Husband shouts

[survivor9]

Husband shouts over small things ( he’s from iraq and came to U.K. when he was 25 I have been raised here since I was 4) we both have Muslim backgrounds

he tidied the table and when he got home it was full of books as me and kids had been doing homework . And he shouts “what is this” and I could hear from outside
so I became very upset and told him not to shout as it’s toxic and I have a history of anxiety /autism . And I would need to take my beta blocker to calm heart rate down and he said that’s not his problem.

i said I have a mental illness and he said “yes you’re mental”

we keep going back and forth having good days and terrible days like yesterday
im around 6m pregnant and told him that the beta blockers and diazepam aren’t god for the baby and he said it’s not his problem I’m too sensitive

when I said I would report him to police from emotional abuse he started recording our conversation unknown to me although he has a history of doing it ) and he got me to admit that I have also shouted in the past !

so I feel trapped as if I tell police he has a laptop backed up with video and audio evidence of me having autistic meltdowns sometimes scratching him during the recordings as he doesn’t stop recording )

this morning I was painting walls and he just walks past and says nothing then goes to bed . Similarly he opens the curtains to get me out of bed and then when I leave the room he closes them again.

Wow, this is a very unhealthy relationship all round. You sound like bitter enemies rather than loving partners.

If you also have shouty meltdowns and physically attack him, that makes you equally as abusive.

I think some marriage counselling should be considered, or separation. Because either way, this is not nice for the kids caught in the middle of this toxicity.

I’ve gotten better with self control with some new medication and change of thinking patterns
however he doesn’t change his shouting behaviour and wants me to book a trip to middle east to see his family and pay half of it because I agreed it as one of the terms to have another baby
I was desperate for another baby and he made a list of things I would do like be financially responsible for baby items and he would get the final say in naming

I now find myself despising the baby as it’s related to him and have decided I’m having a home birth in a forest or isolated location where I won’t be disturbed as I won’t be cut open again for that man’s children ( I had 2 c sections )
he doesn’t have any empathy and didn’t offer single hug or caring word when I’m upset from his shouting

Contact woman's aid

Your middle paragraph makes you sound quite unwell, to be honest. I think you should discuss this with your midwife.

OP, you have posted all this before and had some very good advice.

The recordings do not matter.

You have posted about the recording stuff before, haven’t you?

From memory, it sounds as though you are both toxic and abusive, and you absolutely should not be having a baby together.

The paragraph about having the baby in a forest is genuinely concerning. You need to speak to your doctor or midwife as a matter of urgency.

You sounds very mentally unwell

please seek help from your doctor and midwife.

I’m not the easiest person to live with
I have obsessions about air pollution and have filled the house with purifiers and tell him to put his phone on airplane mode every night as I believe the phone signals are bad for the brain.

but for him not to even offer me to sit down while having palpitations and really bad spd pelvic pain is just sickening. I will probably cal the police and mention the recordings - if they definitely say they don’t matter then I can feel more comfortable disclosing. He doesn’t even want couples counselling.

im sick of a man who needs to be told everything and has zero insight doesn’t empty the washing doesn’t instinctively know anything and blocks me when I send him articles about toxicity of shouting

@survivor9

clearly you’re not the easiest person to live with but the concern here is your children (both born and unborn) because you sound very mentally unwell and possibly not fit to parent right now.

Agreed, you don't sound mentally well at all OP. Pls see your GP and midwife as a matter of serious urgency. Your last post is quite concerning and sounds like you may be experiencing from peripartum stress, which can lead to peripartum or postpartum psychosis.

Seriously OP, get professional medical assistance urgently

Echoing others here op, you need professional help - please engage with your midwife

I just want to be left in labour but the hospitals only see me as high risk my mistake in the past is going to hosp as soon as I feel discomfort and contractions . This time I just want to be home even if it’s for a few days. My family doesn’t know I’m preg if they knew they will explode at husband .
I just don’t want overbearing opinions my mother means well but she has her own struggles and still very upset about her mother passing 3 years ago.
I need to teach this man a lesson I want him traumatised as I am and I want him to be sorry for dismissing my mental health when the irony is he likely has Aspergers and narcissistic personality.

@survivor9 you are clearly very mentally unwell

please seek help.

They don’t give out c sections for fun. They gave you one because there was a risk of death or injury to you or your child. And they most certainly explained this to you and your husband at the time. You can also discuss this with your current midwife who would be able to help you make an informed decision, and a vaginal birth in a hospital is most likely still possible.

And most certainly don’t try to have an unmedicated birth to try to teach your husband a lesson.

The first step is to tell your midwife or the GP what you have said here. You need help and a clear space to think. Be calm and call them today. If there’s no answer walk down to A and E. People will help.

You sound difficult, he sounds vile. Why on earth are you having another baby with him?

Think about the awful environment you’re exposing your children to. You should be separating and getting help.

OP you need to see your GP, midwife or health professional in person asap to go through all of this - you need support for you, baby and DCs, then you can deal with DH - good luck

Op. Labouring alone in a forest after 2 c sections is so incredibly risky that it's almost impossible to express just how bad an idea it is without being offensive.

It's utterly irrational to think you'd somehow be teaching him a lesson. You're just putting yourself, your baby and your other children at risk.

OP sounds like you’re having a mental health emergency and you need to call 111 now and tell them how you’re feeling.

Please take action because your thoughts aren’t rational.

There isn’t any way out that’s why. Leaving him ? It doesn’t stop him shouting at kids when they’re in his care “custody” or taking them on holiday. The only way is to rent a place and not tell him where I’m going but he could call police that I kidnapped kids. I’ve got some council house applications for very far away councils and some don’t let you apply if you don’t have a connection to the area.

and I don’t like going to iraq and seeing him all charming with his family . Having spd will make travel difficult. He will sulk if I don’t go and and my parents want to come. My folks don’t know I’m preg maybe if I tell them they won’t want me to go.

he’s linked everything to this iraq trip. Won’t help me pay for house upgrades until I book the trip. And when I booked a U.K. cottage for me and kids this summer my father got very upset that I would travel alone and made my husband take us and my husband made the trip unpleasant saying the cottage wasn’t nice etc . I want to move but having fibromyalgia means it’s difficult for me to tidy and take photos and make house sellable.

Overall he says he can’t guarantee he won’t shout again . He usually shouts at the room it’s not like he corners me and yells. But given my childhood I hate yelling . We never got to live together before marriage. We both work but he feels more tired and tells me not to cook for him if I don’t like washing dishes.
so he acts annoyed every time I ask for help he might not shout but he’s seething.

I’ve told midwife early on that he’s not willing to help much after the c sections and isn’t emotionally supportive but what can they actually do? He thinks I bring it on myself by having the epidural and labour not progressing. They mark it on system and ask me when I see them how is my home life.

having bpd I also feel empty daily . I take duloxetine sometimes as it gives a buzz a few hours after but it wears off after a day. The only things that used to calm me like diazepam I’m not allowed take now.

I'm so sorry you're having to endure this.
I really think you should discuss your mode of delivery with your midwife. She will be able to suggest a mode of delivery more acceptable to you.
I hope you change your mind about delivering alone in a forest. I think you'd find it quite scary on your own.

I'd be worried about going to Iraq with him.

Women are second class citizens and your powerless there.

Your marriage isn't a healthy one and bringing another child into our was unwise. Trying to give birth anywhere other than a hospital when you've had 2 c sections is a danger to you and your baby.

I wouldn't have counselling with him.. but you should get counselling for yourself.

You’ve posted about this before @survivor9 what have you looked into.have you spoken to a midwife or someone who can help you.

Please contact women's aid. They can help you with housing and point you in the right direction with child contact or a non molestation order