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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of hosting in-laws

45 replies

Blueeyes13 · 01/10/2023 15:39

My in-laws have not invited us to their house in over 3 years. They ask to see us every 2-3 months or so. I find their visits draining and tiresome. I have medical issues that make me tired easily and I find cooking for them too much, but they seem to think takeaways are lazy. They are not involved grandparents with my DCs, but often see SILs DD, who lives near to them. My DCs would like to see them more, but I can't host them more often than I do. MIL is fussy and says we can't all fit in her house. Their house is bigger than ours! AIBU to expect them to take turns with hosting? They are not frail, in their early 70s. DH, me and 2DC.

OP posts:

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 01/10/2023 17:32

I’d tell them that you need to take it in turns to host as you enjoy seeing them but it would be nice for them to return the gesture and for you to relax, be cooked for and hosted once in a while…

CurlewKate · 01/10/2023 17:39

@NumberTheory
"Stop caring what they think about you so much. “I don’t enjoy cooking for so many people, so I’m not going to. You’re welcome to cook for us all if you’d like"

Well, that will make sure they never come again! And saying 6 is "so many" when you already cook for 4 will make you look completely ridiculous.

CurlewKate · 01/10/2023 17:40

And it's 4 times a year, ffs!

Cherrysoup · 01/10/2023 17:42

Meet them halfway for Sunday lunch in a decent pub. No hosting for anyone.

NancyJoan · 01/10/2023 17:45

Soup, bread and cheese when they arrive, out for dinner and then off they go home would take away the catering pressure.

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 17:56

With all the information, I'm now also thinking that doing a roast (or insert lasagne, curry, cottage pie, or any other family meal) for 6 isn't really much different from doing the same dinner for 4 (as teens generally eat adult sized meals), so, presuming the 4 of you need to eat at whatever time of the day you normally eat, I'm not sure how 'hosting' or cooking to include them, is that much of an issue, 4 x a year.

JudgeRudy · 01/10/2023 22:42

Tbh if I had teens (who probably don't wanna be with grandparents for too long) and a health condition I'd probably preferred they came to me but I'd suggest eating out for a chang. Make up a white lie about how youre eating out for dinner now as your at yoga/pottery/spanish classes in the morning and wont have time to cook....or.how about they come mid afternoon and stay for tea....
Or you go to theirs mid afternoon and stay for tea...few sandwiches n a bit of cake should do it.
Oh and make sure OH plays his part. Gheyre his parents.

BreadInCaptivity · 01/10/2023 22:57

If I'm honest it doesn't actually sound to much of an imposition.

Four times a year for the day - so lunch and dinner.

You'd be cooking for four people anyway so adding another two to the mix isn't a massive uplift in effort, especially if as you say your DH helps with cleaning etc before they arrive.

I'd also think teens would rather see grandparents in their own home tbh rather than do a 90 min round trip - which personally I'd find more draining than cooking for two additional adults for the day.

As such I'm going out on a limb to suggest that this is actually less about the effort of hosting and more about the imbalance of interest/support in comparison to your SIL.

In this respect, given countless threads on MN you are not alone. I can't pretend to understand why some parents do this though.

It is hurtful and I can only fathom that people who do this must convince themselves of some "plausible" reason.

Still, what goes around comes around and when they need greater family support then they'd better hope their daughter is going to step up to the plate because I'm pretty certain in your situation I'd not be doing 90 min round trips to provide care after years of not being invited to their home and no comparable interest in respective children.

CherryMaDeara · 01/10/2023 23:07

Let DH cook, he can only build his confidence with practice. It doesn’t need to be gourmet, he can just cook something easy.

And limit them to one meal per visit. When they ask to visit, DH should tell them they can stay for lunch but you have dinner plans.

Are the in laws basically coming for 2 free home cooked meals?

TheChosenTwo · 01/10/2023 23:15

4 visits a year isn’t too bad tbh although I can see all your points, it’s a bit annoying that they always come to you and never return the favour BUT your teens would be bored shitless (well; I was when I was that sort of age taken to grandparents houses!), nothing much to do there - at least at home they can eat with you, spend a bit of time with their grandparents and then retreat to their rooms for a bit.
Do a quick and easy lunch (bread, cheeses, ham or do a soup) and then takeaway for dinner with a walk or something inbetween to break it up (dh can do that and you can have a rest). If they don’t like it they’ll soon stop coming. More likely though they’ll just get over it.
As for looking after their other grandchildren, I’m presuming they live closer? One set of my grandparents never looked after me, we just lived too far away. It was purely circumstantial.

DreamTheMoors · 01/10/2023 23:16

Don’t make it so comfortable for them.
Get the kids’ friends over to make some noise and/or to play video games.
Don’t like takeaways? Tough shit. Get takeaways the entire time they’re there - ones the kids like. Tell them you’ve had a tiring week and takeaways are on the menu for this trip. And don’t apologise.
Stop entertaining them. Sit around and let them serve themselves their tea/coffee/snacks/etc. Leave their dishes where they lay - don’t pick up after them.
You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to fall all over yourselves to welcome people who find it inconvenient to have you in their home. Make it a little uncomfortable for them. If they’re decent at all, they’ll cook a meal or two, fetch you coffee and snacks, pick up after themselves and play with the kids. If they aren’t, they’ll leave.
Either way, it’s win-win.

EaudeJavel · 01/10/2023 23:21

Every 3 months is absolutely ridiculous, who has time for that?

but they seem to think takeaways are lazy. so..? I'd probably defrost something from Cook (cheaper than takeaway) and leave it at that. If it's not of their liking, I am sure there are plenty of cafes and restaurants they can go to

theleafandnotthetree · 01/10/2023 23:27

People can't spare 4 days out of 365 to spend with family? I'm the least clingy/extended family oriented person I know and even I think that's not a huge ask. Lots of people I know have their parents over for Sunday lunch once or twice a month or even more.

feralunderclass · 01/10/2023 23:32

Four days a year really isn't a big deal, either get a takeaway or arrange to meet half way.
My DM hasn't invited us to her house for years. She doesn't cook any more and would much rather come to our house to eat. I wouldn't dream of telling her she has to take it in turns with me, I hope when I'm around 70 my dc would cook for me a few times a year. It doesn't stop me feeling jealous of people my age whose parents still invite them over for Sunday dinner though!

Xmasbaby11 · 01/10/2023 23:35

It’s not much though, few times a year for a day. I thought you’d say they stayed for a week. It’s a perfect amount of time to see them.

would you honestly rather go to theirs?

Just buy in pre made food, Cook etc, and make the day as easy as possible for you.

EaudeJavel · 01/10/2023 23:40

theleafandnotthetree · 01/10/2023 23:27

It's not exactly the same to be INVITED when convenient for the host, or to invite yourself when not convenient while making demands about food and hosting.

I have a lot more than 4 days a year for family, but I would not be amused to be told when and how they are visiting. If you have kids, between the clubs, the competitions, the parties etc.. you haven't got a single free weekend for months in the school year.

Family can come and visit when invited, at quieter times.

IdealisticCynic · 02/10/2023 00:05

A lunch and dinner, 4 times a year, just isn’t a big deal. Presumably you make lunch and dinner most days? Making for 2 extra people is no more tiring. We often have friends round for the whole day and don’t think anything of it.

It’s tiresome hosting people you don’t like though, which I suspect is the real issue here.

Wrongsideofpennines · 02/10/2023 00:10

If your kids want to see more of them can't they go and stay with them? Then they won't have a house full but get some quality time with them. Kids can get the train or coach together.

Original poster

Blueeyes13 · 02/10/2023 00:12

Yes, I think PPs are probably right. It doesn't sound too bad 4 times a year, perhaps if I cook once, DH once, one takeaway and one meal out would be fine. Kids would prefer to be at home I guess, they do tend to go to their rooms a bit when GPs are here. Just wish I could 😁. It's such a contrast to when my mum visits. She makes her own drinks, makes lunch and dinner to give us a break (not every time) or takes us out to lunch. The situation with SIL does hurt me, DH and the kids. It would be great if PILs offered to have the DCs occasionally, so we could go away just us more often. No real idea why they don't. The DCs are well behaved and polite. Mum will come and stay with them, but she works weekends, so doesn't have many free.

OP posts:

Moldywarpedalright · 02/10/2023 00:46

Tbh op, I thought you meant they were staying with you for a week or so each time they visited, before I read your op properly.

I don’t think a lunch and dinner 4 to 6 times a year is that much. And I would have thought them coming to you would be easier than you having to
round up the teens and drive over there.

I think you just need to manage this better and put boundaries in place:

⭕️ encourage them to come four times a year rather than six times, and insist the dates are put in the calendar a long time in advance so you can plan properly and do an on- line shop in advance

⭕️ do the same for every lunch: soup, salad, cheese
⭕️ ask your husband to prepare a simple tray bake of chicken, sausages or salmon and veg for dinner
⭕️ take a 90-120 minute rest in your bedroom between lunch and dinner - excuse yourself on the grounds of your chronic illness and make sure you can plug yourself in to a Netflix series or something in your room so you can be completely without distractions from downstairs , and leave your dh and dc to entertain them.
⭕️ Or insist that your dh takes them out every afternoon they visit. The reason it’s so exhausting is that it’s quite intense being in the same house or even room together from noon until whenever you all finish dinner.
⭕️Alternatively ring them up every so often and tell them you are going to be in their area and take them out to a meal or some sort of visitor attraction near their home for a couple of hours on a weekend afternoon. Or encourage your dh to do that on his own!

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