To wonder why some on MN insist on othering only children

[JaneBirkenstocks]

As though they are peculiar. When they're just regular humans who happen not to have a sibling/s.

Since I joined MN when DD (now 18) was a toddler there have been numerous threads asking if onlies are lonely, selfish or bored. More difficult to parent, to teach to share, to socialise.

I've never come across a thread asking what it's like to be the 3rd child in a family of 4. It was fine in case anyone's wondering.

Only child here. You have an experience which is different to that which most other people have (although there are more only children these days; it was very unusual when I was a child). Given that most people will themselves have had a sibling, it’s only natural to wonder what it’s like. And the answer, like everything else, is that there are pros and cons. (You can only go by your own experience and, of course, you can’t posit a real alternative, so it’s all pretty hypothetical.)

There are some guarantees with an only child (in the way that there aren’t with siblings as you cannot predict their relationships): you will have more time and money with one, but that child will then be the only person to deal with the burdens that come with having elderly parents. (I benefited from some degree from the former and have had a pretty awful time with the latter.)

I agree OP - it seems to be a constant topic on here with a new thread every few days. I have an only and not one person has ever questioned this in real life, but on here we’re constantly told it’s sad to have an only child, that they’ll be all alone when you die, that they will resent you when they have to care for you single handed when you’re old, that they’re spoilt and odd and don’t know how to share, that you can’t be properly socialised without a sibling, and so on. The worst comment I’ve seen recently implied that only children are more likely to be serial killers because Lucy Letby is an only (that one was at least deleted).

There are millions of perfectly happy one-child families but the discourse on here doesn’t seem to have caught up with this fact.

Seems weird to get upset about this so far along the road. Things like learning to share obviously doesn't come up with 2/3/4 children as you presume they will have to learn at home, where they learn to a degree that they are not the centre of everyone's universe. I have definitely had children snatching from mine in the past and told 'sorry they are only child' so if I was considering having just one I guess this is a question I would ask based on experience. Same for people having 2/3/4 kids asking will they cope, doesn't really come up when people are having their firsts. It's not something to get wound up about

I agree that it’s less usual and is accompanied with particular experiences like pp says. Also there is a lot of research into the impact of birth order, which I see discussed on here. I am an older of two siblings for example and seeing dynamics between my two children helps me understand my sibling and I’s relationship better.

There are variations of course but it’s normal to explore groups with certain characteristics- myself and my oldest meet many of the typical ones for our group, to be fair.

I’m an only child. I only know of a few people who genuinely get on really well with their siblings, and many who had very difficult relationships when they were younger.
My husband has a brother and although they get on ok, we won’t be much help with aging parents as we’re the ones who buggered off to Australia.
Every family is different, and every sibling relationship is different. I’m close with but not stifled by my parents, a friend of mine is an only whose parents marriage broke up and her life now revolves around looking after her mum. I also know one of 5 where care disproportionally falls on two of the children.

You are right - I have never known anybody even comment on it in real life, or seem to give it any thought. But if you were an alien who came to earth and used Mumsnet to emotionally orient yourself, you would emerge with the idea that it was a massive preoccupation for the human race....

I suppose it's a parenting website primarily (tho I know it also goes far beyond that), and how many kids you decide to have IS a parenting issue, so it does kind of make sense......

My daughter loves being an only child, when she thinks about it at all. I think most do.

I also think people discuss their views on it here because it’s anonymous, the fact they don’t express them in RL doesn’t mean they don’t have them.

Things like learning to share obviously doesn't come up with 2/3/4 children as you presume they will have to learn at home

And yet there are hundreds of threads about squabbling siblings so it can take all children a long time to learn how to share.

My only has never had a problem sharing. She joined a creche when she was a year old so was always around other children.

The notion that only children don't interact with other children is an example of the suspicion they are held with on here.

They're just asking.

I'm a 32 year old only 'child' and people still ask me questions about it when they find out I don't have any siblings. They're just interested 🤷 I have 4 children myself so they're often curious about my experience as a single child and what influence that had on me having a big family now.

It makes perfect sense on a parenting website, especially if posters are undecided about whether to have more than one DC.

People always want to justify their own choices.

Some "only" adult children romanticize having a sibling and imagine they would be like a built in friend and ignore how real sibling abuse is/was. I'd like to think it's better these days but you only need to do search on MN on sibling abuse to see how common it was/is. As it is, when my mum was dying my sibling was useless and made her feel shit. She was given 3 months to live and he saw her properly once, despite living only 2 hours away and having money and time to visit. He phoned a handful of times. Then chased me night and day for inheritance a few weeks later, despite her barely having a pot to piss in.

I reckon straw poll of any friend group will find 70% have a civil/poor relationship and the rest might be actively social with degrees of closeness. I think twins or a good age gap probably leads to closer adult siblings. We had a 2 year age gap and we fought and competed a lot. Yes, we played, but I don't thinkneither of us are friends with any childhood friends as we didnt do many playdates as we 'had eachother for company'.

As adults, we send birthday and xmas cards and that genuinely the best our relationship has or ever will be. It's sad for everyone really.

We are staying as an only child family. We all get the best of eachother. I'd love a huge family, 4+ kids but I dont think I could cope with the early years again. The first 5 years were the hardest of my life and I wanst my best. I was a good mum on paper but my mental health was in pieces and I was coping not living. I'm actually happy now. I wont put another child through what I think in hindsight was post natal depression and my only child deserves my best, not another 5 years of me hiding in the toilets to cry because I think I'm failing.

I will never ever do 2 kids.

I think it just reflects how insecure everyone is about their choices. People are often seeking proof that they have done the right thing.

The notion that only children don't interact with other children is an example of the suspicion they are held with on here.

I've been on MN for around 12 years and I've never seen that notion?

I'd say the majority of kids go to some sort of group, class or nursery.

There are some guarantees with an only child (in the way that there aren’t with siblings as you cannot predict their relationships): you will have more time and money with one

That isn't guaranteed. Some of my friends with more than 1 child (up to 5 children) have more money than us. A SAHP with 3 dc might have more time than a full time WFH parent.

but that child will then be the only person to deal with the burdens that come with having elderly parents

Again that's not guaranteed. That elderly parents will be a burden or that siblings will have someone to share the burden. Indeed having some autonomy might be a positive in such circumstances.

It still doesn't explain the othering of only children on MN.

I've seen plenty of threads about 'should I have a third'! And it does seem reasonable to ask about single kids, like how people ask about twins or as I say having a third. I don't think anyone is suggesting they are peculiar!

Because they clearly lack imagination and can't seem to grasp that every individual is different.

I think I've had both experiences. I lived with a sibling til I was 9, then lived as an only until I move out.

My sibling and I played but fought a lot. But xmas was always amazing as there was a houseful of us bio and step siblings. Five bikes, five lots of new shoes, late games.

As adults, i get on so well with the step siblings, sending odd texts, a group chat, meeting up. Its lovely.

But my bio sibling has basically cut us all off, gives the narrative noone bothers with them, which simply isnt true, we have the texts to show how weve all tried seperately.

I loved being a teenage only. I didnt even realise wasi was one really until Mumsnet only child treads, it hadnt occured to me.

It's not just on Mumsnet!

Growing up as an only child, I would get adults asking me all the time 'Are you spoilt?' I mean WTF question is that to ask of a child.

Only children have different experiences but then so do sibling groups. My parents were able to spend more money on me as they only had one, however this was peanuts in comparison to my peer group. They gave me more undivided attention, however this wasn't always a good thing.

Every set of child and parents is different, not all parents are good at parenting, not all siblings like each other, not every only child is happy. Everyone makes the best of their own situation.

I'm an only child and now have 6 children myself (+ 3 step) but I find only children quite annoying.

The ones I know (still children at the moment) think they're sooo grown up, drinking coffees, and wanting to be involved in the adults' conversations and it's very irritating. Also, they seem to get so much input into their parents' decisions.

Just go and play, you're a child!

Because their minds are so unable to process that people make different choices, or have different lives.

Anything not done exactly the way they do it is wrong.

It's sad really.

I am the only daughter of an only son and have an only daughter.

We aren't lonely. We aren't social misfits. We didn't spend our childhoods begging for siblings. We don't spend every waking hour wondering and worrying who will wipe our arses when we get old.

Dp is the youngest of 6. I've known him since 1997 and I don't think there has ever been a time in those years that all 6 have been talking to each other, or there isn't some sort of backbiting and fighting going on over money, or that Gran talks about X more than she ever mentions Y ad infinitum. Yet to outsiders, they all bang on about what a united family they are. It's laughable really.

Obviously, as I'm not thick, I don't automatically assume that all large families are like that. Which is what the "oooh you must be lonely" idiots do.

To be honest it isn't just MN. As an only people always saw fit to comment on my lack of siblings growing up and an automatic assumption that you were spoiled (not likely in a poor family with both parents having severe MH/alcohol issues) and that you must be lonely. It came from everywhere, grandparents, friends and new people I met. Used to make me feel like it was my fault for not having siblings. Other only children I know, as adults, also describe this and some even disparage themselves saying they can't cope with x, y or z because they were only children/spoilt etc

At the end of the day it is just a life experience like any other life experience. No worse. No better. Better to not comment on it in my book. And for all my difficulties with my parents growing up, I often thank my lucky stars there wasn't also a sibling to add to the mix. My Mother wouldn't have coped and it would have been even worse.

QED.

@SoIinvictus what does QED mean?

This reflects on you, not the children.