (sorry!)

These are DHs parents? Why doesn't he host them? Why you?

Sorry if its obvious and I'm being thick

CurlewKate · 01/10/2023 16:15

You don't "host" family! Do you "host" your own parents?
And obviously dp should be doing the cooking!

Tinkerbyebye · 01/10/2023 16:17

You host how you want to and if that’s a takeaway that’s what they get. Any snarky comments you just say our house our rules and if you don’t like it we are more than happy to find to yours next time, after all it’s bigger than here

NumberTheory · 01/10/2023 16:21

Stop inviting them. If they it would be lovely to see you say “Is that an invitation?” And if they say “We were thinking of coming to see you.” Say “Oh! But we were thinking of coming to see you. Haven’t visited in years.” Or similar.

Also, if you do have them, stop doing the things you don’t like. Don’t cook. Order a takeaway. If they say anything rude, just own it. Stop caring what they think about you so much. “I don’t enjoy cooking for so many people, so I’m not going to. You’re welcome to cook for us all if you’d like.” And get DH and your teens to do more.

NumberTheory · 01/10/2023 16:22

CurlewKate · 01/10/2023 16:15

You don't "host" family! Do you "host" your own parents?
And obviously dp should be doing the cooking!

I host family. OP hosts family. You don’t have to.

Original poster
Blueeyes13 · 01/10/2023 16:57

Thanks for all the suggestions and advice. I didn't mean to do DH a dis-service, he has offered to cook for the in-laws. I had just completely forgotten. He is not very confident at cooking, as he's not really done it since pre kids. It was just easier for me to cook as the kids were starving by the time he got in from work (and I was glad to get out of the washing up). I think meals out or takeaways are the way to go and they'll just have to put up with it. They only come for the day, but stay for lunch and dinner. DH does his fair share of cleaning. I have no gripe with him. He is upset that the in-laws look after SILs DC after school for one day a week and have her overnight whenever SIL and BIL want to go out or away (which is often), but our DC never even get invited for a meal. We are 90 minutes drive away. I do wonder if we didn't agree to have them over how long it would be before we got an invite 😕

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/10/2023 17:20

Two people for one day every two or three months doesn't sound that much to be honest. I do find it rude when people don't ask you back. But I think you can wind yourself up about it and insist on going to theirs / refuse to have you over, which will probably impact your relationship. Or just accept that it's a quirk of your relationship and host them on your terms,that involves little effort from you. If they complain a takeaway is lazy then just tell them you'd be more than happy to make your way to theirs if they want to show you how it's done properly

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 17:28

With your updates about them being 90mins away, and that your dc are teens, I actually think that them coming to you every 3 months or so is something I'd suck up.
That way your dc still get to see them, but can then wander off to their own things.
I do think it makes sense if traveling 90mins each way, that you come for lunch and go home after tea. That's the arrangement we have if meeting friends from a similar distance. It is always going to be a different relationship from 'pop by and have a bit of tea with us after work' type relationship you can have with parents that live 2 streets away.

Of course, that still doesn't mean you can't book a nice lunch somewhere for the day they are coming, then have just bought in a bit of cake for 'tea' before they go.

I think in 8 - 10 yrs time when they no longer drive, and you have to go to them, you'll look back and appreciate it is them that have done the traveling at this time, in truth.

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